Capri-Sun
August 6, 2022
Capri-Sun: Full Design
This week, in the annual Summer Issue, the Nass reflects on nostalgia for the iPhone 6, bends like a blade of grass, and writes poems from a Costco gas station.
Verbatim
More →Overheard while debating the canon
Disgruntled humanities major: “I don’t know if I want to get that deep into the brain of someone French.”
Overheard over text
White man hater: “I cannot believe Colin Jost and Scarlett Johansson are married.”
Overheard in DC
Enthusiastic executive branch intern: “Just has to pass up through eight levels and it’ll be on Biden’s desk!”
Overheard while hungry
Pro-fast food socialist: “I yearn for Wendy’s a lot.”
Overheard on iMessage
Childhood narcissist: “I just want the world to know I was a beautiful baby.”
Overheard while not on campus
Lonely soul: “I’ve realized that I just need an imaginary friend.”
Overheard over text
Wanabee public intellectual: “The people are dying to see me sued for libel.”
Overheard in a conversation between masthead members
Person aspiring to get canceled: “The Nass needs more controversy.”
Overheard in impromptu Astro precept
Galileo reborn: “The sun is just a big stuffed animal.”
Overheard while reviewing a psychiatry appointment
Skeptical philosopher: “They always ask me if I see or hear things other people don’t, but how would I know if other people don’t?”
Overheard over text
Science-skeptic humanist: “No, exactly, I bet his doctorate is in medicine instead of philosophy.”
Overheard during discussion about mental health
Future MCU character: “My first therapist told me my anxiety was my superpower.”
Overheard in Frist Campus Center
Exuberant sophomore: “This is going to be such a fun study break!”
Baffled straight man: “What, masturbating?”
Overheard at Reunions
Former senior editor: “You couldn't pay me to pay for this food.”
Overheard in an Airbnb
Gay Jew: “Do you think Robbie George wants to criminalize sodomy?”
Straight Jew: “Yes. Definitely.”
Overheard in Buenos Aires
Junior politics major, about the Supreme Court: “None of them are as ballsy as Thomas.”
Overheard while planning memorial service
Ideating memorializer: “Can we play ‘212’ by Azealia Banks during the service? He was from New York City.”
Overheard in Mathey
Guy with a beard and ideas: “It would be so cool if we had a zoo in Frist.”
Down-to-earth friend: “No, it would smell.”
Overheard in a cafe
Overwhelmed student: “I feel like that big guy they tie down in Gulliver’s Travels.”
Helpful friend: “…Gulliver?”
Overheard watching a movie about Pinochet
Historian: “She's hot in the way you want your wife to be hot when you're in your thirties. I'm not attracted to her now. But I will be. When I have to.”
Overheard during a music discussion
Aspiring theologian: “You know what else goes hard? Being a good Christian.”
Overheard while debating the ethics of nudism
Perplexed literary critic: “Why does Bugs only wear gloves when Lola and her parents wear full outfits?”
Overheard abroad
Secular leftist: “We all know I would have been a Stalinist.”
Overheard on iMessage
Future messiah: “One day I woke up and suddenly I was right about everything.”