Senior Pi Phi: Wow he went to Africa! Oh wait… I think that's just North Carolina.
SLA Professor: “No, you need to understand the reason I hate Ivan so much is because he reminds me the most of me.”
Chemistry tutor: These hydroxide groups make hydroxide bonds, kind of like 69-ing.
Social scientist who desperately wants to be more quantitative: I had to teach my magician friend Bayes’ Theorem to get him to learn that one.
Authors’ sign off: Eating Asian pussy, all we need is sweet and sour sauce.
Tower junior, on dating: To the political moderate, my Marxist orientation is like me owning a Harley.
Junior RCA man, on the phone with waitress at Hunan: Good night, beautiful.
Abuser of narrative: You’d be shocked to hear this — I rarely have dreams about murdering people.
Young woman: When you get your wisdom teeth out you lose 20 pounds like instantly because you can't eat, so get excited.
Junior WASP: So I just discovered falafel...I didn’t know how to spell it. I thought it started with a “ph.”
Sophomore, possible bassist: When I think of my bedroom, I think of sticky and sweaty.
KA 1: I'm gonna check my credit score next month and it's going to be higher than yours.
KA 2: I'm taking out a line of credit, let the arms race begin
Jacob Gold: (awkwardly) "So...I thought you guys had alcohol at these things?"
Lively English Prof: And my friend told me, who's really a snob, 'You're not a foodie. You're a glutton.'
Drunk girl 1: Shout it out to the world, Sarah, what do you want covered?!
Drunk girl 2, screaming: My vagina!!!
Cookie Enthusiast: I think I would kill everyone here if it meant I would receive the freshest cookies.
Tourist, picking up phone to photograph Holder tower: What is this? A church?
Prefrosh 1, bewildered: Wait, how did you get waitlisted at WashU?
Prefrosh 2: I know, right?
Prefrosh 3: Well, I got rejected at Cornell, Penn, and Dartmouth!
Guy: I've just written a children's parable.
Girl: What's it about?
Guy: It's about a sister who has nothing to give her brother on his birthday so she gives him her AIDS.