What? Sex makes you fat? Well then it’s a good thing I’m not having sex, because I’ve already gained seven pounds this year.
Student 1, jokingly: I’m only here to waste time.
Student 2: Well, you’re doing a great job.
Amateur political theorist: It’s a triumph of the will every time I cross Washington Road.
Premed girl: I want to be a woman in 1900.
Roommate: You wouldn’t have even owned your own body. Your husband would have.
Premed girl: I wouldn’t have owned an orgo textbook either.
Vegan hipster: Yo, what if they made tofu-flavored cigarattes? How sick would that be?
Sophomore Presbysterian: Do you like gentile women?
Freshman Jew: No. My Mom says they are just for practice.
Male student: I just realized that when I tell a female friend i want to have a threesome with her and her boyfriend, what I really mean is I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Terran #1: Can I borrow your phone?
Terran #2: Naw dog my pants are too tight.
Nass senior: Part of me was like, “What if I’m human trafficked?” but then the other part of me was like, “What if it’s a birthday present?”
Dude: You all right, man?
Cousin: My stomach... it feels like... there’s meals inside.
Econ major: My first hookup wasn’t a virgin and I was terrified.
Same econ bro, later: She was from Paraguay.
Annoyed Jewish man: Wow, you’re such an ally to the global south.
Leggy Intellectual: I am so not an American; it's taken me a long time to relate to people like Neil Young.
I am African American. I realize I probably look white and Jewish to most of you... There was some fooling around back there in the slave age.
Senior English major: Ever since my mom rediscovered weed in her midlife crisis, our vacations have improved dramatically.
Ivy junior: Why is the ALTA committee all Jews?
Ivy bro: It was originally going to be the Ashkenazi Life Total Assessment.
Manspreading, overconfident Ivy bickeree: It's not really manspreading unless your pants rip.
Guy 1: Oh man! We're so winning this election! Look, even black people are marching around with Bush/Cheney signs.
Guy 2: Yeah, because they probably can't read them.
Nass socialite, enjoying peppermint patty: Mint doesn’t feel like a calorie.
Guy 1: So I ran into an ex-girlfriend of mine from high school.
Guy 2: We should take her to Paris [implying an Eiffel Tower].
Guy 1: Paris? I wish...I never even got to visit the Grand Tetons...or in her case, the Petit Tetons.