Freshman 1: My prom date’s dad is like, pretty famous.
Freshman 2: Wow. Imagine having a famous dad. Is your dad famous?
Freshman 1: He’s kinda famous. Yeah. He’s famous.
Freshman 2, awed: Wow.
Girl: You accidentally sent a love poem to your sister?
Boy, defensively: There wasn’t that much sex in it.
International Student: I can't wait to get an American passport so I can apply to be on Survivor.
Southern belle: I realized his silver pattern would have looked horrible with mine—that’s how I got closure.
Sensitive, pallid male, excitedly: He sent us a link to all of Ulysses as an audiobook! Now I can listen to it at the gym.
Guy on iPhone: Yeah, they took my ID. Oh well. At least I have a new reason to hate America.
Girl talking about ecstasy: I would be careful about that stuff...
Guy, shrugging: So I die...
Freshman playing never-have-I-ever: Never have I ever called someone bestie during sex.
Pyne Prize winner: Bunghole means butt...[snickers].
Professor: I KNOW THAT. I’m telling you what it ACTUALLY means.
Matthew Dickman: How many people here like to do drugs? Anyone? No one?
Chang-Rae Lee: *raises hand*
Girl 1: I haven’t been in this stall since pickups last year when I was making out with a sophomore boy.
Girl 2: That happens to us all.
Theta junior: We need to take a moment to talk about Timothée Chalamet – he's so hot!
Theta soph: Wait, let me tigerbook him.
Deep-voiced man to woman, matter-of-fact-ly: Did you know the Tory has an advice column called 'Ask Anselm?'
Stylish young woman, wearing a hat, to man: Get away! You’re looking at me like I’m a piece of meat, but I am a QUEEN.
Editor-in-Chief: Until I put two and two together and realized how many emails from Jay Williamson I had in my inbox, I'd forgotten who our USG President was.
Publisher: Don't you mean Alex Lenahan?
Misguided Optimist on the Phili Flyer's Mascot: How dare you compare Gritty to Satanism. Gritty is all that is good in the world!
Dude 1: This is the smoothest vape around.
Dude 2: That's like the worst sentence I've ever heard.
Vengeful Junior: I have decided to spend my tax return on Ubers from now on.