Professor: What we need in this classroom is cocaine. Then we can do 4 projects at once. Surely its been done before in the history of this great University.
Beefy frat guy: Man, you pissing yourself in that chair and that guy in your lap puking, that was the highlight of my day.
Freud: Indeed, even the museum of human excrement could be given an interpretation to rejoice my heart.
Conflicted Jewish male writer: I don’t want to peddle in some bullshit shtetl nostalgia.
(Later): I need to rename this character, I can’t use Adolf.
Commenter: hi just had a quick query what can happen if a woman is pregnant with four babies and are given ovulation tablets?
Junior Pi Phi: Verbatim this week sucked.
Senior Pi Phi: That’s because we weren’t in it.
Girl: Where are you staying tonight?
Parent: The Courtyard Marriott.
Girl: The COURTYARD Marriott? That’s so ghetto.
UPC Jew: My school had one day of sex but it was on Rosh Hashana so I missed it.
Girl: Would you hook up with a girl whoʼs pro-life?
Guy: Yeah, Iʼd hate fuck the shit out of her.
Guy 2: And make her keep it!
Insecure freshman: I wish I was a masochist so I could actually enjoy Princeton.
Guy: Somebody’s daughter is getting fucked tonight.
Ivy member, singing: ‘cause when you’re 15...you know it?
Sophomore: No man, I don’t.
Ivy member: You gotta know it. Taylor Swift, man.
Artsy sad boy: I didn't realize how sexy your turtleneck was.
Theta senior: Great, I spilled soup all over my $200 dress. I guess it's fine, I have to change before sailing practice anyway.
22-year-old adult male, contemplating sweater purchase: I’m scared my mom will make fun of it.
Press Club Co-President: I don't think I ever really learned how to write an essay.
Blonde WASP: it's not like he said something like, “Mein Kampf” and then took it back, he was like, strict with his ideologies.
Classics major: For my Greek essay we have to take an insignificant passage from Medea and talk about its significance.