Overheard in Frist before a Nass meeting

Plaid-wearing senior: I don't like the furnishings in this room. The feng shui is fucked up.

Overheard in Pyne:

Muggle 1: But I wouldn’t want to have powers all the time, right?
Muggle 2: Yeah!
Muggle 1: Because then people would, like, ask me to help them.

Overheard at Terrace

Terrace shaman: I organise the carbonated water in my fridge based on level of carbonation -- there’s obviously a difference between lightly carbonated, mid-carbonated, and highly carbonated water.

Overheard at networking session

Ivy junior: I’m too chic for McKinsey...my sandals were custom-made in Saint Tropez.

Overheard in Spelman

Weight-conscious guy: [pointing at manboobs] Do you think that I could get tittyfucked?

Overheard in Frist:

Sorority biddy: Daddy it’s so hard to make connections here because 60% of people are on financial aid.

Overheard at 5 a.m.

Delirious sophomore, after an all-nighter: To remind me of home, my mom sent me a plastic bloody limb.

Overheard on Facebook

Nass editor’s first-ever kiss: just got back from jail.

Overheard on AutoCorrect

Texter: Hey, have you seen my rectum?

Overheard at postgame

Athlete 1: It's 4:28 AM. I set my alarm for 11:00.
Athlete 2: How many hours until 11:00?

Overheard in Wu

Bubbly frosh girl, to boy: I like your beard!
Boy: I like how you don’t answer my snapchats...

Overheard Writing Sem

PHS Alum: After looking through Tumblr, which is my primary source.

Overheard at Nass meeting

Nass freshman: I like myself because... I mean what is selfhood? I don’t know.

Overheard via iMessage

Nass editor: You never read the Nass.
Ivy sophomore: That’s not true! I check Verbatim when I know I’m going to be in it.

Overheard at SAE Pregame:

SAE pledge, to other SAE pledge, sheepishly: Yo, I don’t mean this in a gay way, but if anal sex is like backwards pooping, that sounds kind of awesome.

Overheard outside Frist

WASP: My dad finally got a personal email. Now that it doesn’t have the CEO signature, I don’t even know if it’s him.

Overheard in Frist

Girl 1: I don’t think he would be a good father.
Girl 2: Nor would he be a good husband. And when you wanted to have babies and you couldn’t conceive because he had done so many drugs in his youth and his sperm count was so low, I think it would put a real strain on the relationship.

Overheard in the Nass inbox

Political reformer: New Jersey has high taxes and a culture of political corruption...To solve this, New Jersey should be dissolved as a state and the territory should be absorbed into neighboring states.

Overheard in creative writing registration line

Freshman 1: My prom date’s dad is like, pretty famous.
Freshman 2: Wow. Imagine having a famous dad. Is your dad famous?
Freshman 1: He’s kinda famous. Yeah. He’s famous.
Freshman 2, awed: Wow.

Overheard on cosmopolitan.com

Picture caption: The mother of womb-tingling hot dad and tiny baby pairings is the Thor star and his daughter, India. Just look at the way his massive forearms dwarf her body.

Overheard in Studio 34:

Sorority girl: I don’t know how she does it. She has a boyfriend and she doesn’t drink. Why is she in a sorority?

Overheard in TI

Junior: If you don’t sin, Jesus died for nothing.

Overheard in Terrace

Manic pixie dream girl: Everyone knew the code so it was basically unlocked. The code was 42069.

Overheard in Maine

Dashing youth, on Kafka: He died young, so he never got ugly.

Overheard in the CJL

Belligerent PhD candidate, to woman with crutches: What happened?! You were totally normal when you were sitting down!