It has been brought to our attention that one of you, no need to mention who, has already lost his pledge pin. pledges, this is unacceptable. for this you will be raped as an example to the other pledges. as is customary, a few of us will convene to elect a team of 9 brothers that will systematically but ruthlessly run train on your brown ass. subsequently, you will be beaten with an extension chord [sic] at our discretion. i think it goes without saying that the ceremonies will conclude with the wearing of the persian eye
goggles, i.e. the resting of our scrotums over your eyes. if you have any questions, don't hesitate to go and fuck yourself.
Voicemail message: Thank you for your call. No one can
answer the phone right now because everyone is out fighting for social justice. Please leave your name and number and we will get back to you.
Senior SAE: I think Alan Blinder has Tourette's.
Junior Theta: Oh, really? Is he bickering? Because that would be hard to deal with.
Straight Girl: I think all these mishaps are God's way of telling me he is saving me for Prince William.
(Mostly) Straight Guy: God is saving Prince William for ME.
Straight Guy: ME!!!!!!!
Straight Guy: It's kind of crazy how hot he is.
Columbia student on Saturday night at Terrace: Upstairs, everything was weed. The ground was weed. The ceiling was weed. It was all weed.
Large undergraduate male, attempting to rationalize the title of Much Ado About Nothing: Victorian women had nothing between their legs, so the play really means much ado about vaginas.
Shrieking sophomore girl: I need to think about this, and I need to think about this HARD… *thinks* … I don’t think I should go for him.
Uninterested friend: I mean, doesn’t he have a girlfriend?
Bereft freshman: I’ve literally watched YouTube videos to try to help with pill swallowing techniques.
Professor, carrying on a conversation from the toilet: “The Quakers, really, have deep imperial ambitions.”
Nass editor: Lately I’ve been wanting to reconnect with the girl who fed me in preschool.
Intoxicated woman, talking on the phone in a bar courtyard: My cat is just amazing, she loves the sound of the human voice—I could be talking about global warming about whatever and she just loves it...she’s like some kind of Buddhist reincar- nation, like reincarnated to be with me.
Exasperating man, to new acquaintance: I just want to connect with you on Snapchat because I really value your perspective.
Classics major: For my Greek essay we have to take an insignificant passage from Medea and talk about its significance.
Dude on phone, snarling: I know it’s pronounced “How-ston,” I spent a fucking summer in New York.
Judaic Studies professor, commenting on ancient text: What can we tell from this character's name? (waits for response) Well, he was clearly a nice Jewish boy.
Girl to Alleged semi-Professional Hockey Player: They are out of beer, I have a single, let’s go.
Guy: Dammit, I just stepped on a coathanger. The fucker was trying to abort my foot!