Student: Yeah I heard that in North Korea if you're a government informant you get a free rice cooker… or a TV or something.
Defensive man: You may be busy trying to lose your virginity, but I'm busy trying to read my Greek-English lexicon.
Band member 1: I’d sell my soul for a thousand dolllars...Honestly, there’s very little I wouldn’t do.
Band member 2: Would you eat human?
Band member 1: I would eat deep-fried penis.
P-Safe Officer 1 to P-Safe Officer 2: Have you seen that movie _Over My Dead Body_ with Paul Rudd?
Girl on phone: I just wanted someone to talk to—[pause]...about my thesis.
Beautiful girlfriend: I thought you liked me for my personality.
Realistic boyfriend: It’s okay.
Professor: Those croissants better be good because you are breaking and entering.
International 1: Have you ever been to Terrace?
International 2: No.
International 1: It’s shit, man. It’s fucking terrible. The building is falling apart and there are hairs everywhere.
Ben Carson disguised as a Princeton student: Ben Carson would be a terrible president, but he’s a great American.
Frosh 1, on ancestry.com: I'm interested in my heritage.
Frosh 2: You're white as fuck.
Mom: Another thing I have to stop is my subscription to Willy Nelson drug tea.
Orange Key tour guide: Here are all the eating clubs. I’m not going to tell you which is the best. But shhhhhh, if you don’t tell anybody, Tower is the best ‘cause I’m in it.
Contemplative Junior Film Watcher: I don’t get uncomfortable watching sex scenes with my parents. After all, aren’t we all just sacks of jello with teeth?
I don’t get this last Canto. I mean, who is this Judas guy?
Guy, after he’s caught leering at Girl’s breasts: Uh, is that a Stan- ford sweatshirt?
Girl: (Wearing high school sweat- shirt.)
Caption: are you actually homeless?
Boy 1, calling from window to boy on ground: We’re thinking of different balcony scenes.
Boy 2, on ground: Which balcony scene are you thinking of?
Boy 1: The one from Les Miserables.
Boy 2: Oh. (pause) Which one was I thinking of?
Vice President: Well, true, it was unprecedented. I've been in the business for a long time and never seen a situation quite like this. We've had experiences where the President has been shot; we've never had a situation where the Vice President shot somebody.
Astute Reporter: Not since Aaron Burr...
VP: Not since Aaron Burr.
AP: Different circumstances.
VP: Different circumstances.