Sexually frustrated student: Is it wrong to be sexually attracted to your own bitmoji?
Girl: One time this guy asked me out and I was like, “you’re my cousin,” and he was like, “no, we’re not related” and he got really offended.
Theta 1: Do you have a seersucker dress I can borrow?
Theta 2, nostalgically: My
Christian horseback-riding summer camp used to sell seersucker pajamas
Senior girl, reflecting on Kant: The next time I'm making out with someone on the street, I'm going to ask them, excuse me, do you see me as a means or an end?
Drunk swimmer: I went to all the eating clubs tonight: Cloister, Ivy, Charter, Cannon, Cottage, Frist, TI, Cap ...
Guy: Look, you gave me mono. My spleen is enlarged. (Pokes at something)
Girl: That's my nipple, not your spleen.
Humanities student: Is a rock really a rock or a fragment of our understanding of a rock?
Random Guy (in response to Foss' repeated attempts to get him to chug his Heineken): Is that kid gay or retarded?
Alexander Hamilton (on what it would be like if Thomas Jefferson became president):
Murder, robbery, rape, adultery, and incest will be openly taught and practiced, the air will be rent with the cries of the distressed, the soil will be soaked with blood, and the nation black with crimes.
Sophomore Pi Phi: I’m like...really scared of ISIS.
Sassy baker: The best way to address fear is to join the enemy.
Stoned Frenchman, eating a sandwich: Oh my god I just had a revelation about Kant.
Ivy senior: In my experience, when you have something great and beautiful...you don’t.
Theta ‘09: Watch out for those SAE pledges tonight, because you’re going to have to make out with all of them.
Theta ‘12: Oh, okay!!!
Sophomore girl: You know who I see everywhere? The Nass guy with the short shorts and the long socks.