Boy 1: Who is that blond girl in Cottage in your profile picture? She was in my Dostoevsky seminar.
Boy 2: She's one of my best friends.
Boy 1: I feel like club sailing has some of the most diverse affiliations.
Drunk pharmacologist from North Carolina: Canker sores are real. Life is short, everyone. Individuality.
Former big baby: “I was a big baby.”
Former small baby: “Yeah, I see that for you.”
Change-maker: Everyone in this fucking school has a sister named Gigi. People need to stop having sisters named Gigi.
Girl on the phone inside her room: I honestly don't know – Mom has the prescription. All I know is it takes away my periods and makes my boobs smaller.
If Jesus were here right now, I’d punch him.
Astonished Ivy member: The TI women's bathroom is a freaking help desk. No, more than that. I walk into a bunch of girls who are too drunk, and there's a whole chain of command in place to help them.
Anal musician, about a girl coming to talk to him: She comes around and my anus recoils.
Person 1: Music is just marketing.
Person 2: Could you elaborate?
Person 1: Not really, no.
Jewish journalist: That’s why the Prince is bad, there are no Jews in it. Gentiles all!
Likes to Mix It Up: The three kinds of music I’m always listening to are harsh noise, jazz, and Midwest emo.
Devout Catholic to Marxist-Leninist: Who’s going to make the caramel gelato when the revolution comes?
Professor to undergrad: I hear what you’re asking. But you need to ask yourself, is that a serious question?
Self-hating English major, to another self-hating English major: You've come up with such creative ways to hate your body.
Christian Website: New Justin Bieber Song Was Just Leaked And It Is Beyond Sensual.
NSA employee: I am too drunk to go to work. It's a question of national security.
Me: You're the rap game Edward Snowden.
NSA employee, stricken: No, no...we don't joke about him.