Too Eye I Two

December 6, 2013


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Overheard after State Night

Drunk Kappa sophomore: I’m not drunk, I’m gentrified. I’m so gentrified. I should manage a Whole Foods.

Overheard in Mathey dining hall

Pi Phi sophomore: My goal for tomorrow morning is to walk-of-shame to my 9am class.

Overheard in Charter sophomore email

Plagiarist: Food is love.

Overheard in Terrace

Freshman 1: She wants me!
Freshman 2: Go find her!
Freshman 1: No.

Overheard on a bus to Boston

Club lacrosse player: I honestly forgot we had a theater department.

Overheard in Tower

Possible sociopath, regarding last night’s conquest: It was cute. We watched “Rosemary’s Baby” first. It’s that satanic rape scene. Gets them juices flowing every time.

Overheard at Cannon

Bro at urinal, to other bro: I like using the kiddie urinal, because I have a tiny dick.

Overheard in COM 300

Comparative literature major: Is the point of a piece of fiction...its own existence?

Overheard on course evaluation for PHI

Member of class of 2012: As a senior I can easily say that this is the deepest class I have taken here. It gives a voice to inchoate anxieties that are universal and standardly avoided by anti-mystics. That voice is commanding and never contrite. It is easy to blinker the significance of Death as a student. This class sheds light on that dark corner of the human condition and arms you with brilliant argument.

Overheard in Frist

Group of face-painted men vaulting down the stairs: “Chaste. It’s pronounced ‘chAEste,’ not ‘chAHst.’ Chaste, chaste,

Overheard at a Disiac show

Dude, screaming at stage: Where is my brown swan? Is that my brown swan? It’s my brown swan!

Overheard in the CJL

Student, to visitors, gesturing grandly at driveway: I know the area intimately.

Overheard at the U-Store

Man wearing jorts, opening empty microwave: Where’s our food?! It’s not in the microwave!? We were heating up NOTHING IN THE MICROWAVE?

Overheard in Brooklyn

Unsuccessful suitor, to desired: Let’s smoke a plant and get real.

Overheard in a USG meeting

Senator 1: Why can’t we just start early?
Senator 2: Because we’re waiting for the public to show up.
Entire USG: [laugher]

Overheard in Whole Foods

Woman, running after children: Shaughnessy! Hanson!!

Overheard outside Henry

Girl: I didn’t suck any dick this whooooole week. It was great.

Overheard in Frist

Pi Phi sophomore: She looks so inbred, doesn’t she?