Terrace male, to Pi Phi female: You have an iron I can borrow by any chance? Mini fashion emergency.
Guy: Morning wood is the body's way of keeping you from peeing at night. When you piss the bed when you're drunk, it's because you have whiskey dick and can't get it up.
5-year-old: It's Barack Obama!
Mother: Honey, not every black man is Barack Obama. [To friend.] I guess I should expose her to more diversity.
Aimless senior: Should I do Teach for America?
Mom: Does that mean you have to be a teacher?
Professor who brought candy for his class: At this point in the semester, an IV of crack is a better idea.
If you haven’t read the readings for today, you can go to the texts and read all these pornographic descriptions of the drunken satyrs with their huge, perpetually-erect penises, masturbating and copulating with anything they can get their hands on: with trees, with deer, with nymphs, with anything in sight. That’s what satyrs did when they got together to hang out. They drank, they masturbated all over the place, they had sex with anything they could catch... and they played the flute. It’s a terrible combination.
Deposed EIC: Here’s an example of how worthless the boy scouts are not only does my brother actually have a cow badge (literally, a badge you get for learning about cows) but I just challenged him to a cow trivia contest, and it was a tie.
Disappointed frosh: I've always been sort of tenuously interested in astrology because I'm a Leo.
Bro: Yo, I brought my TI-89 but it's total overkill. It's like shooting a bird with a fucking RPG.
Columbia girl, on friend’s boyfriend: He’s a super cute midwestern guy and there’s nothing weird about him. It’s crazy.
Grad student, on a Skype call: Shmeckel...shmeckel. Shmeckel. Shmeckel.
Female athlete, on leaving her belongings unattended: Yeah, I’m just a trust-y... uh... trusti— um... I trust people a lot.
Offended student: “I thought you were coming over here to hug me, not go to the bathroom!”
Professor Paul Muldoon: The Holocaust is very much like the cronut in that respect.
Dude on phone, recounting weekend: Yeah, I was talking into a chicken tender, and dipped my phone in honey mustard.
Shrieking sophomore girl: I need to think about this, and I need to think about this HARD… *thinks* … I don’t think I should go for him.
Uninterested friend: I mean, doesn’t he have a girlfriend?
Guy: GPAs don't matter!
Girl: Yeah, GPAs don't matter!
Guy: You're really smart!
Girl: You're really smart, too!
Guy: Wait - what's your quintile?