Nass staffer: I may or may not have taken a relatively unsmelly shit and hidden it under a pile of checks.
Frosh to friend, preparing for their first Princetoween: Nooo, I don't wanna be slutty Harry Potter!
Freshman: Should I start meditating or get a klonopin prescription?
Terrace Show chair: I just booked a band called Panty Raid.
Sophomore: What do they play?
Show chair: I don’t know.
TI junior 1: When do we go on tap, but for food, tonight?
TI junior 2: You mean dinner?
TI junior 1: Oh yeah. that’s the word.
Girl 1: She is such a bitch.
Girl 2: Jesus, you can’t insult people in church.
Girl 2: Well, you just used the Lord’s name in vain.
Girl 1: Yeah, but you insulted a real person.
California Jew, to white male: You gotta go get some cracker pussy!
Southern belle: [looks shocked]
California Jew, to belle: What, did that offend you?
Southern belle (horrified): We're at a country club!
Jewish male, listening to Waka Flocka Flame: This song makes me want to throw up gang signs even though I know it would be wrong.
Princeton History professor: I am generically attractive and play by the rules. How can this be happening to me?
Burned Out Friend: *Goes on a depressing rant*
Over-committed Verbatim fan: That's so sad, and I can't even verbatim it.
Girl: “All the eating clubs are bad…the Blackest music they know is Starships.”
Professor: This theory is fundamentally wrong, but it works beautifully.
Student: That’s how I feel about Kanye West.
Girl 1: It is 2:23 in the morning.
Girl 2: I can't hear you over the sound of my pee.
Senior woman: You should go for him. Your college shelf-life aligns with his relationship longevity.
Vindictive volunteer: “I’m not really a community service type of girl.”
Girl describing pick-ups: So I’m sitting there, and my Wheat Thin’s getting sweaty…
Looking for an internship: It’s like I’m cooking, but it’s burning at the same time…
Graduating senior: I love Ambien so much… Can't wait to finally have my own prescription one day.
Triangle biz chair: Nobody in Triangle can know that I drank gin with a mixer.
[Sophomore grabs Hot Ivy Senior's boob]
Hot Ivy Senior: That's just not classy. I don't know whether or not you usually use that, but I find that dinner works better.