Visiting linguistics professor, after cross-dressed cheerleaders from Triangle run into lecture hall: Ooh, I need to sit down now.
Prince Writer: Don't take it personally — I came out of the womb a bitch.
Junior master to freshman apprentice: Just touch his genitals. He will be your slave.
Pi Phi junior: I run to one song, and one song only. “Work, bitch,” by Britney Spears.
Girl: I think I’m the most basic girl at Princeton.
Guy: It’s Princeton. You’re not the most anything.
But I care about you
Ppl love fucking in the girls room
I’m sorry for everything that happened
Ivy upperclassman hugging
new member in tears: You
finally belong now! For the first
time, you finally belong now!
Student: I feel like these people should just, like, go to college and join a frat instead of flying off to join ISIS. Like, they just want to be part of something. So join something else, like, even the YMCA
Jewish Nass editor: *leans in and rests head on other Jewish Nass editor's shoulder*
You smell like a synagogue.
Guy 1: A Lehman Brothers t-shirt? You’re selling out as a freshman?
Guy 2: I came here to sell out.
Supreme Court justice, on being famous in public: I have to be careful at the beach now.
Lightweight rower: I bet if you asked him a question about credit default swaps, he would jizz his pants.
Philosophy major: Moms are a lot like 3D printers. . . . I heard that in a TED talk.
Girl on cell phone: And I was like "What were you thinking? You're in Ivy. Everyone in Ivy's gay." He didn't think that was too funny
Junior editor: This kid was illiterate and couldn’t function in society, but he was good at magic.
Very Old Man 1: You better go get your stuff, we're being displaced.
VOM 2: I feel like a Palestinian.
Girl, on matzah: I think the dining hall made a mistake and ordered too many of those really gross crackers...They’re like everywhere!
Sorority sister: I read a book a Japanese woman wrote that says you should only keep material goods that bring you pure joy...The green juice from Tico’s brings me pure joy.
Sophomore Presbysterian: Do you like gentile women?
Freshman Jew: No. My Mom says they are just for practice.
First-year: I am a tall, white man of privilege—they won’t hit me. I am the most expensive thing in the parking lot.
’11 alum in Moncler vest and Princeton baseball cap: It makes me livid how people who went to tertiary—no, septenary—schools appropriate our culture. Buying a Barbour jacket doesn’t negate the fact that you went to fucking James Madison University.
Mother, to adult son: Phis-i-o-log:-ic-ally they have different bodies, guys and girls.
Rick Curtis: If you see lightning and hear thunder, get into the lightning safety position.
RC: Coincidentally, this also happens to be my favorite troweling position.