Sophomore Ivy hopeful wearing a Canada Goose: I'm sorry I'm a man of the people and I don't know how to spell Moncler.
Plaid-wearing senior: I don't like the furnishings in this room. The feng shui is fucked up.
Stressed-out sophomore: I'll be honest, I think I probably have a solid cry about once a month. Usually in the shower. Put on some sad music and just go for it. That way I'm not wasting time. I mean, we all have to shower.
Senior, on job recruiting: I think I'll go to a theological seminary. I just feel closer to God through this process.
Orange Key guide: Princeton Preview is a great chance to sleep with a student.
First-year: I am a tall, white man of privilege—they won’t hit me. I am the most expensive thing in the parking lot.
Junior Pi Phi: I am so fed up with everyone on this campus who calls themselves a communist and isn't.
Male Managing Editor: I've never checked a book out of Firestone.
Me: Oh, really?
Managing Editor: Yeah, I actually don't know how and at this point I'm too afraid to ask.
Jewish Nass editor: *leans in and rests head on other Jewish Nass editor's shoulder*
You smell like a synagogue.
BodyHype senior: Pregnancy is more than just a stomach.
Later: I want to balance a bowl of cereal on my stomach.
Later: Surrogacy probably pays a lot of money. Maybe that's how I'll pay for grad school.
White sorority woman: Can we go to Olives? I’m craving chicken salad. I’m really into mayonnaise this year.
WASP: My dad finally got a personal email. Now that it doesn’t have the CEO signature, I don’t even know if it’s him.
After casino night, sophomore girl in front of honey mustard: Really, that’s your guys’ favorite position?
[Later] Same girl, earnestly: Do I have a nice butt to fuck from behind?
Sophomore woman, gesturing to Pi Phi in Van Cleef necklace: Oh, are those the Pi Phi necklaces?
Male Priest: God always intended us to make computers...I firmly believe this, although the initial world he created was perfect.