Independent and future diplomat: I don’t want to learn how to cook because I want to be able to tell people that I’m the "canned food guy."
Sorority girl on the phone: I don’t know, Dad. All I’ve eaten today are a couple of breathmints.
Vice President: Well, true, it was unprecedented. I've been in the business for a long time and never seen a situation quite like this. We've had experiences where the President has been shot; we've never had a situation where the Vice President shot somebody.
Astute Reporter: Not since Aaron Burr...
VP: Not since Aaron Burr.
AP: Different circumstances.
VP: Different circumstances.
Shiksa Brit: If I were creating a master race, it would probably look pretty Jewish.
Bro at urinal, to other bro: I like using the kiddie urinal, because I have a tiny dick.
Nass frosh: Do you read the New Yorker? I mean, have you heard of David Remnick?
Girl: I've heard it's kind of weird
after you jerk off...you pee kinda
funny.
Boy: Oh yeah, that's because
there's extra residue of jizz in there
that's get sticky and clogged up
a bit, unless you've gotten completely
sucked off. Then the pipes
are clean.
[Uncomfortable pause]
Boy: Oh, I love my pipes clean!
Adjunct professor of Mathematics: So the question is, how many peo- ple are you going to date in your lifetime? But don’t ask a math- ematician that question because the answer is 0, or 1 if you’re lucky.
P-Safe Officer 1 to P-Safe Officer 2: Have you seen that movie _Over My Dead Body_ with Paul Rudd?
Someone who likes the French Revolution a little too much: Why can’t we just turn all of the churches into temples of reason again?
Our back cover, God willing, will be "The Top Ten Top Ten Lists the Nass Shouldn't Do." We're looking for more ideas.
Top Ten Favorite Quotes from the Vagina Monologues
Top Ten Most Powerful People on Campus with AIDS
Top Ten Drugs Used at Terrace
Top Ten Drug Users at Terrace
Top Ten Bathrooms for Doing Cocaine
Top Ten Trail of Tears Jokes We Know" Top
Ten Nass Writers Ashamed of Their Red State Heritage Top Ten Nass Writers
Who Aren't Jewish (if there are Ten) Top Ten Nass Writers Who Were Abused As Children Yet Still Manage to Be Funny
Indonesia's Top Ten Funniest Tsunami Videos
Top Ten Jacob Savage Fashion Tips
Axe Deodorant Body Spray is the all-over body spray with effective deodorant protection and a long-lasting fragrance designed to seduce the ladies. If you Spray it, they will come.
Frosh taking care of drunk friend: I've been around a lot of people who have been McCoshed or PMCed and he is not at that point yet
Chi Phi junior 1: In fact, I haven’t seen any dicks today.
Chi Phi junior 2: That’s amazing.
Employee to Boss: There’s just no swiss cheese. There just isn’t any. There is none. There is no swiss cheese. We have parsley. We have ham. There is no swiss cheese.
My mom (with total sincerity): Legal weed in New Jersey isn't a big deal for Princeton anyway, none of you would EVER do that.
Bro: I can get all this candy?
Cashier: Yes.
Bro: For just this money?
Cashier: Yes.
Bro: Incredible.
Millennial dudebro professor: I had a friend in high school, we called her 'Sniggles,' because she laughed with her lips closed… like… teee heeee… heee hee heee…