English Senior; Famous Poet: Sometimes I wish I smoked. It would give me an excuse to go outside.
Woman perusing restaurant menu, to friend: That's not gonna help your pink eye, but it's very tasty.
Chi Phi bro: One industry I want to break in is whaling. I know they’re there because of all the people protesting. How do I become a whaler?
Suspicious professor: "I'm suspecting a lot of parties yesterday."
Exhausted student: "No. Benadryl."
Junior Frat Boy: I love cocaine, man. I love doing it. I love talking about it. Cocaine is the BOMB.
Drunk girl: I worked from 10-5.
Drunk dude spitting incoherent game: Better than 10-8.
Alumni to Terrace officer: You look great. In fact, you look like you belong at another eating club.
Posh & prim boss: Hi there, how are you today Marco?
Marco the Sweat-drenched Serb: Sweating like a whore in church, but I’m alright.
Senior dude: I think there should be a definitive ranking of islands based on the strength of their internet connection.
Senior, on drug dealer: This dude is so professional! He gives me weed in a fucking cell phone box in a Target bag.
St. A’s junior: It’s important to look cool. If you look lame, people won’t have sex with you.
Self-assured frosh after getting pass to TI: I'm not a social climber if I'm already at the top.
Toolish COS major: I’m gonna go upstairs and study in Jane Street Library. I mean, J Street.
Girl: Why do people become pediatricians?
Joyce Carol Oates: Is it because they're pedophiles?
Dep rep:
Dear students,
If your independent work/thesis project involves the use of drones, can you please contact me.
Guy: Putting a case on your iPhone is like putting a burqa on your girlfriend.
Friend 1, texting: Do you want me to bring the bong.
Friend 2: No, it’s all good.
Friend 1, arriving: Sorry, I didn’t see your text. I brought it anyway. I also brought my popcorn maker.
Overexcited Sister: Call me back! I have news that isn’t about me bleeding out!
SWUG (Sophomore Washed Up Gay): I was such a good boyfriend that they literally needed a trans-continental rebound.