1. Comment-no-like on my latest Insta
  2. Many pets
  3. Manly pets
  4. Manly parts
  5. A dark-haired pet I didn’t account for when selecting my all-white clothing palette for the year
  6. Not putting on “The Sign” by Ace of Base at a pregame in the room when I explicitly asked for it and know it would be the exact right thing to turn this themed pregame around
  7. I came home and there was blood in the sink
  8. I came home and there was ink in the sink
  9. I came home and there was no sink
  10. Sexiling me on a full moon
  11. Sexiling me at any time related to my moon sign
  12. Sexiling me to hook up with someone not compatible with my moon sign
  13. Sexiling me to hook up with someone not compatible with his moon sign
  14. Dressing as Harambe for Halloween
  15. Sighing a little too heavily
  16. Keeping up with the Kardasians a little too well
  17. His “replica” of The Declaration of Independence hanging on the wall looks a little too real
  18. Being Zach Cohen
  19. Looking better than me in anything
  20. Being better than me at anything
  21. Suggesting my competitiveness is unhealthy
  22. Walking into the room while I’m on the phone with my therapist
  23. Eavesdropping on my conversation with my therapist
  24. Confronting me for shit-talking my roommates with my therapist
  25. Refusing to sell me Adderall
  26. Held a pregame and didn’t invite me
  27. I found out he was originally Class of 1917 and had died in there and was literally haunting me
  28. Trying to annul the marriage I hypnotized him into
  29. Leaving our entire room under a thin blanket of protein powder
  30. Taking an Uber from TI to Ivy
  31. Peeing on me while I was asleep
  32. Starting a cult called Los Hermanos de los Espárragos Frecuentado
  33. Not joining my rival cult with the same name but more S&M
  34. The divorce
  35. Asserting her masculinity
  36. Wishing me a Shabbat Shalom on a Wednesday
  37. Wishing me a Shabbat Shalom on Shabbat
  38. Leaving “The Case for Christ” on my pillow
  39. Wore my Nirvana t-shirt without permission
  40. Reminded me that I own a Nirvana t-shirt
  41. I need the room tonight
  42. I need a womb tonight
  43. Narcissism (hers)
  44. Narcissism (mine)
  45. I am aroused in her presence and don’t know how to handle myself
  46. “I’m a poet”
  47. “I’m a libertarian”
  48. “I’m a free thinker”
  49. Setting an alarm for 6:00 and letting it ring for half an hour
  50. Starting the day with silent masturbation as alarm continues to ring
  51. Our bedspreads clash, which wasn’t an issue before, but now that everything is falling apart I just need a little order in my life, and is that too much to ask for after everything I’ve been through?
  52. Drinking my alcohol when I’m out
  53. Drinking my alcohol when I’m in
  54. Starting the day by brazenly drinking my alcohol in front of me, as alarm continues to ring.
  55. Being a fuck
  56. Fucking a being
  57. “Please remove me from the listserv thank you”
  58. “…just called to talk, I don’t have a roommate”
  59. Setting the thermostat to 50 degrees
  60. Setting the thermostat to 90 degrees
  61. Hiding yesterday’s Late Meal in my sock drawer
  62. Hiding her collection of crushed beetles in my sock drawer
  63. Hiding in my sock drawer
  64. Sleep-talking in multiple foreign languages
  65. Sleepwalking over to my side of the room and just standing there.
  66. Awkward eye contact
  67. Contributing actively and/or passively to heteronormative culture
  68. Contributing actively and/or passively to gender-normative culture
  69. Contributing actively in precept
  70. Contributing more actively than me in precept
  71. Having parents who’ll visit for parents’ weekend
  72. Having parents who steal my allergy medication and still sneeze
    without covering their orifices
  73. Having parents
  74. Shitting the bed (figuratively)
  75. Ibid. (literally)
  76. Oriental rugs
  77. Orientalist rugs
  78. I am heavy with child and will need the extra room in 9 months
  79. You put a used condom on my bed
  80. Broke a pinky promise

Do you enjoy reading the Nass?

Please consider donating a small amount to help support independent journalism at Princeton and whitelist our site.