Buff Professors Unveil Their Bodies

October 20, 2005

Buff Men of the Ivory Tower

It’s Thursday at noon in Dillon Gym, and the Stephens Fitness Center sweats with the heat of Princeton’s faculty and staff. Let’s sit down with some of them and see how they stay in such good shape.

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Cleaning up Your Puke

What happens to your vomit? Which magical little elves comes and clean it up, so when you groan your way out of bed, you don’t step in it on your way to class? The singularly important responsibility of cleaning up vomit belongs not to elves but regular people—the Princeton Grounds and Maintenance Crew.

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Nasty Culture

The President of Italy and his three friends, a Duke, a Magistrate and a Bishop, sit at the head of a table surrounded by teenage SS officers, a few older women, and about twenty young boys and girls. Some of the youths are dressed in suits and dresses, others in their underwear, while still others sit naked. A nude girl emerges from the kitchen with a large tray of steaming shit…
~and~
There is a neighborhood on the outskirts of a city with a lousy bar and grimy brick buildings and orange lamps in the alleys. There are towns where in the deep hours of night cars prowl the streets full of dumb menace. Vague criminals and edgy losers grope at women dressed in cheap finery and the sex is drunken and ugly and brief…

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Minorityjack

In a past life (i.e., one year ago), I was an undergraduate and an RA at WashU. It was kind of a big deal, thanks. But with that Big Deal came Big Responsibility—namely, diversity training. Unless you’re a complete asshole, … Read More

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Bush’s New Environmentalism

Environmental science is a real buzz-kill. I never expected it to be all bird calls and daisies, or pictures of ponies, but in my high school class, we regularly sat through hour-long lectures that kicked off with informed statistics about … Read More

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Mr. Gates Comes to Call

Bill Gates descended on campus last Friday, and everyone in Richardson Auditorium had Microsoft founder’s rock star status impressed upon them. Audience members were greeted by a 21st century audio-visual display: two high-definition monitors and a gigantic projector screen, all … Read More

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Blinded by the Light

I had never heard of neo-futurism before seeing Theatre Intime’s production of “Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind.” I probably never would have heard of it and I probably will never hear of it again. From what I … Read More

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Polymorphously Hilarious

“If thine eye offend thee, pluck it out.” -Jesus, Matthew 18:8 “Your right eye is half-a-millimeter too high,” Dr. Christian Troy informs an aspiring model during the pilot-episode of Nip/Tuck. “And you have an Irish nose,” he quickly adds as … Read More

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Verbatim

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Overheard at the Wawa

Senior Guy: Freshman girls used to be easy, but now they all, like, have boyfriends.
Junior Guy: Yeah, that's why I'm trying a new approach: I'm going after only pregnant women. Think about it--you KNOW those chicks put out. It's like sex evidence.

Overheard at a lecture by Israeli MK Azmi Bichara

Angry Grad Student: If you're going to come to our campus and attend out lectures, you're expected to be cordial and polite...Bitch!

Overheard on a certain fraternity email list

It has been brought to our attention that one of you, no need to mention who, has already lost his pledge pin. pledges, this is unacceptable. for this you will be raped as an example to the other pledges. as is customary, a few of us will convene to elect a team of 9 brothers that will systematically but ruthlessly run train on your brown ass. subsequently, you will be beaten with an extension chord [sic] at our discretion. i think it goes without saying that the ceremonies will conclude with the wearing of the persian eye
goggles, i.e. the resting of our scrotums over your eyes. if you have any questions, don't hesitate to go and fuck yourself.