Guy with newly acquired girlfriend: I feel more productive, you know. More relaxed, getting more work done.
Guy's friend: So getting down to business is good for business?
Guy: Stocks are UP when her pants are DOWN.
Sophomore Pi Phi: After working on a problem set with two bros, I had to join Princeton Students for Gender Equality.
Guy: I never accept friend requests from Asians.
Girl: Why?
Guy: Well, you know, if you give a mouse a cookie...
Professor Corngold: Hazlitt said that no young man thinks he will ever die... well, we’ll see.
Princeton Student:
Billy Joel tried to get into my yacht club, but he got turned down the first time.
Girl at front desk, loudly: My grandma was like, “You’re next” and I was like, “Sure. Keep waiting, Grandma. Not happening.”
Chi Phi 1: I need a spitter.
Chi Phi 2: Spit on the ground dude, it’s East Asia.
Nass Freshman: There was this kid last year who wrote his thesis in a week.
Freshman Theta prospect: How long does it usually take?
Exasperated Pi Phi junior, on Fashion Speaks: I might fail my midterms but at least 4 girls will be wearing silky halter tops.
Knowledgeable freshman to confused freshman: No, it’s like a party you go to before the party, like a pre-party.
Ivy junior: How could someone who has a job at Morgan Stanley be such a fucking idiot?!
Supreme Court justice, Sonia Sotomayor: And that’s how I got to Princeton... I got fooled.
Desperately lonely boy: The president of the Stanford Chess Club is smoking hot. You can play her live on Facebook right now. Should I?
Art history major: I really haven’t given Cardi B a chance except for “Kodak Yellow.”
Junior English major with man bun: I’m just looking for intellectual fulfillment.
Math bro: There’s a really cool undergraduate math colloquium tomorrow... but it’s at the same time as the Goldman quant info session. I’m being tested.
Woke Bridge Year Senior: This shirt is kinda appropriative but I'm out of clean laundry.
Girl 1: (from a distance) Hey, wait for me!
Sophomore Theta: (fists raised) RAGE. RAGE, RAGE, RAGE.
Former Terran, to alt Ivy alum: Freshman year, you had the cool friends — but now the tables have turned.
Master manipulator: Each grade I would choose a different personality and make different friends just to see how different scenarios would play out. I remember in third grade I was evil.
Preppy architecture major: "So, are you interested in the architecture of—”
Tired classmate: "Dude, I'm just trying to build some things."
Frosh girl: he straight up asked for a threesome and I was like wtf do you think I am??? Amazon?!?????