Ivy senior sadboi, at 1 a.m. after Sunday Funday: That’s how I feel about sadness—I’m really addicted to it but I don’t like it.
Twenty-something female: And I’m like, I do not need to see your cervix. We’re not that close.
Low-key humanitarian, high-key drunk: I went on one of those community service trips to Jamaica in college, but our driver hit a house, so we ended up rebuilding that one instead.
Drunk girl in sequins: Only cool people allowed. Only people who like Lean Cuisine.
Sophomore Theta with a fiber stomachache: I just love legumes, but I literally couldn’t even go to Olives anymore if I stopped eating them. I only eat legumes there.
Sophomore progressive: No one at Princeton is a Marxist.
Sophomore progressive 2: What about [redacted]? He suffers so much.
Senior boy, on recent alum: Her entire life is a meta-commentary on the ills of humanity.
Edmund White, on teaching at Brown: I mean, well... most of the students were Euro trash.
Orange Key guide: Princeton Preview is a great chance to sleep with a student.
Desperate Austrian military general, using his best pick-up line: I can be virile in any alcove.
White COS major demonstrating with Google Earth: I’m trying to find a city. *zooms in on Africa* Oh no, let’s go to a more civilized location… *scrolls away*
Terrace alum/community auditor, class of '61: The first thing I learned when I got to Princeton was that not all the goyim are dumb!