Voted blue: I apologize for the dissonance in our humour cognition.
Voted red: I’m not even going to bother looking up dissonance.
English-major: It’s called a joke with alliteration.
ESL: It did not land in our lands.
Angsty and topical: I would hook up with a ghost. You could see through their bullshit.
Grad student who’s too into Tinder: You should always be with the one you’re eye-fucking.
Softie, drenched in their own spit: I can't believe he actually thought I was crying in the corner and never apologized and on top of that made fun of my country’s potassium production.
Renaissance man, lover of women, loved by many, feared by few, appreciated by all, hunk: A woman is like a bathtub. Drip, drip, splash.
Follows their own religion: I think the dinosaurs are waiting for us in the afterlife
Ex-communist: The way of making it in the Soviet Union was better.
American beauty: I hear that like seventy times a day.
Ex-communist: In the Soviet Union, we’re not rude to each other.
BMX-er: I think you have a future in degenerate gambling.
Consulting interviewer: Are you vegetarian?
Fretful candidate: Inaudible response
Consulting interviewer: Oh yeah, that speaks volumes then.
Has beautiful, luscious locks: I am going to go get my wig from the car now.
Billionaire alumnus: I've gotta be sparing with my business cards. My wife does sustainability and she says I can't print any more of them.
Math Major in the Midst of a Game of Codenames: Is pie cylindrical?
Astro Major: Have you ever *seen* a pie?
Abuser of narrative: You’d be shocked to hear this — I rarely have dreams about murdering people.
Loving firefighter: I don’t think it would be good for you to consider this flame.
A smiling ball of black stares back at me.