I Am Legend

November 8, 2014


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Overheard in Infini-T

Philosopher, profoundly: The only thing money can’t buy is...poverty.

Overheard on iMessage

Ivy Pi Phi: You’ve gotta follow your dream, though. (pause) I just read an Elite Daily article that told me that.

Overheard in poetry workship

Professor Smith: Why else would you be walking alone on the railroad track with a pounding heart if you weren’t torn up about love?

Overheard in Lockhart

St. A’s junior: I’m a better person on cocaine.

Overheard in a hazy common room

Prince Editor: The lesbians I met at JP Morgan are super fratty.

Overheard by Prospect House

One elderly woman to another: So tell me again the difference between plugs and beads?

Overheard outside Whitman

Chi Phi: Drink beer. Drink protein. Talk about lifting. Don’t get with chix. That’s the M.O. for tonight.

Overheard in the WSJ

“I’m up here every goddamned night,” Mr. Ryan says. “I’ve gained 20 pounds drinking Champagne since summer.”

Overheard in Brooklyn

WPRB staffer: You Nass girls seem very...in touch with yourselves.

Overheard in Shanghai

Old British man: It’s like the Guggenheim, but for killing cattle.

Overheard in Jadwin

Audience member: What’s the key to a happy life?
The Dalai Lama: Money. And sex.

Overheard on iMessage

Theta Senior: I bet Cottage would hose the Dalai Lama.

Overheard in Frist

Bro 1: Dude, you blackout?
Bro 2: Who?

Overheard in Whitman

RCA, on reasons to go to Diwali Eid celebration: You aren’t a true player until you’ve gotten a girl to take off her hijab.

Overheard in bathroom at Triumph

Middle-aged townie, in stall: I’m not gonna puke in this stall, I don’t puke fucking ever. (flushes, leaves stall) Anyway, the last time I puked was in front of Tommy’s.

Overheard in Washington, DC

’11 alum in Moncler vest and Princeton baseball cap: It makes me livid how people who went to tertiary—no, septenary—schools appropriate our culture. Buying a Barbour jacket doesn’t negate the fact that you went to fucking James Madison University.

Overheard in CWR 302

Professor Paul Muldoon: The Holocaust is very much like the cronut in that respect.

Overheard in Terrace

Terran: If I had procreated with her, the baby would have popped out, held open his hand while the doctor spanked his butt and politely demanded a crack pipe.