Drunk person: You should never ask for a blowjob. That’s like asking for a thousand dollar Christmas present.
Cannon sophomore, on horses: I rode them once, and was like, "this is an ineffective means of transportation."
Macedonian: You don’t hear Undergraduate Student Government and think, “this is something I want to join.”
Frat bro: Do you have to be debilitatingly poor to make cookies in Murray Dodge?
Guy: What does Tyler Allard have to do with the weekend page?
Girl: EDDD ZACHARY!
Sad junior: “My lamp just burned out. Is that representative of me?”
Friend: “Yeah, sorry, I’ve always known you were a light bulb.”
Jeff Nunokawa: Your grandparents will remember this, if they're not dead
Jeff Nunokawa, later: Tell your grandparents this. They'll die
Terrace junior: Sometimes, when I’m staring a large amount of work in the face, I wish that meth habits were socially acceptable.
Girl 1: There is so much snow, this is incredible!
Girl 2: Yeah. I haven't seen snow like this before.
Girl 1: So why aren't you acting excited? Isn't it awesome??
Girl 2: Because I'm even-keeled and I don't get excited about anything.
Australian junior wearing cheetah print: So what wave of feminism are we on??
Professor Edmund White, to Professor Susan Choi: What do your children think about you being Asian? Do they think that’s wild?
Math professor: Here's an example of an economic problem involving two goods...let's say, guns and beer. Economists are always talking about guns and beer.
Student: That's guns and butter.
Professor: Who cares about butter?
Sophomore Theta to other sophomore Theta, incredulously: Wait, you’ve never been to Paris!?
White man in business attire: I have so many public servants in my friend, it’s hysterical.
Pi Phi senior, to peer: You’re making literally millions, what are you doing a street person’s drug for?
Surprisingly impressed ooze-eater: I can tell everyone I came here for the black ooze
Martha’s Vineyard homeowner: I’m easily the best vacationer you know. I’m really good at taking vacations.
Guy: I mean, for all my twisted shit, I've never been attracted to little boys... I mean, legitimately!
Unfunny sophomore: “I’m stoned.”
Unamused respondent: “Cool”
Unfunny sophomore: “As in, I’m in stone. Firestone Library.”
I went to special dinner with him last night at Rocky.
Special dinner?
Yeah, if by ‘special dinner’ I mean a pie plate with a hole poked in it and his dick sticking through.