We wish to apologize for an error in our last issue. Jurgen Habermas is not, in fact, dead. He is alive and well. Not only this, but Gilles Deleuze, famed French anarcho-philosopher, is no longer dead. Upon reading our illustrative magazine, both intellectual heavyweights have agreed to write their own advice columns. In order to ask questions of the philosophers, please email submissions@beta.beta.beta.nassauweekly.com.

Ask Gilles Deleuze:

Dear Gilles Deleuze,

This summer my boyfriend was in New York—I was in Europe. I knew he was hanging out with this one girl Claudia, but I didn’t think they were, you know, doing it. Just last week he told me they had had sex one night, when they were drunk. He said it wasn’t his fault, but I’m not convinced. What should I do?

Yours, Betrayed

Dear Betrayed,

Your boyfriend scrambles all the codes and is the transmitter of the decoded flows of desire. The real continues to flow. In the schizo, the two aspects of process are conjoined: the metaphysical process that puts us in contact with the ‘demoniacal’ element in nature or within the heart of the earth, and the historical process of social production that restores the autonomy of desiring-machines in relation to the deterritorialized social machine. Schizophrenia is desiring-production as the limit of social production. It cannot avoid posing in eschatological terms the problem of the ultimate relationship between the analytic machine, the revolutionary machine, and the desiring-machine.

Dear Gilles Deleuze,

Yesterday I caught my roommate cheating on a take-home exam. I’m worried that, if I don’t turn her in, I’ll get in trouble too. But she’s my pal…how can I do the right thing without ruining our friendship?

Yours, Confused

Dear Confused,

Let us consider another paranoiac delirium as related by Maud Mannoni, a delirium whose kleptomaniacal nature is especially vivid. Here then we see a man from Martinique who, in the process of his delirium, situates himself in relation to the Arabs and the Algerian War, in relation to the whites and the May ‘68 events, when savage looting and corruption haunted all history in the paternal name. It was the beginnings of the development that favored the cellular divisions—the notion that, in order to believe in some sort of adjuration of the inducted kleptomaniacal untruthfulness and its inductor.

Dear Gilles Deleuze,

I don’t quite know how to say this…but…I think I walked in on my friend having sex—with another man. Now things between us are awkward. What can I say?

Yours, Speechless

Dear Speechless,

I approach Leibniz the way I approach all philosophers: from behind.

Ask Jurgen Habermas:

Dear Jurgen Habermas,

I read an email in my girlfriend’s outbox, in which she referred to me as “limpsly.” I do not know to what exactly this refers, but I think that it is fair to take offense. Confronting her about it, however, would reveal that I am a snoop. What should I do? I cannot continue our relationship without saying anything.



Dear Limpsly,

You are setting yourself against the Platonic tradition, in which what is material or evil is represented as a mere shading, weakening, or diminishing of the intelligible and the good, and not as the principle of negating and egoity, of closing off, of actively striving back into the depths. Limpsly, honestly, an ego-instance shorn of all normative dimensions and reduced to cognitive achievements of adaptation does indeed form a functional complement to the subsystems that are steered by media.

Dear Jurgen Habermas,

My ear hurts! Why does my ear hurt?


Hurt Ear

Dear Hurt Ear,

The universal pragmatic presuppositions of communicative action constitute semantic resources from which historical societies create and articulate representations of mind and soul. I recommend Neosporin.

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