Gay man voting for Pete Buttigieg: I thought I got into Princeton because my mom was a legacy and I applied as a Classics Major, but I just learned about pretty privilege and it might be because of the symmetry of my face.

Cynical Physicist: At some point when I was a kid, there was a zap, and I was like, “Why do I have to keep being nice? Screw this.” And I’m still like that today.

Guy (awkwardly): Hi, [redacted]. Girl: I bet I don’t want to know what’s in that paper bag! Guy: I packed a lunch! Just kidding, they’re testing my pee. Why else would the bag be so warm?

Former Terrace officer: Did you hear they’re trying to stop Juul from marketing to teens? They can’t do that! It is sexy BY DESIGN. It’s just sleek and beautiful…could belong in a museum. Like truly Juuls just speak to our MOMENT.

Tower junior: All of Bourbon Street is like TI, but like, more colorful and gay.

Terrace male, to Pi Phi female: You have an iron I can borrow by any chance? Mini fashion emergency.

Guy: What’s your major? Girl: Chemical engineering. Guy: Sweet.  What’s your favorite element? Girl: Water.

Guy: Just wait until she blacks out, bro.

Earnest frosh: My roommate had an orgy on the sailing trip. Well, he didn’t really have an orgy—he just subbed in for someone else.

Flamboyant senior boy: After a long day of reading Freud, I felt so awkward asking the Frist mailman for my package.

Asian man, to friend: It’s neither heaven nor hell. It’s just Tower.

Annoyed Bridge Year Kid: St. A’s people love nothing more than to tell you how they aren’t supposed to talk about St. A’s.