Pretty African-American girl, to white friend: I am never going to age because I am blacker than you.
*Annual TigerAlert Test notifications go off*
Huge football player: If I die, I die. I gotta finish this test.
Mother of prospective student: This would be a good place to meet a husband.
Girl: I know, it’s high on my list.
Elderly Woman: I don't even understand all the fuss about Obama's race. I mean, he's not even that black.
Guy 1: I think you have a coke problem.
Guy 2: I don't have a coke problem. I have a masturbation problem. I went home last night, blew two and a half grams, and jerked off for ten hours.
Nass senior: Part of me was like, “What if I’m human trafficked?” but then the other part of me was like, “What if it’s a birthday present?”
Sedentary sophomore girl: I have a lot of friends who do activism. I like the idea of activism, just not the time committment.
Guy #1: Is there an obnoxious party going on up there...I hear Britney Spears?
Guy #2: By obnoxious party do you mean a high schooler performing unspeakable acts on me?
Woman 1: It's crazy how easy it is to have a civil, friendly meal with people you profoundly dislike.
Woman 2, cheerfully: That's the magic of TI!
Theta: Itʼs funny. An hour ago, I was totally ready to have sex with him. Now Iʼm definitely not going to get to be in the fivesome.
International 1: Have you ever been to Terrace?
International 2: No.
International 1: It’s shit, man. It’s fucking terrible. The building is falling apart and there are hairs everywhere.
Nass Staffer: Did anyone notice that since the Prince started printing in color they don’t write articles anymore?
Professor: We're going to be engaging Heidegger from the rear. (pause) It's the best way to engage him.
Perceptive senior, reading party invitation: Is it logically possible for a party to be both “the largest” and “most exclusive”?
Networks professor: When I go to the gym, I always try to use locker 404, because I always forget where I've put my clothes.
TA: Office hours will be from seven to eight. PM, because I’m a loser and I don’t have anything better to do with my Friday night.
Jew 1: The Nass is Princeton’s half-literary, half-penis joke publication...
Jew 2: And all Jewish...
Jew 3: And about one-quarter self-hating.
Jew 1: One-quarter self-hating would have been good enough for Hitler...
Drunk girl (indignantly): Gay is just not a synonym for stupid!
Drunk guy: Yes, it is! When are you going to get that through your fucking head!
Do computers suck because they’re guys, or do guys suck because they’re computers?
Pi Phi/Ivy senior girl on phone: "Hi there, quick question…do you sell pickled okra?"
To Joe Barillari: I apologize for calling you a douchebag. I meant to call you a fucking douchebag.