Frat bro: Do you have to be debilitatingly poor to make cookies in Murray Dodge?
BodyHype senior, to junior: I think you’re the kind of guy to go to war and come back with a Vietnamese wife.
Nass EIC: The first time I tripped, I fully realized that I'm a pathological misanthrope.
Distressed white boy: "She can date whatever moron she wants. Just keep that shit out of Wucox Dining Hall."
Unemployed SWUG: I was supposed to have an IBM interview today but I don't really know what happened to that. I didn't care much—they have an ugly logo.
Club officer: They should call you guys the Real Housewives of Terrace.
Woman: No, they shouldn't.
Father, to small child: Son, the key is to study hard. If you don’t do that you’ll end up at Rutgers, and Mommy and Daddy won’t be proud of you.
Tech-inept professor: “Come on, I just don't know how to get rid of YouTube avocadoes!”
Nass staffer: I may or may not have taken a relatively unsmelly shit and hidden it under a pile of checks.
24-year-old Ben & Jerry’s enthusiast: Squeeze applesauce is my guilty pleasure.
Cottage Girl 1: How'd your night end up?
Cottage Girl 2: Uh...I think I got raped.
Cottage Girl 1: Oh my God, what are you going to do?
Cottage Girl 2: Well, I would press charges, but the sex was really good.
Independent and future diplomat: I don’t want to learn how to cook because I want to be able to tell people that I’m the "canned food guy."
Apes bro, scrolling through newsfeed: What are 5 foods that kill testosterone? If guacamole’s on this I'm so fucked.
Girl, whispering at full volume: Now [redacted] wants me to flush his coke for him. What am I, his mother?
AEPi freshman, to Theta freshman: Hi, I'm [redacted]. You look like a superhero.
PSafe officer about to McCosh a drunk senior guy in basement bathroom: Hurry get in the car! Frist is on fire!
Guy with newly acquired girlfriend: I feel more productive, you know. More relaxed, getting more work done.
Guy's friend: So getting down to business is good for business?
Guy: Stocks are UP when her pants are DOWN.
Freshman lass: I do not understand why Zola feels the need to make the misery of the Raquin’s into something negative. They are of lowly castes so if you deprive them of their misery, they have nothing. Having misery must be better than not having any, for god almighty endowed them with their misery.
Drunk man, singing to the tune of Katy Perry: In another life I would be a Jew
Audience member: What’s the key to a happy life?
The Dalai Lama: Money. And sex.
Professor describing Kafka protagonist: He walks into town, and he's literally just a giant penis. Well not literally. But that's the general idea.
Potential Sophomore: I'm going to teach my kid to listen to podcasts at double speed from a young age, so they can communicate better.
Senator, to aide: I need a Twizzler.
(Later)
There's a mosquito in here and I don't know what to do about it.