Freshman who needs to stop saying shit like this: “I feel like I'm the golden retriever of this friendship.”
Nassling: “I wish guys had urologists like girls had gynecologists. I want a more specific doctor to look at my junk.”
Anxious Professor:” This is good to know if you ever have a demonic encounter.”
Attention Historian: "I've just learned that there's a class-action lawsuit against Film at Lincoln Center."
(spills full bottle of Diet Coke all over table)
Someone who hates acapella renditions of Imagine: “Gal Gadot is a girl chud.”
Diagrammatic diva: "We made a deal that when fascism takes hold, we're going to start vaping again."
Misinformed Historian: I hate the Irish. I'll never forgive the Irish for starting the potato famine.
Girl With Beautiful Hair: I don’t think she’s ever experienced discomfort in her life. Well, except for when I caused her discomfort.
Freshly Back From A Trip Abroad: No one wanted us there…but they were friendly.
A Hater: I love hating. I love so many things honestly too, but I think it's really hard to get a reputation as a lover.
Likes to Mix It Up: The three kinds of music I’m always listening to are harsh noise, jazz, and Midwest emo.
Bored Mom, about NYT Spelling Bee: I got genius once and then I was hooked, like drugs.
Humanities Student: I don’t think I’ve ever had to study for an exam.
Professor: There was once a time, and I know you guys don’t remember this, where if you wanted something to turn on you flipped a switch.
Striped-shirt straight guy: I’ve never met a bisexual guy I didn’t find annoying.
170-pound man: "It's a little confusing, because cumming on someone is not really complimentary."
Socialist poet: I hate to say it, but mass democracy was a great mistake for America.
Professor: Here is a little tip about 19th century literature. When you see … … What does that mean? It means they had sex!
Google Calendar Warrior: I don’t have time for lunch today but you can walk with me from New South to East Pyne between 10:50 and 11:00 if you want to talk.