First-year, thoughtfully and earnestly: All my friends at other schools are getting hazed right now, and, you know, it'll kinda be cool to be part of it
Junior ORFE girl, giving advice: I just base all of my decisions on regret minimization framework.
Autocorrect victim: I’m about to cry just reading Alexandria Occasion Cortex's Wikipedia
Math major: I think I like boba just because I subconsciously like balls in my mouth
Frustrated middle-aged man: You can have my vote, I don't care WHO you are—if you can end daylight savings time. I’m like, DONE!!
Irish poetry scholar: “The thing about me is I know for a FACT that Fintan O’Toole is a bisexual.”
Female athlete, on leaving her belongings unattended: Yeah, I’m just a trust-y... uh... trusti— um... I trust people a lot.
Guy 1: My AAS preceptor is from Trinidad and—
Guy 2: What does he know about being African-American?
Chi Phi 1: I need a spitter.
Chi Phi 2: Spit on the ground dude, it’s East Asia.
Drunk bro, to Theta, wisely: Instagram likes aren’t everything, you know.
Journalism intern: You're a different person now.
Investment banking intern: I'm the same person. Just with more Excel shortcuts.
Romantic: The sole remaining balloon from Valentine's Day.
Optimist: And she's still flying, I'm so proud of her.
Romantic: Yea, I murdered all her sisters. I took scissors to them.
Anxious Professor:” This is good to know if you ever have a demonic encounter.”
Professor: I just don’t understand sexual foot fetishes. I mean, my wife has beautiful feet, but there are other parts that are more interesting.
Premed girl: I want to be a woman in 1900.
Roommate: You wouldn’t have even owned your own body. Your husband would have.
Premed girl: I wouldn’t have owned an orgo textbook either.
Terrace shaman: I organise the carbonated water in my fridge based on level of carbonation -- there’s obviously a difference between lightly carbonated, mid-carbonated, and highly carbonated water.
Jacob Gold: (awkwardly) "So...I thought you guys had alcohol at these things?"
Theta ‘09: Watch out for those SAE pledges tonight, because you’re going to have to make out with all of them.
Theta ‘12: Oh, okay!!!