Girl: Hello, Can you please remove me from this listserv? Thanks.
Hard Drinker on cocktails: Why would you do that? It's like diluting your vaccines to take more of them.
Pre-Med Student: No one does that.
Insightful freshman male, to female counterpart: I think I’m a little too much of an atheist to believe in god.
Senior SWUG 1: I realized I can’t hook up with anyone tonight bc I need to get a bikini wax
Senior SWUG 2: I thought about that, but I read Cosmo and apparently guys really don’t care
Cookie Enthusiast: I think I would kill everyone here if it meant I would receive the freshest cookies.
Lede: Last week, while the French people were tearing each other apart over a giant anal plug…
White boy, completely seriously: Oh, man. This is my absolute shit. What a fucking banger.
Conflicted freshman: I used to really support Hillary, but now I just feel dead inside?
Prof. Rosen: Why would a self-regarding act, like homosexual behavior, have grounds for punishment under the harm principle?
Student #1: Well, it might motivate others to think that it is a
good thing to do, through television and stuff.
Prof. Rosen: It might motivate others to participate in a self-regarding act?
Student #2: It might make those people go to Hell.
PSafe officer to religious protestors: Yeah… we're actually more worried about these kids coming after you guys.
Jewish Marxist A's Ivy junior: I love the Nass verbatims, they're so relatable.
Junior, pondering the future: But then you have to think… is one nanny enough for three kids?
Humanities Student: Can I say something that liberals would hate? I get so much flak for talking about polygamy. Centuries ago, it would have helped women gain rights through marriage.
WASP man: I had 27 Patagonias in high school, I was the king of Patagonias...And in boarding school that means a lot.
Misguided Optimist on the Phili Flyer's Mascot: How dare you compare Gritty to Satanism. Gritty is all that is good in the world!
Princeton engineering prof: A lot of autoimmune disorders are because our bodies are bored.
Philosophical White Man: I feel like white people name their children really long names to have power over them. Like knowing the name of a demon.
Class-critiquing sophomore: "There's something anti-capitalist about taking my medication and washing it down with beer."