We all know the feeling: you’re sitting in your seminar when suddenly you’re overcome by an all-consuming desire to…

1. Crack open my ballpoint pen and drink the ink like it’s a flask
2. Drink a bottle of water like it’s filled with vodka and cause a whole scene for nothing
3. Hit my vape
4. Pull out a lit cigarette to prove that I’m a Real Intellectual™
5. Invoke the muse
6. Roll my eyes back into my head as I lyrically recite the prophecies of old
7. Thumb out my own eyes
8. Offer my TA a high five, up high, then one down low, then pull my hand away and say “too slow”
9. Ask my professor to rank the students in the seminar by intelligence
10. Ask my professor to rank the students in the seminar by looks
11. Pass a note that says “do you like me? check yes or no” to my TA
12. Let my hair down and take off my glasses so everyone realizes that I was beautiful all along
13. Give birth messily
14. Climb out of the K-hole
15. Pull out my last loose tooth and show everyone
16. Start floating away toward the smell of a freshly baked pie emitting cartoonish scent lines
17. Look directly into an imaginary camera and break the fourth wall every time a thought enters my head
18. Moo
19. Videotape my professor saying innocuous shit about modernity and then use AI software to create an outrageous deepfake that will go viral online, gaining me much fame and glory
20. Break open the window with my bare hands, sustaining moderate injury in the process
21. Do the cinnamon challenge
22. Bust out my rainbow loom
23. React to my professor with a chipper, “You said it, mister!”
24. Ask my professor what else that mouth do then backpedal hard
25. Start an impromptu game of Duck Duck Goose
26. Loudly react to the polyamorous werewolf fanfic I am reading
27. Strip to be the class’s example of asiatic femininity
28. Remove a piece of clothing every 15 minutes so I’m butt naked by the end of class
29. Be a silly little slut
30. Play the NYT crossword song at full volume every time someone “approaches the topic from an ontological standpoint”
31. Repeat a woman’s point but louder
32. Shatter the glass ceiling
33. Be an ally
34. Show porn to the whole class (amateur, self made)
35. Scream and cry and grab the eraser from my professor’s hand to erase that one white spot off of the chalkboard that they keep missing
36. Auto-fellatio
37. Mr. Beast Squid Games in real life
38. Smoke on that zaza
39. ​​Show my professor intimate knowledge of his unpublished memoir
40. Look up my professor’s daughter on Instagram
41. Say “Amen to that!”
42. Ask my professor if he could spare a few minutes to talk about our lord and savior Jesus Christ
43. Write a 12-page, double spaced, fairly disenchanted book review on Goodreads about the Bible
44. Ask the guest speaker to replace our professor
45. Serve c*nt
46. Show everyone my actual c*nt
47. Kool aid man-ing through the walls of McCosh to create a hallway that goes all the way through the building
48. Put glasses on the back of my head and sitting backwards in my chair to pretend to be a hair creature
49. Eat a whole picnic and leaving no crumbs
50. Explain to the professor that I did the reading but don’t feel like talking about it right now
51. Grub for worms
52. Become both the lover and the beloved
53. Break each piece of chalk in half, one by one
54. Human centipede
55. Start talking about my android phone in a condescending tone
56. Urgently raise my hand and when called on point to the person next to me and say in a shrill voice, “Professor, she’s on iMessage during classsss!!!!!”
57. Rip the wooden leg off the table and whittling it into a stake with my teeth
58. Tell an ROTC kid that I don’t think military personnel deserve to board the plane before me
59. Push back against the liberal elite of academia and becoming a conservative firebrand
60. Salute the ROTC kid
61. Book a bus ticket to Washington DC on 1/5/2021
62. Turn to the guy next to me and asking him to tell me everything he knows about the female orgasm
63. Pronounce Walter Benjamin with a hard “J”
64. Pants my professor
65. Nod my head like yeah
66. Move my hips like yeah
67. Whip out my phone to continue filming my “Real Day in the Life of a Princeton Student” TikTok so I can get high schoolers in my comments to ask me my admissions stats
68. Reenact the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally 
69. Play a mental game of “Fuck, Marry, Kill” with my classmates
70. Chomp down on a honey lemon echinacea cough drop
71. Become a stay-at-home dad
72. Live tweet the premiere of Riverdale’s final season
73. Circle back
74. Secrete pools of saliva and display them on the table before me, so a female can enjoy a nutritious treat, and I can increase my chance of copulation
75. Email my professor links to videos of unexpected animal friends with the subject line: “This is kind of like us”
76. Put on an Australian accent so I don’t have to be familiar with the American canon
77. Shoot myself out of an American canon
78. Make out with the weird philosophy kid
79. Put on fucked up little plays in the stage of my mind
80. Explore several different uses of a peach
81. Bring a case of PBR and insist that everyone Venmos me for it
82. Finish an entire roll of Hubba Bubba
83. Refuse to participate “because I’m on vocal rest for my slam poetry show”
84. Act cool and above it all but in a way that you can tell deep down I’m really just looking for love just like everyone else on this crazy planet we call Earth
85. Let out an audible and cartoonish “gulp” when the professor cold calls on me
86. Construct the LEGO® Star Wars Death Star
87. Write my number in my notes just in case he looks over (he won’t)
88. Have my eyes roll back into my head as I lyrically recite the prophecies of old
89. Ask my professor if he polishes his bald spot or if it’s just naturally shiny
90. Flashmob to Bruno Mars’ “Marry You”