Cottage girl to 30-year-old Chinese man in English, trying to explain the word “thrive”: Thriving is like… [pauses]… living your best life.
Woke white man: Elizabeth Warren sucks, but I’ll happily vote for her once Bernie Sanders dies.
Nass senior, on former crush: I thought he was flirting me, but it turns out he just does a lot bath salts.
Senior lit-bro: I was actually thinking of going to a public restroom to shave my pubes because I didn’t want to shave them in ours.
Artist: Just from looking at her LinkedIn profile I thought I would never be close friends with her.
Curious Color Skeptic: “Am I crazy or is that orb actually orange?”
Offended neighbor: “Bro, I'm color blind.”
Friend on couch: "Of these three books, which one did Sally Rooney write…Jane Eyre, Wuthering Heights, or Normal People?"
Barista tamping espresso: "Well, it's not Jane Eyre."
Professor Alan Mann: Here is the pelvis of a 1- to 2-year-old infant. Don’t worry, it’s plastic, it’s not an ex cutie-pie.
Junior girl: I feel like having a trust fund could be stressful.
WASP male: Oh, it definitely is not.
A's sophomore: A lot of my sexual frustrations came out while playing the Sims.
Aimless senior: Should I do Teach for America?
Mom: Does that mean you have to be a teacher?
RCA 1: I've always wondered what it'd be like to be tazed.
RCA 2: It'd be a fun study break.
Potential Hire: There are such great benefits: eternal healthcare, opportunities to move up–
Skeptic: There's upward mobility in Hell?
Potential Hire: Of course. And a great, caring boss.
Zete senior, on Brokeback Mountain: I can’t keep Jack and Ennis straight.
Clearly a NARP: Sometimes I wish I were an athlete. It must be great to just run around a field occasionally and pretend you’re at war or something.
Toni Morrison: When we discuss homelessness, we rarely ask, “Why do we value the home?” What about people who have too much home? People who can’t leave home?
Aesthete: I want my clothes to be like Helvetica. Minimum effort, maximum palatability.
Ivy soph, after learning he was younger than the frosh with whom he was speaking: Well I’m a member here so…