You may not believe in horoscopes. You may think they are merely words strung together to provide some misconstrued meaning for life that floats beyond perception of reality. But think about it. Do any of us really know anything? Do we even exist? Is existence a simulation? Shouldn’t when and where we were born in the universe mAtTeR? Here is one thing we know for sure:
Most people claim they don’t believe in horoscopes. But admit it. Some days even the best of us take two minutes of our lives to check what information the movements of celestial objects will divine. Maybe you’re feeling good about yourself and wondering if the vibes will be permanent. Maybe you’re feeling awful and looking to confirm that there is in fact a reason why the world is laughing at you. Either way, look no further. This is the place for you.
Welcome to NASStrology: your two minute quick fix for all your secret (or perhaps not so secret astrological desires). Whatever your hopes may be, find us here for a chance to SCOR-A-HOPE with your horoscope.
Aries 03.21 – 04.20
Hey, you, keep your head up. This week might be a tough one, but you’ll get through it. Instead of focusing on how much people can suck, spend time buying avocados or investing in a foot massager. Put cucumbers on your eyes and take a nap (not for too long though, go to class). If all else fails, go on a long walk and scream opera songs in an empty field. The more you do the less time you’ll have to ponder if they like you back or not. Or just cry silently in bed but tell no one.
Taurus 04.21 – 05.20
Don’t perpetuate your own self-hegemony. Instead find an anomalistic moment of conviviality to compensate for your saxicolous nature.
Gemini 05.21 – 06.20
Hola mi amor, are you keeping up with your weekly P-sets? Probably not. That’s okay, it’s been said that if you spend 20-24 hours asleep every day that all of your problems disappear anyway. In the four hours you’re awake though, perhaps try something new to stretch out your spiritual muscles. Puzzle building is always a safe bet, with gargling Listerine at a close second. Enjoy the slumber because you definitely are in need of extra REM time. Don’t question it, you know it’s true.
Cancer 06.21 – 07.22
Here are the words that reflect the sounds of your soul this week: allege, sedge, dredge, pledge, hedge fund, Gamestop, stocks, short-selling firm, democratization of finance, zero-commission, Robinhood.
Leo 07.23 – 08.22
Leo, this is your week. You’re a rockstar so go get your hair dyed or eat three fat burgers. No need to work it off afterwards because your badassery will burn off all the calories. Take a trip to the supermarket because you definitely are running low on cleaning supplies, but other than that, keep keeping on and doing your thing. Snap a pic for posterity and post it online while you’re at it so everyone knows how together your life is. Congratulations.
Virgo 08.23 – 09.22
Virgo, you don’t deserve the hate people give you. (Insert something metaphorical about your self-actualization) Don’t you feel better now? Please buy something polka-dotted this week and tell your marriage pacter “hello, how are you.” Unless they are a Gemini. Then block them (respectfully).
Libra 09.23 – 10.22
n/a
Scorpio 10.23 – 11.22
Hi Scorpio, I know you feel alone right now (it’s totally not because the author is a Scorpio). Don’t worry, tomorrow you will find someone to help you face the glaring abyss with love. Your Mercury will be in Aquarius at exactly 5:23 pm on March 2. If you go outside and then take a left and then two rights and then walk straight for 20 minutes and then one more right, you will be aligned with your rising sign. At this astrological position new possibilities will appear. Mutual respect.
Sagittarius 11.23 – 12.21
Saggie! You seem down, like you could use a drink. Pepsi is a low-calorie flavorful soft drink that is sure to refresh your taste buds. Most soft drinkers probably know Pepsi for its soda. But Pepsi is not just a soda company. This week it’s also your home. PepsiCo holds a host of other products that few are familiar with. Pepsi was the first company to introduce two-liter bottles to the market. The bottles were invented in the 1970s by Nathaniel Wyeth. Pepsi became the first company to use them and was selling its 2-liter-bottle soda worldwide in 1976. Pepsi has zero calories. And for only $1.69 you can buy a 20 oz bottle! Use the link at the bottom of this page to buy this thirst quencher. With the code SCORAHOPE you can get 15% off your first order.
Capricorn 12.22 – 1.19
ciao bella,
at this moment
please permit me to provide
recommendations (nay, mandates) for your week:
implode (but only spiritually)
call your grandmother to tell her you love her
ontologically question your existence with the rise of each rosy-fingered Dawn
read about how you’re not doing any of your work
not do anything about it
Aquarius 1.20 – 2.19
Salutations! This week will be very productive for you and you will feel extra proud of yourself. But be sure to ride the high horse in the privacy of your thoughts because otherwise an extremely annoyed bystander is going to walk up and bicycle kick you straight off of it. Your academic success will impress your nuclear family for sure, but everyone hates a pretentious prick. Live laugh love nonetheless and keep kicking ass this week. Cheers!
Pisces 2.20 – 3.20
don’t let the snowflakes get you down with their talk of “equality for all” and “biden won the election fair & square by a statistically proven 4.5-point margin” and remember your daily libations to marjorie taylor greene. you’ve got this.