Man wearing jorts, opening empty microwave: Where’s our food?! It’s not in the microwave!? We were heating up NOTHING IN THE MICROWAVE?
Mother, to adult son: Phis-i-o-log:-ic-ally they have different bodies, guys and girls.
Grad student, on a Skype call: Shmeckel...shmeckel. Shmeckel. Shmeckel.
Monica Youn: Who did you think the speaker was?
Terrace senior: This might sound weirdly specific, but I thought it was either a female dentist or a yoga instructor.
Twenty-something female: And I’m like, I do not need to see your cervix. We’re not that close.
Philosophy major: Moms are a lot like 3D printers. . . . I heard that in a TED talk.
National Book Award Finalist: Why should I write when I could be watching soccer?
Student talking to another student of the class of 2024: “It looks like your hair has depopulated on your head since the last time I saw you.”
Pike Pledge: Dude, my penis is so small that the only chance I have for pleasuring a girl is to tell a good joke during sex.
Asian girl 1, sheepishly: So yeah, I’m in Woody Woo.
Asian girl 2: Oh, okay.
Asian girl 1, defensively: Yeah, everyone is in the department is really intense. [Pauses] I only applied because my roommate applied and she wanted emotional support.
Male dancer, dismissively: So I’d keep a dinosaur for like three years, then I’d let it die once it gets domesticated.
Overthinker: We were the problem.
Underthinker: No, because we were the majority.
Guy: Damn it, she's got a dude with her.
Girl: That guy is gay.
Guy: Gay like homosexual, or gay like retarded?
Religiously-raised lover nursing a gin and tonic: I once thought about God watching me masturbate and then I stopped believing in God.
Guy, finding out he’s been verbatimed: ”That’s the most terrifying thing I’ve ever heard in my life.”
Manic pixie dream girl: Everyone knew the code so it was basically unlocked. The code was 42069.