Writer: I feel like Freud would have a lot to say about this. Other writer: I don’t know much about Freud. Writer: Me neither.
Frosh, having just awoken from a nap: Bro, Princeton is easy. Don’t you know we have a 98% graduation rate?
Philosophizing girl talking to her friend: It’s so much easier to assume that everyone is wrong than it is to assume that anyone is right.
Introspective Sophomore: I enjoy being de-personified.
Future dictator: I was thinking about applying to the honor committee so I could know what it feels like to be corrupted by power.
Upset sophomore: The fact that they took Supervillain Island off of Poptropica is literally a hate crime
Smug Sophomore: I’m writing an essay for Creative Nonfiction about a mathematician’s relationship to chalkboards.
Newly Initiated TI Sophomore, on the phone: “I can’t wait to bring you. Dad, do you want to go out? Like to a party?”
Worried student to strangers: Have you seen a taller, older white man in pajama pants?
Oblivious freshman: You can’t take abuse? Why not?
Overly conscious freshman: That’s not a guy name. Wait, names don’t have gender. I messed up!
Frosh to friend, describing problematic male: He just mansplains a lot. Friend: I kinda like that though.
Frosh to friend, preparing for their first Princetoween: Nooo, I don’t wanna be slutty Harry Potter!
Struggling CBE freshman “Pop tarts are sugar ravioli!”
Woke PTL philosophy major: The patriarchy is IN Frist.
Freshman washed-up girl: Yeah, I mean, I know he does Liars’ club, but he’s a good guy!
Freshman Tigression: Her birthday is tomorrow?! No way. She can’t be a pisces. That makes no sense. We have to do her chart.
SWUG heading to a thesis meeting: I am going to commit sudoku. Other SWUG: Sudoku? SWUG, late to thesis meeting: Seppuku.
Girl on phone: Fuck you if you’re old!
Sophomore Guy 1: I’ve got to go to the EQuad to work on my EPICs project. Sophomore Guy 2: Ah what do you read for that, The Odyssey?
Girl discussing a suspected cheater: I just don’t understand how he can lie that well! He’s either a professional or he’s crazy. [beat] And I mean, his favorite movie is Beautiful Mind…
Frantic Nass editor: Who has scholarship lying around?
Oblivious girl on phone: I mean, all claims of elder abuse aside…
Finance bro: Jesus doesn’t like pussy
Woke sophomore: It all kind of just boils down to sexism.