Dramatic Avenger: There was a mosquito flying around and I killed it midair. And it went pop. And in my hands was blood. Who's blood? My blood. That's what you get when you minorly inconvenience me. I murder you.
Professor: If you say something is “bad," it has kind of a negative connotation
Princeton dropout, pointing at a Fjallraven Kanken backpack: I could wipe my butt with that.
Prospective religion major frosh: If Jesus is from the Middle East, why does he have a Hispanic name?
Cap junior: When I graduate from Princeton, the GroupMe is gonna be my biggest accomplishment.
Cinematic Prof: Kant’s argument was similar to what’s going on in the Matrix. But I've never actually seen the Matrix. Anyway, that’s what Kant is saying.
Bridesmaid: “It's gonna be the straightest thing I've participated in. She's fully marrying a man.”
Chemistry tutor: These hydroxide groups make hydroxide bonds, kind of like 69-ing.
Junior ARCA: I have never been in a room with so many fedoras.
Ivy junior: I smoked and did some lines and now I don’t know whether to be hyped or chill. I’m like Nietzsche and the Second Dilemma.
Random soph: Thesis fairying is like social security. You pay into it for three years and then you get less than expected when you're a senior.
Preppy girl: No one at Lawrenceville even wore Sperrys until I started wearing them.
Nass editor’s roommate: If I had an English accent, I’d be capable of absolute devastation.
Philosophy professor: It's kind of common knowledge that Scientology is absolute garbage.
Pike Pledge: Dude, my penis is so small that the only chance I have for pleasuring a girl is to tell a good joke during sex.
Future Bridgewater employee: I just had a moment where I realized how glad I was to be white.
Literary SWUG: I love having a youthful body. Even if nobody touches it, it's like, a museum piece.