Overheard in Frist

Pi Phi, on phone: Oh, hello? Same Pi Phi: Oh...still ringing.

Overheard in Blair

St. A’s sophomore: I could honestly divide Ivy into people I would fuck or kill.

Overheard on iMessage

Terrace male, to Pi Phi female: You have an iron I can borrow by any chance? Mini fashion emergency.

Overheard in Pyne

Guy: Morning wood is the body's way of keeping you from peeing at night. When you piss the bed when you're drunk, it's because you have whiskey dick and can't get it up.

Overheard on Witherspoon Street

5-year-old: It's Barack Obama!
Mother: Honey, not every black man is Barack Obama. [To friend.] I guess I should expose her to more diversity.

Overheard on iMessage

Aimless senior: Should I do Teach for America?
Mom: Does that mean you have to be a teacher?

Overheard in Aaron Burr Hall

Professor who brought candy for his class: At this point in the semester, an IV of crack is a better idea.

Overheard in Prof. Feldherr’s “Classical Mythology” Lecture

If you haven’t read the readings for today, you can go to the texts and read all these pornographic descriptions of the drunken satyrs with their huge, perpetually-erect penises, masturbating and copulating with anything they can get their hands on: with trees, with deer, with nymphs, with anything in sight. That’s what satyrs did when they got together to hang out. They drank, they masturbated all over the place, they had sex with anything they could catch... and they played the flute. It’s a terrible combination.

Overheard in Ivy

Girl: Do you guys want to go to Ivy??

Overheard somewhere in South Carolina

Deposed EIC: Here’s an example of how worthless the boy scouts are not only does my brother actually have a cow badge (literally, a badge you get for learning about cows) but I just challenged him to a cow trivia contest, and it was a tie.

Overheard via iMessage

HGTV enthusiast: I wanna get drunk with the Property Brothers.

Overheard in Frist

Guy at a table with friends: Eisgruber is doing a great job. (all laugh)

Overheard at a Nass meeting

Disappointed frosh: I've always been sort of tenuously interested in astrology because I'm a Leo.

Overheard in a dining hall

Feminist: I enveloped him last night.

Overheard walking into “Magic of Numbers” midterm

Bro: Yo, I brought my TI-89 but it's total overkill. It's like shooting a bird with a fucking RPG.

Overheard in RoMa

Student in sophomore slump: These salad bowls give me anxiety.

Overheard at Bookstore

Columbia girl, on friend’s boyfriend: He’s a super cute midwestern guy and there’s nothing weird about him. It’s crazy.

Overheard in McCosh Courtyard

Grad student, on a Skype call: Shmeckel...shmeckel. Shmeckel. Shmeckel.

Overheard in Frist

Female athlete, on leaving her belongings unattended: Yeah, I’m just a trust-y... uh... trusti— um... I trust people a lot.

Overheard in Frist

Offended student: “I thought you were coming over here to hug me, not go to the bathroom!”

Overheard in CWR 302

Professor Paul Muldoon: The Holocaust is very much like the cronut in that respect.

Overheard outside Frist

Dude on phone, recounting weekend: Yeah, I was talking into a chicken tender, and dipped my phone in honey mustard.

Overheard in a JRN class

Nass editor: I have really good musk.

Overheard on the steps of Robertson

Shrieking sophomore girl: I need to think about this, and I need to think about this HARD… *thinks* … I don’t think I should go for him.
Uninterested friend: I mean, doesn’t he have a girlfriend?

11 

Overheard at the TI-Ivy Olympics

Guy: GPAs don't matter!
Girl: Yeah, GPAs don't matter!
Guy: You're really smart!
Girl: You're really smart, too!
Guy: Wait - what's your quintile?