Overheard in Terrace

Sophomore guy: No, no, I’m not steampunk, I’m just bouncing off of steampunk.

Overheard at Bank Street

Cap dude: Yeah, two people in my fraternity have lost their fingers.

Overheard in Georgetown

Young woman: What’re you gonna get at AllSaints?
Young man: A blowjob.

Overheard in Pyne

Ivy senior sadboi, at 1 a.m. after Sunday Funday: That’s how I feel about sadness—I’m really addicted to it but I don’t like it.

Overheard at a wedding

Twenty-something female: And I’m like, I do not need to see your cervix. We’re not that close.

Overheard in Wilf

Nass EIC: This hummus is godly.
Observant Jew: The Nass is not the Messiah.

Overheard on party bus

Low-key humanitarian, high-key drunk: I went on one of those community service trips to Jamaica in college, but our driver hit a house, so we ended up rebuilding that one instead.

Overheard in an elevator

Drunk girl in sequins: Only cool people allowed. Only people who like Lean Cuisine.

Overheard in Club Monaco

Sophomore Theta with a fiber stomachache: I just love legumes, but I literally couldn’t even go to Olives anymore if I stopped eating them. I only eat legumes there.

Overheard in Rocky

Large bearded man: You can’t be nervous in this world with an 18-inch cock.

Overheard in Butler

Sophomore progressive: No one at Princeton is a Marxist.
Sophomore progressive 2: What about [redacted]? He suffers so much.

Overheard on Ivy patio

Senior boy, on recent alum: Her entire life is a meta-commentary on the ills of humanity.

Overheard in CWR201

Edmund White, on teaching at Brown: I mean, well... most of the students were Euro trash.

Overheard in Ivy

Sophomore Pi Phi: What does WASP stand for? White, average-sized person?

Overheard in Patton

Former Nass EIC: Journalism is imploding.

Overheard in Frist

Sophomore Pi Phi: I only have one Google alert, and it’s for Mindy Kaling.

Overheard at the Woody Woo fountain

Tall man: I guess cold brew is too much for me.

Overheard outside Frist

Orange Key guide: Princeton Preview is a great chance to sleep with a student.

Overheard in Firestone

Nass editor, Hamlet fan, pencil aficionado: 2B or not 2B...

Overheard at the Met Opera

Desperate Austrian military general, using his best pick-up line: I can be virile in any alcove.

Overheard in Cafe Viv

White COS major demonstrating with Google Earth: I’m trying to find a city. *zooms in on Africa* Oh no, let’s go to a more civilized location… *scrolls away*

Overheard at Terrace

Terrace alum/community auditor, class of '61: The first thing I learned when I got to Princeton was that not all the goyim are dumb!

Overheard via iMessage

DC wasp: I’m the hottest youngest person at the Chevy Chase Whole Foods.

Overheard in McCosh 50

Cecily Strong: I'm actually not as badass as I looked on CSPAN.

Overheard in NYC

Mudboy: I was like I'm sorry I can't go home with you. I have to finish the Prospect 11.