Freud: Indeed, even the museum of human excrement could be given an interpretation to rejoice my heart.
Shrieking sophomore girl: I need to think about this, and I need to think about this HARD… *thinks* … I don’t think I should go for him.
Uninterested friend: I mean, doesn’t he have a girlfriend?
Girl: I hear you’re a great butterfly kisser.
Guy: Fuck that. I don't give butterfly kisses. I slay chicks.
Sexually frustrated student: Is it wrong to be sexually attracted to your own bitmoji?
Target Checker: That will be $12.63.
Nass Editor-in-Chief: Um, I think you'll notice on the sticker that the lampshade is actually priced at $0.00.
Target Checker: That was a mistake. You are not getting this lampshade for free.
Nass EIC: I'm a Jew.
Target Checker: Do you want to buy the lampshade?
Nass EIC: No.
Truth-telling junior boy: Terrace is expensive and woke white activists don’t actually like to do shit.
Presumed grad student 1: So is there usually a long queue at these things?
Presumed grad student 2: I don’t really know. I always cut to the front because, you know, I’m the Blond White Guy Who Speaks Hindi.
Brown Student: I think I'm going to major in Urban Studies.
Princeton Student: What is that? Like graffiti and stuff?
250-lb. TI junior: No girl is safe from my non-sexual rage. Your vagina is safe, but your skeleton is not.
Freshman guy: We still haven't introduced ourselves yet.
Freshman girl: Let's all go around the room and say our name and spirit animal.
Freshman guy: I'm [name], and...yeast.
Promiscuous Freshman Bottom: Because when it's uncut the tip has a little tang to it.
Will you all stop being fucking nose pirates and go to bed, goddammitt?
Junior theta: I learned everything I know about Jesus from Jesus Christ Superstar, which means I know a lot.
Professor: They didn't have venereal disease. No, venereal disease is a gift of the New World... like potatoes, and maize.
Student: Coffee is not that scary.
Mormon-coded student: Yes it is, it’s a gateway into addiction.
Women’s track team member: I didn’t know you could hold in a fart until, like, last year.