Frustrated middle-aged man: You can have my vote, I don't care WHO you are—if you can end daylight savings time. I’m like, DONE!!
Prince Writer: Don't take it personally — I came out of the womb a bitch.
Princeton alum, talking about how the world probably ended in 2012: Yeah, so everything post Harambe has been total nonsense.
Woman, to roommate: It's not that I hate your pants. It's that I think you have a shopping addiction.
Sleep-deprived frosh to other sleep-deprived frosh: Let's all put our serotonin in a pile and split it.