Recently, pondering my life’s mistakes as any good man does, I uncovered the source of all my problems: sex. Two additional conclusions. First, I am a loser. Second, men are evil.

But they have taught me an important lesson: We don’t like to talk about sex. The male homosexual is a fascinating creature—simultaneously sexually liberated and eternally caged within deviances that others can never understand. I am lonely and ever feel more naked than on Grindr. Such impossible feelings—what am I to do with all this clotted rage and failed romance? Keeping them bottled up would entertain only our most perverted philosophy students.

So, in the boldest move I’ve ever made, I present all the reasons I am never having sex again.


He was a well-endowed senior, I a lonely and sexually frustrated freshman. Yes, I did walk 20 minutes to his dorm at 2:00 in the morning. And yes, I did wave hello to everyone I knew on the way. And yes, I did tell them that I was just getting a midnight snack at the U-Store. And yes, I did knock on the wrong door when I got there.

Apparently large age gaps are sexually exploitative, but power dynamics aside, the whole thing was pretty hot. He was twenty-two, tall, and I didn’t really know what he looked like—all good signs. The only picture he’d sent me was a dirty mirror selfie with flash on, and God were his barely visible chin and eyebrows a turn on. Most importantly, I didn’t know his name and he didn’t know mine. A perfect match.


One time an older man asked me if I learned to suck dick from YouTube videos. What the fuck? A guy pulled my pants down and said, “Damn, you got that thang on you.” Mid-sexting, a man told me the new cold weather was making his testicles shrink. I’ve never been more horrified.

I didn’t realize just how literal the phrase “dirty talk” is. What foul, disturbed language. What about sex reduces the male brain to a pile of mush? Are these the leaders of the next generation? The very best of our future investment bankers and Raytheon interns? We’re doomed.


In case you didn’t know, boys can do it, too. I sucked his dick, maybe poorly, but well enough that he finished. In my mouth. I did not – the only part of me he touched was my hair, which he grasped in a way that told me he’d watched a lot of porn. There is nothing more humiliating than having to do it yourself, and still, I tried. Then, he looked up at me, and asked me a very fair question: “So, what’s your favorite dining hall?” I gasped. “What res college do you live in? Where are you from? What’s your major? Which gays on campus do you not like?”

Suddenly I realized exactly what I’d been putting myself through. I was having sexual encounters so detached, so unintimate that we had literally nothing to talk about after. So, to save us both from the barrage of icebreakers, shushed him. I fucking shushed him. And there we were, laying in silence, awkwardly begging for it to be over soon.

When I got home, he messaged me and told me I was bad at kissing.


There are probably more precise ways to talk about sex, but I tell my therapist that I wake up and then everything starts feeling weird. I move on with my day, tumble through a cycle of unforgiving and unsatisfying sex that I splice from the rest of my normal, untainted life. I look in the mirror and wonder if any of it happened. I freeze up when I see them, wretched beasts, walking around campus. I consider making eye contact. He does not, but sends me a message that night confirming he saw me.

What the fuck is happening? I remember, as a failed pervert and momentary sex toy for any nameless man who will ask, I am just like the rest of them. I will never find an answer. So, to keep myself protected from further crimes against my own psyche, from now on I am taking up a vow of iron-clad celibacy. You will see me in an asylum before another man’s bedroom.

I am a spritely, supple young man in the time of my life, and to ruin it with impure urges would be a terrible shame. So I am signing off from this filth, and until someone expresses vague interest in me again, it will stay that way.

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