AEPi sophomore, eagerly: I need to show you guys the cool new things I learned to do with my throat in Arabic class.
Amateur political theorist: It’s a triumph of the will every time I cross Washington Road.
Housewife: —because I’m the only person who tries to tell the truth like it is—
Husband (interrupting): Yes, but half the time you tell it wrong.
Pi Phi sophomore: Do you speak Slavic?
Junior male: No.
Pi Phi sophomore: Is Slavic even a language?
Junior male, laughing at her: Yes!
Pi Phi sophomore: Really? It doesn’t sound
CWR prof Colson Whitehead: I live two blocks from where I’m reading tonight. I can finish talking and totally be spankin’ it five minutes later. #metrics
Astonished Ivy member: The TI women's bathroom is a freaking help desk. No, more than that. I walk into a bunch of girls who are too drunk, and there's a whole chain of command in place to help them.
Fulbright Fellow: Last time I drank too much I went skinny dipping with a group of seventy-year-old men and vomited freshly slain sheep heart in my mouth.
Princeton History professor: I am generically attractive and play by the rules. How can this be happening to me?
Asian girl 1, sheepishly: So yeah, I’m in Woody Woo.
Asian girl 2: Oh, okay.
Asian girl 1, defensively: Yeah, everyone is in the department is really intense. [Pauses] I only applied because my roommate applied and she wanted emotional support.
Drunk guy: I think you're one of the most beautiful girls on campus. (thoughtful pause) Does that offend you?
Freshman girl, to Ivy sophomore: Why did you join Ivy?
Ivy sophomore, incredulously, to Ivy senior: She just asked me why I joined Ivy.
Shere Khan male: When I have my 21st birthday party, the whole street is going to be closed.
Former Fed Vice President: I don’t know the names of rappers be- sides...what’s his name? Beyoncé’s husband. And I heard there’s a guy named Kanye West or something.
Exasperated TA to fellow exasperated TA: Don’t say anything else, you’re gonna fucking confuse them!
Guy #1: Tomorrow is a brand new day.
Guy #2: Who said that originally?
Guy #2: I believe it was a container of bleach.