International Pi Phi, attempting to refer to the GPS-tracked buzzer: Hey, do you have a vibrator?
Girl: I've heard it's kind of weird
after you jerk off...you pee kinda
funny.
Boy: Oh yeah, that's because
there's extra residue of jizz in there
that's get sticky and clogged up
a bit, unless you've gotten completely
sucked off. Then the pipes
are clean.
[Uncomfortable pause]
Boy: Oh, I love my pipes clean!
Girl1: So are you going to go after him?
Girl2: I can't- my vagina still hurts from earlier!
Quirky senior girl: She has no other personality except being rich and alt. Except you can't be both rich and alt; you're just rich.
GSS Professor: I also want to emphasize that we will not be watching any pornography in class time.
Professor (Iecturing): And the Ancient Greeks used the Angle-Angle-Side theorem to find the distance between the Earth and the Moon. This angle (gesturing), we'll call angle Theta.
Freshman Theta (whispering to herself): Omigod...I'm a Theta...
Townie teen, to preppy friends: That’s really all we do. We eat and buy things.
Fearful fun-seeker: “We can’t go to a dive bar. What if somebody asks me to arm wrestle?”
Sympathetic friend: “That will probably happen.”
Fearful fun-seeker: “Fine. Let me get a pump in.”
Sophomore 1 on Bon Appetite: And then they got shut down because of racism.
Sophomore 2: And your sister is into that?
Shere Khan male, staring pensively at iTunes playlist entitled “Emo mix,” typing into search bar: “gym class heroes”
Same Shere Khan male, seconds later, typing into search bar: “dashboard confessional lyrics”
Tigertone: The Me Too movement needs to get on Adam Sandler. There's no way he's clean.
Alex: I just broke my phone, of anyone has an extra AT&T blackberry or any other phone it would be greatly appreciated. I’ll pay for it if need be.
Thanks!
Alex
Sent from my iPhone
Guy #1: Is there an obnoxious party going on up there...I hear Britney Spears?
Guy #2: By obnoxious party do you mean a high schooler performing unspeakable acts on me?
Artist: Just from looking at her LinkedIn profile I thought I would never be close friends with her.
Girl Who Looks Asian But Is Not Asian: I will not have you mocking my cultural heritage.
Guy Who Does Not Look Asian and Is Not Asian: Speaking of your cultural heritage, could you help me with a math problem?
Girl: And he was like, "You can put me on the guest list for Cottage," and I was like, "Dad, shut the fuck up, you didn't even go here."
Cottage cheese & tinned fish fangirl: I’m trying to eat more elderly people foods.
Women’s track team member: I didn’t know you could hold in a fart until, like, last year.
Professor with a pixie cut: So what does GDP stand for?
Backwards-hat-wearing econ major junior: Can I phone a friend?
Chi Phi: Why do you want to be fratty?
Theta: Why do you want to be fratty?
Chi Phi: Uh, because it’s fucking SICK?!
Girl: And my math preceptor actually speaks English. I would move up to 104, but I don't think I would be as lucky.