Sad boy: The poetry grind never ends.
Fulbright Fellow: Last time I drank too much I went skinny dipping with a group of seventy-year-old men and vomited freshly slain sheep heart in my mouth.
Pi Phi, future banker: He's totally gonna be successful, he's so white and fat.
Devout Catholic to Marxist-Leninist: Who’s going to make the caramel gelato when the revolution comes?
Student: What's the summer recruiting timeline for a Princetonian Jew who wants to be a religious cult leader?
Nass editor: I want to go into journalism but it takes so much confidence and faith...and I’m an atheist with low self-esteem.
Sophomore Ivy hopeful wearing a Canada Goose: I'm sorry I'm a man of the people and I don't know how to spell Moncler.
Senior drama kid: I’m so ready to start preventative Botox at 25. Have you seen Jennifer Aniston?
Patagonia-wearing frat bro: Is anyone here in the 'Badass Marketers and Founders' Facebook group?
Young Nihilist: I mean real talk – I wonder if animals that mate for one season – if they go through the same heartbreak as humans.
Stressed Virgo: I just wish people would send Google Invites for booty calls.
Stressed Virgo, later: I should set up a WASS for my hookups.
Networks professor: When I go to the gym, I always try to use locker 404, because I always forget where I've put my clothes.
Self-declared SWUG: I keep getting weird looks from the guy who lives across from me. I wish I could explain to him that the vibrating noise coming from my room every night is not the sound of me pleasuring myself but rather my electric toothbrush since I'm too lazy to walk 20 feet to the bathroom.
Possible cult member, sophomore: I'm not even that much of a socialist. I just want to help poor people.
Jewish Marxist A's Ivy junior: I love the Nass verbatims, they're so relatable.