Germany-obsessed medievalist: I want to get high as a kite and watch Teletubbies.
Critical-theory post-modernist Turk: I feel like that show warrants something harder.
Shanghai soph about dispute with senior: I'm low key glad he's eating shit cuz his family's KMT.
Wholesome sophomore laying on checkered blanket, as man in floral print and beads staggers away: OH! He's coming from Sunday Funday. I thought he was just playing Pokémon Go!
Tote-carrying soph in fake Birks, yelling: Oh my god you KNOW I love that moon shit! I want my periods to sync up with the moon!!
Cottage girl to 30-year-old Chinese man in English, trying to explain the word “thrive”: Thriving is like… [pauses]… living your best life.
Girl on the phone inside her room: I honestly don't know – Mom has the prescription. All I know is it takes away my periods and makes my boobs smaller.
Pretentious boarding school Terran soph: I guess Heidigger is accompanying me to get Plan B today.
A's sophomore: A lot of my sexual frustrations came out while playing the Sims.
Art history major: I really haven’t given Cardi B a chance except for “Kodak Yellow.”
Confused soph: I applied for this job at a consulting firm and I think I'm going to get it, I'm so excited!
Friend: Oh what's the job?
Soph: Oh I have no idea. I don't even know what consulting firms do.
CWR and VIS Certificate English major: Why be a good human when you can be a flawed god?
White junior on the whiteness of Shere Khan: Honestly this is worse than the Tory.
Senior female: I mean when you ask, “Was it good?”... I blew him in the laundry room. I encourage it.
Upper West Sider to Upper West Sider: Have I ever brought you to the Elvis-themed fast station diner in the West Bank?
Social media editor: Hey, want to see this crazy bug bite on my ass?
Web editor: Sure.
Former web editor: I guess?
Social media editor: *lowers pants and underwear in the middle of rocky dhall*
Editor: I saw Kendall Jenner outside a sweetgreen in TriBeCa... what’s your favorite sweetgreen?
Senior man: Are you drunk? You smell like beer.
Senior female: That does not us drunk make.
Neurotic copy editor, on the death of print journalism: Do you hear me in the distance, screaming? Cause I’M DOING IT!!
Canada Goose-wearing Nass editor: I honestly can't think of a better 20th-century leader than Fidel.