Daily Princetonian Opinion Editor: Marcia, I can't possibly get a job at a news organization.
Maintenance worker, to fellow worker: Forget the Street. These kids are animals. They’re beasts. They’re just products of their environment.
Young Woman: Take off that turtleneck, hot stuff.
Young Man: Anything you say, baby.
Young Woman: Why're you wearing a second turtleneck underneath your turtleneck?
Young Man: Have you lost interest yet?
Virgin, on mysterious item in box: It smells like the lubricant we used to lubricate our rifles with in high school.
Other virgin: Just your rifles???
Girl: How the fuck did my boyfriend get a beer-gut?
Guy: You used to like partying with me, Julie!
Vegan hipster: Yo, what if they made tofu-flavored cigarattes? How sick would that be?
Band member, instructing other members of the band on how to play: Just do whatever you feel like doing.
Homesick New England soph: If Tom Brady retires before I graduate I'm dropping out.
Disgraced (former) Nass Business Manager: Do you think a horse would even feel a human’s dick inside it?
Senior Guy: Freshman girls used to be easy, but now they all, like, have boyfriends.
Junior Guy: Yeah, that's why I'm trying a new approach: I'm going after only pregnant women. Think about it--you KNOW those chicks put out. It's like sex evidence.
Princeton Economics Professor Harvey Rosen: Capitalism without losses is like Christianity without Hell.
President George W. Bush: Harvey, stick to economics.
One colony bro, to another, while constructing some sort of sculpture of bamboo rods:
Dude, they’re totally gonna jizz when they see this.
Guy 1: She was givinʼ me lip, so I returned the favor by pissing on her face.
Guy 2: For real dog, thatʼs what you gotta do.
Guy 1: I had to go anyways, so it was really two birds and a stone.
Sophomore girl: this is going to sound really stupid, but how do you spell “Terrace”?
Senior, on first kisses: I think I kissed my Dominican babysitter when I was 7... She was like, 15 though, so it was cool. Her name was Domatila.
Senior TI woman: Does anyone have a suggestion for a way to check for plagiarism in your writing?
Grad student, on a Skype call: Shmeckel...shmeckel. Shmeckel. Shmeckel.
Theta senior: I swear to God that I did not ctrl-f “dumpster”; I’ll admit that I did Google “dumpster sluts.”
Jewish journalist: That’s why the Prince is bad, there are no Jews in it. Gentiles all!
Exasperated TA to fellow exasperated TA: Don’t say anything else, you’re gonna fucking confuse them!
Publisher 2: Are there any snack foods I haven't eaten yet?
Guy 1: Do you want to commit to a hate crime?
Confused kid: Wait . . . do I want to do what?
Guy 1 (louder): Do you want to commit a hate crime?
Confused kid (earnestly): Do I want to cut your hair?