A perspicacious student of machine writing: James Joyce does not pass the Turing Test.

Diner: The worst part about my cousin coming out of the closet was how long it took. She was talking to me for like five hours.

Hi! We ([Redacted] and I) were wondering if we could string up a giant banner over your front door during lawnparties. It would read: THE EATING CLUBS ARE FATTENING YOU FOR THE SLAUGHTER. Please let us know! Thanks, [Redacted].

Girl 1: I’ve been buying so many clothes on my mom’s credit card Girl 2: Doesn’t she mind? Girl 1: It’s okay, I buy smaller things in-between so she doesn’t notice the big purchases when she looks at the statement.

Hey, Aliza, I heard you were gonna be in Cats!

Guy: “It’s good to see you.” Other Guy: “Thanks. I wish I could say the same.”

Posh & prim boss: Hi there, how are you today Marco?  Marco the Sweat-drenched Serb: Sweating like a whore in church, but I’m alright.

Yung aspiring journalist: I want to third floor bicker the New Yorker.

Sophomore Pi Phi 1: Do I get this sushi? Sophomore Pi Phi 2: They never have Hawaiian rolls, but do now. So do it! Pi Phi 1: But formals are so soon and I don’t want to wear Spanx this year. Pi Phi 2: What’s so bad about sushi? Pi Phi 1: Rice is a…

Junior girl: I feel like having a trust fund could be stressful. WASP male: Oh, it definitely is not.

Junior, pondering the future: But then you have to think… is one nanny enough for three kids?

It’s not about being disabled. It’s about Minnesota.