Mid-thirties male playing with fidget spinner, to envious young child: One day, kid, one day.
Mother: Sam is going to have a birthday party next week, by the way.
Dad: Wasn’t Sam’s birthday last month?
Mother: No, that was his Earth Day awareness party.
Man: The labia minora isn’t always perfectly symmetrical? Is that a Jewish thing?
Delirious sophomore, after an all-nighter: To remind me of home, my mom sent me a plastic bloody limb.
Boarding school teen, screaming: WHY IS IT THAT EVERY TIME I HAVE A FEMALE FRIEND YOU ACCUSE ME OF BEING A LESBIAN?!!?
Senior guy: I heard these two girls that, based on their voices, were in TI planning their senior trip to Thailand. It was awful.
Germany-obsessed medievalist: I want to get high as a kite and watch Teletubbies.
Critical-theory post-modernist Turk: I feel like that show warrants something harder.
Shanghai soph about dispute with senior: I'm low key glad he's eating shit cuz his family's KMT.
Wholesome sophomore laying on checkered blanket, as man in floral print and beads staggers away: OH! He's coming from Sunday Funday. I thought he was just playing Pokémon Go!
Tote-carrying soph in fake Birks, yelling: Oh my god you KNOW I love that moon shit! I want my periods to sync up with the moon!!
Cottage girl to 30-year-old Chinese man in English, trying to explain the word “thrive”: Thriving is like… [pauses]… living your best life.
Girl on the phone inside her room: I honestly don't know – Mom has the prescription. All I know is it takes away my periods and makes my boobs smaller.
Pretentious boarding school Terran soph: I guess Heidigger is accompanying me to get Plan B today.
A's sophomore: A lot of my sexual frustrations came out while playing the Sims.
Art history major: I really haven’t given Cardi B a chance except for “Kodak Yellow.”
Confused soph: I applied for this job at a consulting firm and I think I'm going to get it, I'm so excited!
Friend: Oh what's the job?
Soph: Oh I have no idea. I don't even know what consulting firms do.
CWR and VIS Certificate English major: Why be a good human when you can be a flawed god?
White junior on the whiteness of Shere Khan: Honestly this is worse than the Tory.
Senior female: I mean when you ask, “Was it good?”... I blew him in the laundry room. I encourage it.