Plaid-wearing senior: I don't like the furnishings in this room. The feng shui is fucked up.
Muggle 1: But I wouldn’t want to have powers all the time, right?
Muggle 2: Yeah!
Muggle 1: Because then people would, like, ask me to help them.
Terrace shaman: I organise the carbonated water in my fridge based on level of carbonation -- there’s obviously a difference between lightly carbonated, mid-carbonated, and highly carbonated water.
Ivy junior: I’m too chic for McKinsey...my sandals were custom-made in Saint Tropez.
Weight-conscious guy: [pointing at manboobs] Do you think that I could get tittyfucked?
Sorority biddy: Daddy it’s so hard to make connections here because 60% of people are on financial aid.
Delirious sophomore, after an all-nighter: To remind me of home, my mom sent me a plastic bloody limb.
Athlete 1: It's 4:28 AM. I set my alarm for 11:00.
Athlete 2: How many hours until 11:00?
Bubbly frosh girl, to boy: I like your beard!
Boy: I like how you don’t answer my snapchats...
Nass freshman: I like myself because... I mean what is selfhood? I don’t know.
Nass editor: You never read the Nass.
Ivy sophomore: That’s not true! I check Verbatim when I know I’m going to be in it.
SAE pledge, to other SAE pledge, sheepishly: Yo, I don’t mean this in a gay way, but if anal sex is like backwards pooping, that sounds kind of awesome.
WASP: My dad finally got a personal email. Now that it doesn’t have the CEO signature, I don’t even know if it’s him.
Girl 1: I don’t think he would be a good father.
Girl 2: Nor would he be a good husband. And when you wanted to have babies and you couldn’t conceive because he had done so many drugs in his youth and his sperm count was so low, I think it would put a real strain on the relationship.
Political reformer: New Jersey has high taxes and a culture of political corruption...To solve this, New Jersey should be dissolved as a state and the territory should be absorbed into neighboring states.
Freshman 1: My prom date’s dad is like, pretty famous.
Freshman 2: Wow. Imagine having a famous dad. Is your dad famous?
Freshman 1: He’s kinda famous. Yeah. He’s famous.
Freshman 2, awed: Wow.
Picture caption: The mother of womb-tingling hot dad and tiny baby pairings is the Thor star and his daughter, India. Just look at the way his massive forearms dwarf her body.
Sorority girl: I don’t know how she does it. She has a boyfriend and she doesn’t drink. Why is she in a sorority?
Manic pixie dream girl: Everyone knew the code so it was basically unlocked. The code was 42069.