Deeply Confused But Mildly Aroused

October 15, 2017

Elevators

“Someone said this to me the other day: People always seem to press the elevator button again even if someone else has already pressed it.”

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Why We Do OA

“Our most homespun particularities would illuminate the dusk in the woods like lanterns as we sat together after dinner.”

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48 Cans of LaCroix, Et Cetera

“what’s the weirdest thing you brought with you to college?”

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Le Cirque, C’est Chic

One pearly-teethed, outdoors adverse Princeton debutant examines the thrilling liberation of circus arts.

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A Toast Well-Browned

For one woman, perpetually disheartened by dining hall desserts, a new discovery prompts renewed enthusiasm, and, dare we say, rekindled emotion.

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The Bust of Sokrates

“But then the Romans didn’t want paunchy, lumpy bodies in their villas (aside from their own), so they decapitated Sokrates, already green and moldy from the hemlock, and shoved his face alone in their alcoves, dressing him up in pure white marble.”

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The Character in Woody Allen Films Who is Clearly Just Woody Allen Played by Someone Else

“the Universe
is Expanding!”

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Meditations from the Dishwashing Room

“Two weeks ago, after a summer spent clearing plates at a restaurant in Seoul, I donned an orange apron and began my next stint as a food industry worker at the Rocky-Mathey dining hall.”

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The Afterparty

“Bobby prays to God and
remembers to call the plumber”

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Verbatim

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Overheard in Rocky

Cultural Jew: You've never heard of Meyer Lansky? He's my favorite American Jew!

Overheard at a Nass meeting

Disappointed frosh: I've always been sort of tenuously interested in astrology because I'm a Leo.

Overheard in Aaron Burr Hall

Professor who brought candy for his class: At this point in the semester, an IV of crack is a better idea.

Overheard in Frist

Stressed-out sophomore: I'll be honest, I think I probably have a solid cry about once a month. Usually in the shower. Put on some sad music and just go for it. That way I'm not wasting time. I mean, we all have to shower.

Overheard at Terrace

Club Manager: I'm kind of a Wawa ho. I've been to every Wawa in North Jersey.

Overheard on Facetime

Yale grad student: New Haven has a surprising amount of nature. Like, rocks.

Overheard at a Nass meeting

St. Ann’s alum: My shower shoes are Birkenstocks.

Overheard in RoMa

Student in sophomore slump: These salad bowls give me anxiety.

Overhead on the Street

Quad senior: I think he's very confident about his weight loss from last summer. Then again, that's when he had malaria.

Overheard at Murray Dodge

St. A's Interviewee: People don't think English is hard until I tell them I'm going to law school after.

Overheard at Nass design hours

Angry aspiring Nass designer: Nietzsche's aesthetic is the Nass.

Overheard on study abroad in London

Princeton dropout, pointing at a Fjallraven Kanken backpack: I could wipe my butt with that.

Overheard on Nassau

Drunk townie, to three friends: I, like, never go out. If I do go out it's always with you five bitches.

Overheard in Wright

Nass frosh: I like memes and I like eating ass. Call me the dirty meme kid.

Overheard in LAS 371

Professor: What do you think about the recent news on Puerto Rico?
Cottage junior: I feel like before this I didn't even know where it was on the map. I just had, like, no consciousness of it.
Professor: …Where did you think it was?
Cottage junior: Idk in like the Pacific or something.

Overheard at Terrace

Officer: How does a sociopath masturbate?

Overheard at Ivy

Ivy Junior, on white male names: Matt is the white Muhammad.