Freshman girl, making list of seniors to hook up with before graduation: This is SO stressful. They’re, like, LEAVING.
Tower senior, inquisitively: In a lineup of 50 dicks, would you recognize your own dick?
Speakeasy Attendee: I feel like a lot of people in Terrace resemble professional magic the gathering players I used to follow in high school.
Terran girl, to friend: Hey, how’s it goi-
Silly sophomore girl doing her Terrace offering: BLAH BLAH BLAH (giggles at how silly she’s being)
Friend: So her offering is to say ‘blah blah’ every time you talk?
Terran girl: Yeah-
Silly sophomore girl: BLAH BLAH BLAH (giggles more)
Friend: Do you wanna do some lines?
Terran girl: Sure.
Silly sophomore girl: (silence)
Distraught Bro: What do these people do with the parts of the chicken I actually want to eat?!
Guy 1: Maybe I should die tomorrow.
Guy 2: Listen, we're still recovering from Whitney.
Drunk guy: You’re too pretty to be a slut!
Less drunk girl: Your logic is flawed.
Student: But professor, according to your theor--
P. Adams Sitney: It’s not a theory! It’s random bullshit said with intensity!
250-lb. TI junior: No girl is safe from my non-sexual rage. Your vagina is safe, but your skeleton is not.
Guy, after he’s caught leering at Girl’s breasts: Uh, is that a Stan- ford sweatshirt?
Girl: (Wearing high school sweat- shirt.)
Grad student: I don’t get why no hot undergraduate twinks have hit on me. I thought twinks love daddies.
White girl: My friend lost her virginity to Mr. Brightside on repeat.
Shere Khan male, staring pensively at iTunes playlist entitled “Emo mix,” typing into search bar: “gym class heroes”
Same Shere Khan male, seconds later, typing into search bar: “dashboard confessional lyrics”
Theta sophomore: Did I tell you guys? [Redacted] called Psafe on an orgy this weekend.
Sister 1: Let’s do the cheer squat.
Sister 2: Are we duckfacing also?
Press Club senior, deciding what music to play: Is it time for some pre-Shabbat hadag nachash?
Former Nass EIC: No, I don’t want to be publicly Jewish right now.
Young journalist: I don’t know how I feel about a dick pic I don’t have an emotional connection with.