Cottage girl to 30-year-old Chinese man in English, trying to explain the word “thrive”: Thriving is like… [pauses]… living your best life.
Dual citizen, flipping through the Verso Books catalogue: If you read every single one of these, what do you think would happen to you?
Ex-hotel employee, on former em- ployer: Fuck that shit. In five years, imma get rich, go back there, and fuck prostitutes.
Smashed Girl (flirtatiously): Hi Eric.
Eric: Hey.
Girl: You're just saying that.
[...]
Same Smashed Girl, ten minutes later, eating furtively: I can taste the nonfat in this.
Drunk Bro: Dude, you don't understand how loud you are when you're drunk. It's like you've got caps lock on. Like, AHHH, WHERE THE FUCK IS MY COAT? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
One First RCA to another: I know this is a hot take, but you have to have kids. Life is not about having fun.
Female Terran, discussing plans for evening: I'm always down to damage the male ego.
Girl: And he was like, "You can put me on the guest list for Cottage," and I was like, "Dad, shut the fuck up, you didn't even go here."
ORFE major: Cory in the House was the precursor to Obama getting elected.
Freshman: Where are you from?
Woody Woo Junior: Pakistan.
Freshman: Oh, is that in India?
Junior woman wearing a United Nations hat: As a woman, I could never be with a man that was dumb.
Washed up athlete, reminiscing: Yeah, he was an alcoholic... so that was cool.
Chi Phi senior, to woman wearing Cottage beanie: Is that a Cottage beanie?
Woman wearing Cottage beanie: No.
Girl: He said, “You’re so pretty, wanna make out?” And I said cool and we made out and then I left.
Girl, pining for European boyfriend: I would not like to marry a circumcised man
Mother, letting out cry of surprise: Oh!
CBE junior: Philosophy is going to be my hardest class. Philosophy is just thinking, and I don't do that.
Classics Junior: I'm a Eurocentric imperialist white man!
Professor: Calm down.
Junior Theta: My personal goal for this semester is to get in with the alt crew