Verbatim

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Overheard in Terrace

Sophomore guy: No, no, I’m not steampunk, I’m just bouncing off of steampunk.

Overheard at Bank Street

Cap dude: Yeah, two people in my fraternity have lost their fingers.

Overheard in Georgetown

Young woman: What’re you gonna get at AllSaints?
Young man: A blowjob.

Overheard in Pyne

Ivy senior sadboi, at 1 a.m. after Sunday Funday: That’s how I feel about sadness—I’m really addicted to it but I don’t like it.

Overheard at a wedding

Twenty-something female: And I’m like, I do not need to see your cervix. We’re not that close.

Overheard in Wilf

Nass EIC: This hummus is godly.
Observant Jew: The Nass is not the Messiah.

Overheard on party bus

Low-key humanitarian, high-key drunk: I went on one of those community service trips to Jamaica in college, but our driver hit a house, so we ended up rebuilding that one instead.

Overheard in an elevator

Drunk girl in sequins: Only cool people allowed. Only people who like Lean Cuisine.

Overheard in Club Monaco

Sophomore Theta with a fiber stomachache: I just love legumes, but I literally couldn’t even go to Olives anymore if I stopped eating them. I only eat legumes there.

Overheard in Rocky

Large bearded man: You can’t be nervous in this world with an 18-inch cock.