Nass freshman: I like myself because... I mean what is selfhood? I don’t know.
Professor of Music: The amount of musicians that came out of law school…it's the greatest conservatory!
Annoyed Bridge Year Kid: St. A's people love nothing more than to tell you how they aren't supposed to talk about St. A's.
Contemplative diner: “It was literally a walk-in drive-through. A walk-through, you could say.”
Bouncer 1: Did you hear about the naked thing?
Bouncer 2, fondly: Yeah, but at least they don't beat the shit out of each other.
Birthday Party: *sings Happy Birthday*
Director of Student Life: That is not an a capella group.
Chinese tourist, in Chinese: Where are the tigers? Where is Einstein’s office? Where is the math department?
Plaid-wearing senior: I don't like the furnishings in this room. The feng shui is fucked up.
Earnest Asian boy: I don’t have to be making 6 figures at age 22 ... right?
Sophomore girl using Snapchat: I feel so guilty. He's sent me nine dick pics already and I've only sent one tit pic in return.
Enthusiastic executive branch intern: “Just has to pass up through eight levels and it’ll be on Biden’s desk!”
Frat bro: Do you have to be debilitatingly poor to make cookies in Murray Dodge?
TI Senior Female: I think the eating of butts is the most egalitarian sex act there is.
Freshman Tigression: Her birthday is tomorrow?! No way. She can't be a pisces. That makes no sense. We have to do her chart.
Prospective English major in Calc I: When I factor something, I just like… orgasm.
Girl: He said, “You’re so pretty, wanna make out?” And I said cool and we made out and then I left.
Frustrated Professor: Are you guys old enough to know when your life is completely meaningless?
Article about male anxiety: Hysteria is so first millennium, welcome to the age of high scrociety!
Press Club member, pointing to Macy’s children’s ad, thirstily: How old are these girls?
Correction: An earlier version of a summary with this article misstated the former title of Dick Cheney. He was vice president, not president.