Face Down Nass Up

March 4, 2018

The New Jersey Border

How the town of Princeton and other New Jersey cities just shy of sanctuary status negotiate safety for undocumented immigrants.

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The 6, The 305, and What We Want From Charity

Unpacking the hubris of Drake’s newest experiment in rampant exhibitionism.

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On Being TOO BIG for old spaces

How to negotiate a home in spaces overcrowded by nostalgia for the days before you left.

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The Character of Princeton

“The town claims these sites as essential to their identity, forming gateways to enter into their unique area of New Jersey. But the sites belong to Princeton University, whose influence is world renowned, far surpassing that of the town. How can the town genuinely foster these sites into the fabric of its identity, while they contribute more to the University’s character rather than its own?”

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Home

“It wasn’t that I was self-conscious; rather, I recognized how ridiculous the scene must have looked. I was half dressed with tussled frosted tips and drooping bags under my eyes. They were fully uniformed, standing at least half a foot above me and simply staring at my unkempt figure.”

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Verbatim

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Overheard in philosohy class

Frosh having an existential crisis: I want them to play “I Took A Pill In Ibiza” at my funeral.

Overheard on FaceTime

Flu-ridden sophomore Pi Phi: Honestly this is probably what pregnancy feels like.

Overheard at Starbucks

Former St. A's member: Three things I hate the most: Big Oil, Big Pharma, Big Meat.

Overheard in Wilcox

Catholic schmuck at dinner: I'm not marrying someone unless they say they also want 10-12 children. Deal breaker.

Overheard at the Iowa Writers’ Workshop

Student 1, jokingly: I’m only here to waste time.
Student 2: Well, you’re doing a great job.

Overheard at Aquinas Retreat

Religious boi to complete stranger: I had a dream about hell last night and you were there.
Complete stranger: What the fuck, man

Overheard at Terrace

Shaman woman: So I got a three-pack of Disney knickers. One of them was Mulan.

Overheard in hot yoga

Suburban mom: My son said he wanted to get married. I said, "why the f would you do that?!" So he changed his mind and bought flying squirrels instead.

Overheard leaving TI

Soph to crying friend: What hole would he fill for you except for your vagina?

Overheard by a Frist printing station

Student in fur coat, using heavy-duty stapler, whispering to self: I feel like a grown-ass woman.

Overheard in Patton

PSafe officer about to McCosh a drunk senior guy in basement bathroom: Hurry get in the car! Frist is on fire!

Overheard in writing sem

Professor: So what's great about this essay?
Savage: You know, I really like the fact that this is the first draft and it'll be revised.

Overhead in a dorm room

Dramatic Pi Phi, on the phone a month-long boyfriend in Forbes: It's tough, but could we consider this an LDR?

Overheard in Frist

Female athlete, on leaving her belongings unattended: Yeah, I’m just a trust-y... uh... trusti— um... I trust people a lot.

Overheard in WWS322

Jaded senior: I want to be bored but it’s also interesting.

Overheard in 185

Drunk TI SWUG on Valentine's Day: I feel like in a past life I was a horse whisperer.

Overheard at Ivy

Former Ivy officer: I think it's incredibly ironic he would write that given our incredibly diverse new group of officers.

Overheard at a pregame

Nass frosh: Do you read the New Yorker? I mean, have you heard of David Remnick?