University President Christopher L. Eisgruber

Oh hey! I almost didn’t notice you there. I guess I’m pretty preoccupied.

What am I thinking about? I’ll tell you what I’m not thinking about. I am not thinking about our University’s 20th President, Christopher L. Eisgruber. I never think about him. It’s actually amazing that the so-called president of our university plays such a small role in the day-to-day lives of the average undergraduate. Like, when was the last time you even saw President Christopher L. Eisgruber?

At Jenna’s party? Oh, right, I was invited to that, but I decided not to go.

No, not because I knew that President Christopher L. Eisgruber was going to be there. That thought didn’t even cross my mind. Not even when I saw he had clicked attending and commented, “Can’t wait to celly with you!” on the event page, even though I was the one who introduced him to Jenna in the first place and now he’s pretending like they’ve always been friends, which we both know is not true.

Yes, I did click maybe attending. And no, it wasn’t so that he would spend the whole party wondering when I was going to show up, looking at the door expectantly every time someone new came in, only to be filled again and again with bitter disappointment when it turned out to be someone completely irrelevant, like his wife.

Miss him? Have you even been listening? Missing him would require thinking about him, which I literally never do. I never think about him, or his wire rim glasses on my nightstand, or the funny way he would mumble about the Chicago Cubs in his sleep. He was always so embarrassed about that, even though I told him a million times that it’s the flaws that make a University President beautiful.

I’m fine. It’s just my contacts.

I mean, he’s the first Princeton University president in over a century not to have a PhD. How could anyone miss someone like that?

Anyway. Sorry for breaking into your house in the middle of the night. I just wanted to let you know that I’m doing really well. And I knew if anyone would understand that, it would be you. Thanks, Shirley. You’re a true friend.

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