Aspiring highschool journalist to Nass Freshman: Are you a paid writer for the Nassau Weekly?
Housewife: —because I’m the only person who tries to tell the truth like it is—
Husband (interrupting): Yes, but half the time you tell it wrong.
Senior, on first kisses: I think I kissed my Dominican babysitter when I was 7... She was like, 15 though, so it was cool. Her name was Domatila.
Female Ivy member to bickeree: Now tell this Cottage member three things you hate about her club.
Bickeree: But-- but I don't know three Cottage members!
Gimmicky anthro major: “And the whole epistemological gag of the thing is...”
Sober Girl 1: I just think... like I wouldn’t think if I heard your voice that it was hot.
Sober Girl 2, in high pitched whiny voice: But the question is, is it annoying?
Upperclassman, beating his chest among a swarm of Mechanical Aerospace Engineering majors: We’re the most lit fucking major!
Philosophy professor: It's kind of common knowledge that Scientology is absolute garbage.
A true friend: “I feel like you sell yourself short in the Russian department.”
Girl: Are you going to TruckFest?
Cottage bro, clutching Chobani yogurt: I don’t even know what that is.
Girl: It’s for charity.
Bro: I don’t believe in charity.
CWR prof Colson Whitehead: I live two blocks from where I’m reading tonight. I can finish talking and totally be spankin’ it five minutes later. #metrics
Asian prefrosh, raising hand: Um hi, so I am really thirsty. Where is the water fountain?
[Twenty minutes later...]
Same prefrosh, raising hand: So I really have to pee. Where is the nearest bathroom?
Passerby: And I straight up Stanford Prison Experimented these kids.
Orange Key guide: Princeton Preview is a great chance to sleep with a student.
Exasperated TA to fellow exasperated TA: Don’t say anything else, you’re gonna fucking confuse them!
Girl, pining for European boyfriend: I would not like to marry a circumcised man
Mother, letting out cry of surprise: Oh!
Lovelorn Jewish press club member, about crush, morosely: I don't think she’ll ever come to the CJL.
Terrace Junior, on adding Fireball to beer: It turns a mediocre beer into an event.
Pi Phi: Here are some things I care about but have done nothing about: gun control.