Verbatim

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Overheard on New York subway

Mid-thirties male playing with fidget spinner, to envious young child: One day, kid, one day.

Overheard in a wealthy suburb

Mother: Sam is going to have a birthday party next week, by the way.
Dad: Wasn’t Sam’s birthday last month?
Mother: No, that was his Earth Day awareness party.

Overheard at beach week

Man: The labia minora isn’t always perfectly symmetrical? Is that a Jewish thing?

Overheard at 5 a.m.

Delirious sophomore, after an all-nighter: To remind me of home, my mom sent me a plastic bloody limb.

Overheard in NYMag

New Yorker staffer: Princeton is not in vogue at The New Yorker anymore.

Overheard in San Francisco

Boarding school teen, screaming: WHY IS IT THAT EVERY TIME I HAVE A FEMALE FRIEND YOU ACCUSE ME OF BEING A LESBIAN?!!?

Overheard at ramen

Senior guy: I heard these two girls that, based on their voices, were in TI planning their senior trip to Thailand. It was awful.

Overheard in Holder

Germany-obsessed medievalist: I want to get high as a kite and watch Teletubbies.
Critical-theory post-modernist Turk: I feel like that show warrants something harder.

Overheard in Wucox

Shanghai soph about dispute with senior: I'm low key glad he's eating shit cuz his family's KMT.

Overheard on Poe Field

Wholesome sophomore laying on checkered blanket, as man in floral print and beads staggers away: OH! He's coming from Sunday Funday. I thought he was just playing Pokémon Go!