Christian, balking at the idea of an 8:30 AM lecture: Literally the only thing I would wake up for at 7:30 AM is the Second Coming of Christ.
Tech bro: Well, uh, my moral compass is ChatGPT, so I'm not sure I'm on board with that.
Guy (talking about the Performative Male Contest): I just don't see why women find that kind of man attractive.
Straight Girl with heteronormative tendencies: Well, makes sense, because if you found that attractive, you'd be gay.
Guy: I AM GAY
Professor with a pixie cut: So what does GDP stand for?
Backwards-hat-wearing econ major junior: Can I phone a friend?
Middle-aged Japanese Princeton Parent: The shooter's dad turned him in? You know, I would have just found you some dude like Jesse had in El Camino. That is some white people stuff to turn your own kid in.
Student with an undiscovered Oedipus complex: ChatGPT is like a god and a mother, and my lover.
Jewish girlfriend: Like, what is your deal, big G? God's children don't really have a great track record. Besides Jesus, but he's like the Sean Lennon to Lucifer's Julian.
Protestant-raised Princetonian: We are all Julian Lennon in the eyes of God…
American: Sam was watching an Albanian version of Jersey Shore, like, with Albanian people.
55-year-old man: I think Miranda July is the greatest writer of our generation.
Traveler: “What would you recommend I do here”
Receptionist: “Go clubbing, make new friends, and please try to avoid saying ‘I’m just here for the history.’”
Friend 1: “I just want to be famous.”
Friend 2: “Don’t you want to learn something useful?”
Friend 1: “I can figure that out later.”
First-year who has left out some critical context: “I have never made a pillow so wet before.”
Man 1: “I’ve been at work all day.”
Man 2: “That’s why you’re a multi-multi-hundred-thousandaire.”
First-year: “Can we just Netflix and chill tonight? And I don’t mean sex. I am tired.”
Daughter: “When should we visit Uncle Jack?”
Mother: “He’s dying, so he’s probably free.”
54-year-old Father, walking around aimlessly: “Fantastico. Fantastico. Fantastico.”
Colleague on FaceTime with their child: “You are just so cute and smiling today!”
Me with my back turned from said colleague: “Oh, why, thanks! I try. :)”
Girl in the way-back: “I just had this vision that our Uber driver is going to die.”
Camper: “Why are you putting socks on before bed?”
Counselor: “My own feet disgust me.”
Investment Banking Intern, after spending forty-five hours per week at the office and changing nothing about the world, with $60,000 in their bank account: “I’ll Venmo request you.”
Reactionary centrist: “The ideal amount of woke is very clearly non-zero.”