- Anthrax
- The pear of anguish
- 9 plagues already, how much worse could it get?
- The homer simpson percocet from the gas station floor
- A rather tame upbringing
- My Northern European roommate, Sven
- Pity from lames
- So much. I’ve been through so so much.
- Being 2016 thick at princeton
- Pop the balloon challenge
- Nobu
- but your dumbass isnt gonna 🤣
- the missus being on a Rutgers party flyer
- The hookah lounge business
- a concerning shift in the power dynamics of my intramural quidditch team
- the cuck chair in the 9/11 plane cockpit
- Nancy Reagan eating it off the boneee
- the protocols of the elders of zion
- 5th grade. SIXTH GRADE HERE WE COME!!!!
- A shark with. A gun
- the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire
- the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
- being hospitalized for approaching perfection
- hospitalizing the nearly-perfect man with a kick to the face
- the koreaboo allegations
- my troop leader
- drake. i was too old.
- Early onset baby fever
- boyfriend dick
- Having a boyfriend who joined the army after we broke up
- moderate to severe anorexia
- by jumping from a third story window into a haystack
- by eating the goldfish in the dentist office after I got locked inside
- the 2018 Sioux Falls Twerk-off
- the plandemic
- the car jerker
- by doing the kind of things that keep a man awake at night. you wouldn’t want to know.
- having a whole ass ki
- being Salman Rushdie’d at a Whig Clio debate
- Getting super glue on my hand and then getting stuck to a friend I dapped up
- a workplace accident and am seeking compensation
- hand stuff at my high school cross country team sleepover
- a piano falling on me and then an anvil
- keeping a daily kegel regimen
- what JFK couldn’t
- he/him lesbian discourse
- chet hanks white boy summer
- The tragedy of the commons
- a swinging axe booby trap designed to keep me from treasure
- peeling the COEXIST sticker off my subaru
- The full page chabad ad in my alternative weekly newspaper
- Being shot in the head and having my arms torn off and then being disemboweled then being put through electroshock therapy they shocked me like 50 times then they put me in a burning building then they drilled into my brain and there was blood everywhere they also broke my legs and pushed me down a hill
- the gynecologist asking if i feel dirty
- extenuating circumstances
- ‘Uncle Tricky’ (patrick, age 35) relapsing during parents weekend
- betraying your father. As I will survive betraying you.
- 5 shots in the back of a yellow cab
- A Hamilton flash mob