Ah, astrology—this sacred art originated in the Fertile Crescent and endured through the epochs, from Ancient Greece and China to the Middle Ages. The geniuses of old who harnessed the power of leeches and mercury also embraced the wisdom of the stars. Why should we not follow in their hallowed footsteps? Princeton can be a place of immense pressure, siphoning your vivacity until you are a soulless husk bathed in shadow—let us bring you into the light of The Universe. Allow us to guide you on this journey across the cosmos, a journey into your mind, your heart, and your spirit. Welcome to NASStrology.
Sagittarius: November 22-December 21
You’re in luck, Sagittarius, because The Universe has a treat for you this week! Watch as the stars make your fantasies come to life. Maybe, just maybe, you’ll be trudging home from the audition for your proposed one-man-show, when your dirty Adidas step with a crunch onto something lying in the street. But this is no mere fallen leaf, indeed—it is a piece of paper, that holy grail of all pieces of paper. You’ve stumbled upon a blank TI pass. This is it– the moment you’ve been waiting for. You’ve trained for this, pined for this, spent hours gazing out the smudged window of Lewis dreaming of this. You know just what you’ll wear, just what you’ll say, just how you’ll strut through the sanctified doors of the club… But how will you measure up to the celestial creatures within? How can you possibly gain the approval of the crème de la crème of frattiness when you’re almond milk, at best? But don’t worry too much, Sagittarius. Just be (somewhat) true to yourself, and the rest will follow—the planets decree it.
Capricorn: December 22-January 19
Hey there Capricorn—gird your loins, because this week your star charts indicate that you’re in for a nasty shock. As Saturn enters retrograde, you should get ready to bear witness to a life-changing event. We can’t tell you exactly what will happen, but this week will be transformative in the worst way. Perhaps you’ll be sitting contentedly in J Street when suddenly, bing! goes your laptop as an email from the Honor Committee pops into your inbox. Ha, looks like you’re star-crossed this week! Or perhaps, at the end of a wild night out, as your cigar burns to a stub, you go to grab your coat. Yet, to your horror, you find a North Face parka where you had gently lain your beloved Canada Goose, leaving a gaping hole in your trust fund and your heart.The hands of fate could present you with any number of surprises this week, Capricorn, so don’t forget to stay vigilant.
Aquarius: January 20-February 18
Poor Aquarius… the planets have it in for you this week, my friend. According to the movement of the celestial bodies, you are going to lose something about which you care deeply. Perhaps, after a night spent screaming your heart out to the electro-indie-punk band at Terrace, you’ll wake up and attempt to croak good morning to your roommate. That’s right—you’ll lose your voice. Jupiter decrees it. But how will you, mere mortal, cope with this tragedy? How will you aggressively interrupt your teacher in the middle of lecture to point of those discrepancies in the above graph? How will you inform the dining hall staff that your chicken was grossly overcooked? How will you steal the show with your solo at the arch sing? It seems that The Universe is sending you a message: for once in your life, just shut the hell up.
Pisces: February 19-March 20
Hey Pisces, the planets have a surprise for you this week! You are going to receive something that you have long been waiting for. Perhaps you will receive a long-awaited message from mail services: you have a package in the mailroom. You’ll sprint to Frist, stumbling as the hem of your boyfriend jeans catches on your Birks. And there it is, in the package locker. The new limited-edition Fjällräven Kånken, printed with Drake’s face (ironically, of course, ‘cause you only listen to Tyler the Creator and Ra Ra Riot.) You ecstatically run your hands through your perfectly-messy bob haircut and place your belongings into this gorgeous new sack: your metal S’well bottle (plastic is immoral), your vaginal crystal egg (Goop never lies), and your quill (you don’t even carry around a laptop, you just scrawl on pages torn from the New Yorker). Ahhh, Pisces. This is sure to be a good week, for an authentic and down-to-earth individual like you. Thanks be to The Universe!
Aries: March 21-April 19
Mercury is ascending, so you know what that means. Aries, this week you’ll find yourself exuding charisma. You will practically be glowing, magnetic, luminous in your force of character. And your charms won’t go unrewarded, for one day, as you’re sitting in Rojo’s, sipping your oat milk cappuccino and reading your Kierkegaard, you’ll receive an unquestionable sign. This week, Mercury, you will be accepted into a cult. The stars can’t guarantee which cult it will be—maybe St. A’s, maybe P.D.P. Whatever it is, the results will be the same, and you will be cleansed in the light of the stars (and by cleansed, we mean brainwashed, of course). Some rituals are in order, naturally. Perhaps a long, philosophical talk with your fellow members about the free market. Or maybe Jupiter will inspire you—how about some human sacrifice? Or at least a sacrifice of all your clothes which weren’t thrifted, or of all your acquaintances who aren’t politically aware? Lucky you, Aries! With such an abundance of charisma this week, you’ll be sure to attract plenty of good karma!
Taurus: April 20-May 20
Mars is in the house, Taurus! Get ready for a wild ride. As you’re going to find yourself with more motivation than you’ve ever felt before. You will accomplish all of your goals this week – and you’re going to do the most. How extra can you be this week? How many internships can you apply for, even for jobs in which you have no interest whatsoever? Push it to the limit, and cast off those pesky inhibitions. Maybe you’ll reorganize your roommate’s underwear drawer, or you’ll arrange the communal snacks on a gradient from sweet to salty! Maybe you’ll tell that sexy orgo preceptor that his sweater vest is giving you a chemical reaction! Maybe you’ll finally inform your parents that you gave up on pre-med a couple of years ago! The possibilities are endless, and the campus is your oyster. Live your truth this week, Taurus – the stars smile down upon you.
Gemini: May 21-June 20
Gemini, are you okay? Just checking in, because this week is gonna be a rowdy one. Take it easy, because you just might find yourself in Wawa at 3:42 am, considerably inebriated from that Rugby pregame, with no hopes of improvement. Furthermore—and it hurts me to tell you this—the situation only gets worse from here. Because as you’re paying for your whopping order of three chicken quesadillas, buffalo mac and cheese, and a chocolate milkshake, you realize something… You try to pay with your prox, but funnily enough, it doesn’t work. You’re shocked, you’re indignant, and you’re confused. Since when did Wawa buy into capitalism? The planets will chuckle as you realize you left your wallet at home. Your order gets called, but alas, you must abandon it. Stomach empty and heart heavy, you trudge home. But look on the bright side, Gemini—your digestive system will surely thank you in the morning. Make sure to take of yourself this week, Gemini, and don’t let those minor inconveniences get you down!
Cancer: June 21- July 22
Cancer, the stars are in your favor this week. We know you’re always studying in Frist, but put the books down for a hot minute and look at the world around you! You might just meet a future love interest along the way; perhaps in the line at late meal, or even at Charter Friday. Open your heart this week—and your mind. If someone from the James Madison Society (or even the Prince, ew) strikes a nerve with you, listen to what they have to say. You just might gain a new perspective! Perhaps a cute boy in a tweed blazer will whisper sweet nothings into your ear. Alas, he’s a member of the Anscombe Society, and those whispers might be more along the lines of “I practice abstinence.” But hey, Cancer, anything can happen when the moon is entering your sign!
Leo: July 23- August 22
Leo, fasten your seatbelt, because Venus is ascending. Picture this, you’re swiping on Tinder before bed, as you do, when all of a sudden, you see it. That’s right, not the guy you hooked up with during frosh week whose name you forgot. Not that one cute girl you always see across the reading room in Firestone. Not even your cute Astro preceptor. There it is. That fateful name. Your RCA. Your first instinct is to swipe left immediately, but some peculiar feeling stops you. Whether you swipe right or not is up to you—but just know that you’re in for some steamy conversations, and age is just a number, baby. Keep an open mind this week, Leo! You never know how The Universe might surprise you.
Virgo: August 23- September 22
I hate to say it Virgo, but Mercury is in retrograde for you this week, so you know what that means. You’re in the middle of grinding in Firestone on your art history paper due next week, when you suddenly doze off. I don’t blame you- the seats in the Tower are comfy as hell, and Real Estate’s new album is soothing enough to put anyone to sleep. Suddenly, you wake up with a jolt, and your heart hits your stomach. That’s right. It’s 3 in the morning. You don’t know how it happened, but it did. You’re an urban legend; you’ve been locked in Firestone for the night. But wait Virgo, it’s not all bad. Not all hope is lost! Make lemonade out of lemons. Go streaking in the stacks. Pee on the C Floor. Hey, you might even find Eisgruber’s weather machine while you’re down there. This week, Virgo, you’ll learn to make the most of a bad situation!
Libra: September 23- October 22
Libra, prepare yourself, because Mars is in retrograde, so you’re going to encounter a major challenge this week, an obstacle that threatens your Core Beliefs. And you, Libra, are an idealistic young one—you don’t take your beliefs lightly, and when they’re challenged you fight back with a raging fury. This week, you just might be sitting in Café Viv, happily sipping your soy milk cappuccino and passing the time before your Young Democratic Socialists meeting, when you hear someone at the neighboring table say, “I was triggered.” You jump up, spilling coffee on your Bernie t-shirt, your heart pounding with the strength of Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s gavel. And you just TEAR the bigot to SHREDS, screaming, citing Marx, and turning heads. When your pitiful nemesis is sufficiently punished, they leave in tears and the café staff asks you to leave, because you were disturbing the peace or some BS like that. This will not be the last they see of you—just wait ‘til you write a passionate article in the Prog about this catastrophe. The Universe loves your passion this week, Libra—but maybe think about keeping the volume down.
Scorpio: October 23- November 21
Hey there Scorpio. Everyone says you’re the worst Zodiac sign, but that’s because they don’t really knowyou. You’re deep. You’re complex. You have a lot of emotions. Chances are, you’re a German major. This week, though, the stars aren’t quite in your favor. You’ve been prepping all week for that massive Philosophy presentation you have, and it’s finally the fateful day. You’re nervous, so you reach into your artfully scratched messenger bag to pull out your Juul (you only buy Creme Brulée pods, because mango is sooo very gauche). But where your dear nicotine phix usually is, there’s an empty pouch. This can’t be true. This can’t be real life. You stomp your foot and go back to your dorm, skipping Philosophy in the process. Plato can wait, but your addiction certainly cannot. Don’t let the haters get you down Scorpio. The planets get you.