1. Natalee Holloway. 2. James Taylor, and the giant pussies who love James Taylor. 3. Wasps who give “spiels”. 4. My roommates using my Ann Coulter poster as a jizz-rag. 5. That one kid who finished Infinite Jest. 6. Vaguely … Read More
1. Graph humor 2. “Does America Have Too Many Nurses or Not Enough?”: _The Slatest_ 3. Visual learners 4. Trail blazers 5. People who are culturally insensitive to my opinions 6. The disgusting cover letter and resume I sent to … Read More
Mardi Gras never defined my image of New Orleans. To me Mardi Gras was a cliché that was not quite rooted in a city so steeped in two things above all else: food and jazz. Mardi Gras was to New Orleans like a Carnivale mask, worn on one night and then discarded.
100 things the staff of the Nass doesn’t want to see again next year: So much self-loathing staring back out of the mirror My love handles My puffy cheeks My cankles Food My third nipple Uncircumcised penises Uncircumcised vaginas The … Read More
In our modern age, technology has made it so that the visually impaired are able to partake in many of the same activities as anyone else. Text-to-speech programs, which narrate a website, make it easy to browse the web. There … Read More
“‘Ere we come, ‘ere we come, ‘ere we come to eat some snacks!” That’s the song you sing as you roll your way to the feeding tubes, you glutinous masses of orca-fat-fattened lard-balls! And what do you have to say for yourselves? Nothing, because your mouths are blocked up by the pendulous weight of your sagging cheeks and you have forgotten all words except “more” and “a little bit more” and “perhaps just another dollop.”
We at The Nass are in the business of maintaining our cherished readership’s happiness in all walks of life, and with Valentine’s Day a recent but no less traumatic event of the past, we understand how draining (both emotionally and … Read More
It came to (and, it should be noted, faded from) the national attention that San Diego resident John Corcoran taught high school in California for 17 years without being able to read, write, or spell. A college graduate, Corcoran’s secret … Read More
Oh Gross. We accidentally just looked at you and your fatness grossed us out. Big time. Well, because we here at the Nassau Weekly are bonded together by a spirit of philanthropy and kindness, we are going to give you what you so desperately need: A brand new diet.