- One million push-ups.
- Read every book ever.
- Join a frat.
- Build a fort.
- Get a bold new haircut.
- Set fire to the rain.
- Lose 15-60 pounds.
- Lose appendix.
- Lose virginity.
- Make love.
- Make two people cry in one night.
- Show every naysayer your acceptance letter.
- Firmly solidify self-worth.
- Prepare to be demoralized.
- Get circumcised.
- Visit your friends in August to see what your life might have been like.
- Choose your major and complete all future independent work.
- Make summer 2014, ‘15, and ‘16 plans.
- Pay two hobos to fight each other.
- Own weed.
- Despair of all the unworthy males around you.
- Prepare to meet your husband.
- Reserve a date for your wedding in the Princeton Chapel.
- Watch A Beautiful Mind.
- Read This Side of Paradise.
- Get an Ivy passbook.
- Institute bicker in whatever high school organization you led to get into Princeton.
- Write a shitty high school paper so you get a sense of what grade deflation feels like.
- Seek out and befriend the most active people on the class of 2017 Facebook group.
- Go through the 2017 Facebook group and find all the hot girls in your grade.
- Send naked pictures of yourself to all the hot girls in your grade.
- Complain about how hard it is to choose between Harvard-Yale-Princeton-Stanford.
- Pretend you’re considering attending Duke over all of them.
- Sleep.
- Pull an all-nighter.
- Figure out “what you be.”
- Learn to say “a college in New Jersey,” you pretentious fuck.
- Learn how to pronounce the names of every major author and thinker.
- Learn names and faces of relevant upperclassmen.
- Learn your drinking limits.
- Transcend them, recover, and extend them.
- Pull another all-nighter just to see if you can.
- Cultivate a nascent interest in banking and consulting.
- Start a nonprofit that provides micro-loans to widowed women in Sub-Saharan Africa.
- Draw penises on your AP exam free response sections.
- Practice giving alumni donations.
- Get that boob job (or at least that boob internship).
- Put Ol’ Bandit down.
- Buy a pool full of liquor and dive into it.
- Check yourself before you wreck yourself.
- Sacrifice one lamb to the gods of Room Draw.
- Get blackout at preview weekend.
- Vomit in the back of a P-Safe car.
- Be sure to get outfits that will match your lanyard.
- When prompted for your music preferences on your housing form, put “insane clown posse.”
- Learn Amelie songs and Radiohead’s “Creep” on the piano and become comfortable playing them in public spaces, such as campus centers, all the time.
- Forget what beer is supposed to taste like.
- Start training for Cane Spree.
- Get your tongue pierced.
- Get your dick pierced.
- Get really good at masturbating.
- Wean yourself off breastfeeding.
- Reply all.
- Learn to speak squirrel.
- Master the Art of Seduction.
- Decide if you’re a Marnie, Hannah, Jessa, or Shosh and act accordingly.
- Find your Patronus.
- Pretend you really enjoyed reading Toni Morrison’s Beloved.
- Paint your cat with orange and black stripes.
- Listen to “Graduation (Friends Forever)”.
- Build a tolerance to gastroenteritis.
- Look directly at the sun for hours on end.
- Develop an interesting quirk that people will remember you by, like Tourette’s or loud chewing.
- Pull a dangerous senior prank and take credit publicly.
- Kill someone.
- Commit treason.
- Pack yourself snacks in case you get hungry.
- Develop a fake accent.
- Develop a signature catchphrase.
- Hit puberty.
- Come up with two truths and one lie.
- Take a gap year.
- Make your peace with death.
- Hose your front lawn, just for practice.
- Travel the world on a yacht with a mysterious rich man.
- Clear browsing data.
- Confess your sins.
- Start a company so that you can eventually drop out to focus on it.
- Write your autobiography.
- Join the Nass listserv during the activities fair so two years later you can email the entire listserv and ask be removed.
- Tell your mom you love her.
- Kiss your dad.
- Get to 2nd base with your dad.
- Turn your fear of bats into your greatest asset.
- Pine after a green light.
- Be the hero Princeton deserves, but not the one it needs right now.
- Learn to be an individual.
- Think realistically and clearheadedly about what you want to get out of college.
- Fall in love with Princeton.
- Eat dirt, freshman.
what………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….. u do all those and tell me when dem work…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….