Very large football player: This is a good apple. I usually don’t like apples unless my mom cuts ‘em up for me.
Girl: Do you know "Amazing Grace"?
Guy: Is that a Celine Dion song?
Girl #1: OMG, you should pull the anxiety card.
Girl #2: Well, of COURSE I already did.
Fulbright Fellow: Last time I drank too much I vomited all over the Killing Fields in Phnom Penh.
Germany-obsessed medievalist: I want to get high as a kite and watch Teletubbies.
Critical-theory post-modernist Turk: I feel like that show warrants something harder.
Suburban mom: My son said he wanted to get married. I said, "why the f would you do that?!" So he changed his mind and bought flying squirrels instead.
Terrace senior: When I wear sunglasses, I look like someone who beats homeless people for a living.
Professor: We're going to be engaging Heidegger from the rear. (pause) It's the best way to engage him.
Dangerously high male, to art major/significant other: You are so aesthetic but you have no utility.
Drunk girl: I worked from 10-5.
Drunk dude spitting incoherent game: Better than 10-8.
Senior KA 1: If I have a daughter she’s definitely going to have daddy issues.
Senior KA 2: If you have a daughter she will be my third or fourth wife.
Ivy junior: How could someone who has a job at Morgan Stanley be such a fucking idiot?!
Aspiring sex addict: "It would be hard to be an ugly sex addict. Do you think I'm attractive enough to be a sex addict?
Senior physics major to sophomore girl: Physics is to math like sex is to masturbation. Do you wanna date?