55-year-old man: I think Miranda July is the greatest writer of our generation.
Traveler: “What would you recommend I do here”
Receptionist: “Go clubbing, make new friends, and please try to avoid saying ‘I’m just here for the history.’”
Friend 1: “I just want to be famous.”
Friend 2: “Don’t you want to learn something useful?”
Friend 1: “I can figure that out later.”
First-year who has left out some critical context: “I have never made a pillow so wet before.”
Man 1: “I’ve been at work all day.”
Man 2: “That’s why you’re a multi-multi-hundred-thousandaire.”
First-year: “Can we just Netflix and chill tonight? And I don’t mean sex. I am tired.”
Daughter: “When should we visit Uncle Jack?”
Mother: “He’s dying, so he’s probably free.”
54-year-old Father, walking around aimlessly: “Fantastico. Fantastico. Fantastico.”
Colleague on FaceTime with their child: “You are just so cute and smiling today!”
Me with my back turned from said colleague: “Oh, why, thanks! I try. :)”
Girl in the way-back: “I just had this vision that our Uber driver is going to die.”
Camper: “Why are you putting socks on before bed?”
Counselor: “My own feet disgust me.”
Investment Banking Intern, after spending forty-five hours per week at the office and changing nothing about the world, with $60,000 in their bank account: “I’ll Venmo request you.”
Reactionary centrist: “The ideal amount of woke is very clearly non-zero.”
Customer: “I can’t have caffeine too late or else I won’t be able to fall asleep.”
French receptionist: “Bonjour.”
An earnest tourist: “bun-gor.”
French receptionist: *sighs*” What can I do for you today?”
25-year-old man, standing over somebody’s lost ID: “This is something you would see on the show, ‘What Would You Do’.”
Blonde: “What school are you from?”
Exchange Student: “北京University.”
Blonde: “Is that in California?”
Korean-American Berkeley Student: “I’m descended from farmers so I’m from a farm. I’m a farmer too. It makes sense in Korean.”
Girl on a date, playing dumb: “Isn’t rain salty? I thought it was salt water.”
Teen 1: “Where would the tattoo be?”
Teen 2: “In the tattoo parlor.”
Teen 1: “Like, where on your body?”