Overheard in lecture:

Visiting linguistics professor, after cross-dressed cheerleaders from Triangle run into lecture hall: Ooh, I need to sit down now.

Overheard at Newark Airport

Prince Writer: Don't take it personally — I came out of the womb a bitch.

Overheard in Whitman

Junior master to freshman apprentice: Just touch his genitals. He will be your slave.

Overheard the Thursday before spring break:

Pi Phi junior: I run to one song, and one song only. “Work, bitch,” by Britney Spears.

Overheard outside Cuyler

Girl: I think I’m the most basic girl at Princeton.
Guy: It’s Princeton. You’re not the most anything.

Overheard on iMessage

Apes Sophomore:
But I care about you
Ppl love fucking in the girls room
I’m sorry for everything that happened

Overheard in Brown courtyard:

Ivy upperclassman hugging
new member in tears: You
finally belong now! For the first
time, you finally belong now!

Overheard in the slums

Student: I feel like these people should just, like, go to college and join a frat instead of flying off to join ISIS. Like, they just want to be part of something. So join something else, like, even the YMCA

Overheard in Frist

Jewish Nass editor: *leans in and rests head on other Jewish Nass editor's shoulder*
You smell like a synagogue.

Overheard in Holder courtyard

Guy 1: A Lehman Brothers t-shirt? You’re selling out as a freshman?
Guy 2: I came here to sell out.

Overheard at She Roars

Supreme Court justice, on being famous in public: I have to be careful at the beach now.

Overheard in Cloister

Lightweight rower: I bet if you asked him a question about credit default swaps, he would jizz his pants.

Overheard over coffee

Philosophy major: Moms are a lot like 3D printers. . . . I heard that in a TED talk.

Overheard in Henry

Girl on cell phone: And I was like "What were you thinking? You're in Ivy. Everyone in Ivy's gay." He didn't think that was too funny

Overheard in Firestone

Junior editor: This kid was illiterate and couldn’t function in society, but he was good at magic.

Overheard at 50th Reunion dinner while plates are bussed

Very Old Man 1: You better go get your stuff, we're being displaced.
VOM 2: I feel like a Palestinian.

Overheard outside Wilson

Guy: Well, I was partly raised at dinner parties.

Overheard at Yankee Doodle

Townie, pointing to a portrait of Michelle Obama: That’s Obama’s BITCH

Overheard in Rocky Dining Hall

Girl, on matzah: I think the dining hall made a mistake and ordered too many of those really gross crackers...They’re like everywhere!

Overheard in Cafe Viv

Sorority sister: I read a book a Japanese woman wrote that says you should only keep material goods that bring you pure joy...The green juice from Tico’s brings me pure joy.

Overheard in Rocky:

Sophomore Presbysterian: Do you like gentile women?
Freshman Jew: No. My Mom says they are just for practice.

Overheard behind Frist

First-year: I am a tall, white man of privilege—they won’t hit me. I am the most expensive thing in the parking lot.

Overheard in Washington, DC

’11 alum in Moncler vest and Princeton baseball cap: It makes me livid how people who went to tertiary—no, septenary—schools appropriate our culture. Buying a Barbour jacket doesn’t negate the fact that you went to fucking James Madison University.

Overheard on University Place

Mother, to adult son: Phis-i-o-log:-ic-ally they have different bodies, guys and girls.

Overheard at OA Training

Rick Curtis: If you see lightning and hear thunder, get into the lightning safety position.
[squats]
RC: Coincidentally, this also happens to be my favorite troweling position.