Don’t Forget to Call Your Mom

April 9, 2016

What Does a Good Girl Look Like

Women, more than men, feel compelled to meet superhuman standards.

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Rebuilding

After the flood, a reflection on a healing state.

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That Precept Kid Reviews Some Albums

Piggybacking off of your cultural criticism

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When Tigerhub Goes Down

The twenty-one hours to himself during the day aren’t so bad, but the three hours at night are paralyzing. He always tells himself, in the midst of particularly productive days, that he’ll be able to finally start doing things during the night, but when the time comes he’s scared of going out.

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Julia

The first text I sent you said “love me.” I had met you once, and sent it from your roommate’s phone. You were too cool to play it cool.

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Peer Review

Since the beginning of time, editors at The Nassau Weekly have taken their pens to each other’s Common Application Essays. And yes, The Nassau Weekly has been around since the beginning of time.

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103 Things to Do as a Prefrosh

The Nass compiled the definitive list of necessary prefrosh experiences

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How To Write an Academic Paper

No one is too busy to not have time to think about how they are lonely

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Geography Lesson

If the Atlantic Ocean has seen my breasts, held them for an evening in the dark, full night, did he tell anyone? If sky observed, unfurled her firmaments? If the arc of my neck meant anything [to him], cradled in … Read More

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Lost in the Oligarchy

While for some students, the middle of junior year marks the beginning (or a continuation) of a cushy and well-heeled existence, for others it is the moment when downward mobility becomes a reality.

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Poem for Tim Faust, who said that poems shouldn’t be about flowers

This poem not about flowers just goes to show how far we’ve come since the days when people could practically not think without a daffodil, when in poetry a rose was not yet just a rose but always stood for … Read More

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Verbatim

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Overheard in Frist

Frosh aesthete boy: We were going to go to a thrift store to get themed clothing for Sunday Funday but we decided not to...
FAB’s friend: Where is there even a thrift store in Princeton?
FAB: Well, we were gonna go to Target. Same diff.

Overheard on iMessage

Senior male: Fuck I misgendered [department representative]’s dog.

Overheard in Frist

V proper Junior theta: I’m gonna be so done after Dean’s Date. I’m gonna, like, shoot acid.

Overheard on groupchat

Senior TI woman: Does anyone have a suggestion for a way to check for plagiarism in your writing?

Overheard on iMessage

Lonely frosh, on Preview: Can guys host girls?

Overheard in Frist

Frosh girl: What should I wear tonight that’s, like, fun and slutty?
Frosh boy: Wait, is the theme slutty?
Frosh girl: No...that’s just my personal theme.

Overheard Writing Sem

PHS Alum: After looking through Tumblr, which is my primary source.

Overheard in Firestone

Progressive: I’ve come to self-identify as a U-Store whore.

Overheard in Frist

TI President Emeritus: Fuck, I forgot a fork.
TI President Elect: Hands are just big fleshy forks.

Overheard in Forbes

Upper West Side progressive frosh: My mom got me a black baby doll when I was little so I wouldn’t be afraid of black people. Well, there you go...I’m not afraid of black people!

Overheard in Terrace

Junior scholar: I have an interesting fact; 90% sure it’s true.

Overheard at TI

Blonde SAE: My first words were “dad is at work” in Swedish.

Overheard at Dinner

Terrace Junior, on prescription painkillers: You know, cozy pills.

Overheard in Linguistics lecture

Confused auditor to student, quietly: Wait, what does it mean? Bae?

Overheard in Palmer Square

Mother to her 5-year-old daughter eating ice cream: It’s really time for you to face the facts.

Overheard on campus

Jewish Day School alum: All my friends are either at the AIPAC Conference or the Hillel Basketball tournament right now.

Overheard while talking shit

Terrace senior: I’m showing up to the pregame fleek as hell. I absorbed [redacted] in the womb.

Overheard in Whitman

Bro to bro: Dude, this has been a socially awkward week.