Older man, authoritatively pointing at East Pyne, as if giving campus tour: And this is the Hershey building.
Girl with British accent, on what she does for breakfast:
I inhale a Greek yogurt and smash a banana in my face.
Orthodox sophomore girl, receiving help on COS homework: You don’t have to help me with this.
Orthodox sophomore boy: No, I really enjoy watching you.
Egregious douchebag grabbing bike and slamming it to the ground: Yeah! That's how I roll!
Ivy aesthete, to Nass editor: You asked me to expand on Duchamp’s life and I was like, this is trite.
Senior male: The best thing I learned in Berlin was how to test the quality of cocaine.
Instagram caption: Irish car bombs with my preschool teacher!! Life comes full circle
White girl: oh ow I’m so sunburned
Black guy: well in a way it’s kind of like reparations
Woman: Why did he just say “I’m not trying to be sketchy?”
Other woman: Because he want- ed me to buy his coke for $10.
Girl, in line for the bathroom: I’m hanging out with Sigmas and they don’t understand my life. Like, I can order a Bloody Mary whenever I want.
Sophomore Pi Phi 1: Hey, [name redacted], are your extensions made of human hair?
Sophomore Pi Phi 2: Yeah, it comes from India. They think they’re donating to God but really they’re just donating to Princess [name redacted].
Penn girl, screaming on phone: Why? Why are you at the hospital? Why were you sent there?
Cookie Enthusiast: I think I would kill everyone here if it meant I would receive the freshest cookies.
Things that come back to life on Easter: Jesus and puwireless.
Sophomore Pi Phi 1: I wish the haters would stop hating.
Sophomore Pi Phi 2: Yeah, isn't the Pi Phi average GPA like a 3.5?
Sophomore Pi Phi 1: Yeah. We're totally smarter than all those Colonial haters.
Senior: This music makes me sad.
Chef: It’s Cajun Night. It’s supposed to be sad.
Tower member, proudly: I can say confidently that it was the worst sex she will have in her entire life.