Overheard in a GroupMe

RCA, about a college T-shirt: The only time I will touch that shirt is when there is a spill that needs to be cleaned up.

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Overheard in Quarantined House

Sister approaching mental breakdown: I swear to God if there's food in there I will slap-
Sister removing a ziploc bag from a drawer: No, it's just hair.

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Overheard on the Phone

Young Theologian: Since when does God occupy that kind of real-estate in my mind? At most he can come over for drinks on the patio sometimes.

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Overheard at the Kitchen Table

White Boy: I think a lot of other pasty white people besides me are also in love with Phoebe Bridgers
Taiwanese-Mexican Boy: Wait, what does pasty mean? Is that like WASP-y?

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Overheard in Seminar

Comp Lit Professor: I don't care about French.

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Overheard in the Streets of Philly

Dude 1: This is the smoothest vape around.
Dude 2: That's like the worst sentence I've ever heard.

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Overheard after Precept

Yung Democrat: You dated someone who wasn't even registered to vote!

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Overheard during Global History of Monsters Lecture

Monster Rights Activist: YOU'RE NOT GOING TO CONVINCE ME THAT THE ONE AT FAULT HERE IS CHUPACABRA'S MOM

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Overheard in Bible as Literature Precept

Neuroscience major: "Authoritarianism isn't always bad."

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Overheard in Florida Suburbia

Aggressive Feminist: You know how men used to take off their glove and throw it on the ground to declare war? I feel like women should just *violently gestures to remove bra and throw it on the ground*

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Overheard in Florida Suburbia

Jaded Younger Sister: You know, when I say that I'm going to fail a test, I actually do. Next time, commit

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Overheard on a farm in Georgia

Stoned Junior Girl: Drunk driving is my fantasy

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Overheard on iMessage

Is anyone else getting TikToks about the CIA documents about alternate timelines and energy holograms or is it just me?

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Overheard on a walkway

Delirious sophomore girl: Fuck bitches get money. I love George Washington

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Overheard on iMessage

Boyfriend: Why am I so turned on by this stormtrooper?

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Overheard in Murray Dodge

Confused Freshman: I'm notorious in my own head for forgetting names.

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Overheard in 1937 Hall

First Year Girl, to her friend: I shouldn't have gone halfway through the semester before I realized I could get the guys to do my work.

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Overheard on iMessage

Disgruntled Soph: Literally who let me pick a major when I was constantly stoned because engineering is not where it's at.

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Overheard in Forbes

Math major: Dude the internet might go down. If the virus gets into the servers…

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Overheard on the Street

White Cottage male with an AEI backpack: You can't get coronavirus if you get hit by a car.

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Overheard in the south

Girl, pining for European boyfriend: I would not like to marry a circumcised man

Mother, letting out cry of surprise: Oh!

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Overheard during Corona freakout

Authoritative 2D senior: There are actually many Brooklyn based Witches.

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Overheard in Seminar

Tenured Comp Lit Professor: If you could draw this sentence as a topographical map, what would it show?

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Overheard on iMessage

Bright-eyed PSIA Major: I'm really interested in institutions.

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Overheard in my home

Sophomore trickster: I played an April Fool's prank and no one noticed it!

Me: What did you do?

Sophomore trickster: I died the toilet water yellow.

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