In a recent 60 Minutes interview with Ellie Goulding, viewers were captivated by the singer-songwriter’s apparent lack of common sense and general human knowledge. Interviewer Lesley Stahl released a statement two days after the episode aired urging the public to be considerate of Goulding’s comments: “She has only ever had to sing,” the journalist claimed.

The taping of last week’s episode began at 2:00 p.m. on a Saturday, and Goulding urged the producer to end by 2:15 p.m. Upon learning that the segment was really 60 minutes in length, she expressed confusion regarding the format of the show, asking: “Wait, this is really gonna take an hour? I thought, like, 15 minutes—max!” Producers soon realized that Goulding was not commenting on the maximum amount of time required for the interview, but was instead calling for her agent, Max, so she could have another Xanax to “calm down” for the longer-than-expected taping. “You know, like the Taylor Swift song,” she laughed.

Goulding then suggested that Stahl discuss The Masked Singer with her, which perplexed producers who contacted the singer weeks prior to agree on the topic of social media’s influence on the rising popularity of 2000s rock. She insisted on analyzing the dynamics of the vaguely popular reality television program, wondering: “I thought they meant COVID masks? I know if I had to sing in a furry costume I wouldn’t be able to see the lyrics on my phone.” This caused fans to question the singer’s ability to remember short stretches of words and phrases, prompting Goulding to address the controversy on her Instagram story: “Guys, I promise I can read,” clearly misinterpreting fans’ concerns. Singer and Broadway actress Lea Michele attempted to defend Goulding’s reading abilities online, but was only able to produce a series of emoticons.

When Stahl attempted to change the subject, Goulding became visibly distressed and said she had to take a break from filming for her mental health, yelling, “I just have a lot going on right now!” Her mouth allegedly opened so wide when shouting that the crew noticed four more Xanax under her tongue that she was “saving for later,” as well as a lower lip tattoo that read “adulting.”

After the outburst, Goulding disappeared for several minutes. Producers later found her curled up in a restroom bathtub using a full-sized desktop Mac to research the 2021 incident involving the Thai soccer team that got trapped in a cave. “I know I wasn’t there, but this couldn’t have happened,” she claimed. As staff members coaxed Goulding out of the bathroom and back to the set, they asked why she thought the cave incident was so improbable: “I assumed the cave they were in was like the moon pool in H2O: Just Add Water. Like, you can swim out whenever you want.”

Once Goulding was led back onto set, she spontaneously started pitching a new show concept to CBS. The only specific detail that she included was that the show needed to have Jack Black in it. “I haven’t really thought of the rest, but I think he would be funny in it.” A producer denied Goulding’s request for a four million dollar loan to get the show up and running, so she proceeded to attempt assault. Chaos ensued, as the crew quickly realized she was armed with a lipstick taser. Stahl was perplexed by this development: “I was under the impression lipstick tasers only existed in the Despicable Me cinematic universe.” Goulding was escorted out of the building immediately but, in protest, unhooked her bra and used it to tie herself to a lamppost outside the studio. To the singer’s surprise, fans did not come to her aid on the street, despite her singing the entirety of Lana Del Rey’s Norman Fucking Rockwell as a cry for help. She asked, “What else can a girl do?” As it turns out, a girl can do more than that, because Goulding proceeded to fully undress, at which point she was arrested for public indecency.

These striking events have caused widespread unrest around the country. We as a community hope to God that no souls are harmed by Goulding’s concerning level of intelligence. Sources (Reddit) say Goulding is now in stable condition after being forced to remain clothed. Other sources, mainly Grimes’ private Twitter account, have postulated that Goulding is unfamiliar with her surroundings due to her Martian origins. This is an important point to acknowledge because, as always, we here at WatchMojo take conspiracy theories very seriously.

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