Gay humanist junior: Wow, the professor literally just mansplained us the syllabus for 80 minutes.
Guy with newly acquired girlfriend: I feel more productive, you know. More relaxed, getting more work done.
Guy's friend: So getting down to business is good for business?
Guy: Stocks are UP when her pants are DOWN.
Delirious sophomore, after an all-nighter: To remind me of home, my mom sent me a plastic bloody limb.
David Remnick, wearing Nass sweatshirt, recounting story of interviewing a young man: "And then he asked me if I'd heard of the Nassau Weekly. I said, heard of it? I invented it!"
Frosh girl to her roommate: I feel like we've really bonded over shared trauma now
Nass freshman: I like myself because... I mean what is selfhood? I don’t know.
Machine Gun Kelly: Like they were like “You’re booked in Iowa,” and I’m like “Fucking Iowa, what?” But then it was sold out, and they had like, CO2 shooting from the ceiling during the performance, even the fat girls were hot there, it was nuts. Yeah, that was my shit.
Sleep-deprived frosh to other sleep-deprived frosh: Let's all put our serotonin in a pile and split it.
Disgruntled sophomore: “Leadership qualities” don’t exist. They were invented to keep Jews out of the Ivy League.
Lapsed Episcopalian Upper East Sider, eating her acai bowl: I spent last Easter at Sunday Funday.
Tour guide: So, about monastic life—
Joking-not-joking grad student: Think ‘graduate student.’
21-year-old woman watching Game of Thrones, with gravity: I would never wanna go to the wall.
Male Press Club Member 1: Dude, are those tights?
Male Press Club Member 2, indignant: It’s a thermal base layer!
Asshole: I’m going to be so fucking pissed if Murray-Dodge is closed because of this.
Girl: I've heard it's kind of weird
after you jerk off...you pee kinda
funny.
Boy: Oh yeah, that's because
there's extra residue of jizz in there
that's get sticky and clogged up
a bit, unless you've gotten completely
sucked off. Then the pipes
are clean.
[Uncomfortable pause]
Boy: Oh, I love my pipes clean!
Social justice warrior: Unfortunately, there’s no critical theory plug-in for Microsoft Word.
Girl: So, yeah apparently there's a castle in Scotland named after my family. I think it's even a pretty decent sized one.
Guy: Oh, cool. I wish I had a family castle.
Girl: Yeah, we have a plaid too, but it's heinous... but wouldn't it be awesome if it were the Burberry one? I mean, how cute is that!