Sophomore Pi Phi, referring to a class at Gratitude Yoga: Gemma asked us to lift up Puerto Rico at the end of class today. But I said fuck that, I'm gonna lift up my mom. She needs it.
Shere Khan male: When I have my 21st birthday party, the whole street is going to be closed.
Dismayed Frosh: I'm not upset my phone is wet. I'm upset that the water spilled was Voss
SHARE peer: Everyone in this school is ratchet and everyone is thirsty.
Girl: I bet it's 7:12. *checks watch* Ohmigod, I must be psychic!
Guy: You don't have to be psychic to perceive the passage of time.
Junior Pi Phi: Verbatim this week sucked.
Senior Pi Phi: That’s because we weren’t in it.
Aggrieved musician: His excuse that this is for charity is such neoliberal bullshit.
Socialite: I cut my coke nails they were affecting my ability to work not that i work
The Sexpert: Dear Whiskey Dick, Yes! You can have plenty of fun, both at formals and afterwards, without drinking.
Rutgers Alum/Wacko: 'If you actually hang out with a lot of the members, especially the members now, you’ll hear them use the phrase n—ger and jig—boo all the time, shouting out of cars at black people on the street and stuff like that,' Joseph said, noting that he wasn’t 'a racist or anything like
that,' but that he too used both words from time to time.
Junior WASP: So I just discovered falafel...I didn’t know how to spell it. I thought it started with a “ph.”
Girl: I can't believe you used our lube to masturbate. Guy: That shit is amazing. With six drops of that stuff I think I could fuck a walnut.
Woody Woo senior, definitively: Converting PDFs to Word is one of the biggest challenges that people face.
Non-Jewish Girl: Are you allowed to have sex with me during Passover?
Strapping Jewish Guy: As long as you aren’t covered in bread.
[Man. Editor’s note: According to Halacha, this is not quite correct.
Consider the requirement for all Jewish males at the seder meal to be circumcised. The blood of circumcision is like the lamb’s blood over the door, it symbolizes and defines the bonds uniting Jews together. During the seder we remember our slavery as people amongst
co-religionists. So it seems that being bread-free and Jewish would meet the requirements for this young co-ed to have sex with the strapping
Professor: What do you think about the recent news on Puerto Rico?
Cottage junior: I feel like before this I didn't even know where it was on the map. I just had, like, no consciousness of it.
Professor: …Where did you think it was?
Cottage junior: Idk in like the Pacific or something.
Kanye West: By the way, I don't know the days of the week. I just do to exactly when my appointment is.
Virgin, on mysterious item in box: It smells like the lubricant we used to lubricate our rifles with in high school.
Other virgin: Just your rifles???
Spunky Nass writer, to Nass editor-in-chief: Why the fuck are you at cottage. Literally give me .25 of a decent explanation.
Zete junior: Do you know what I’m really worried about? The pledges not knowing where each other’s nipples are.
Professor: So what's great about this essay?
Savage: You know, I really like the fact that this is the first draft and it'll be revised.
EIC: I emailed David Remnick once. He got back to me within, like, ten seconds.
Former EIC: What'd he say?
EIC: "The New Yorker is not hiring editorial interns for the summer."