Dear Zach & Ben,

I raised two healthy Neopets, but they remain uncircumcised. Have I forsaken my heritage by neglecting to bring “ghhostrider” and “3dw4rd Cu113n” into the covenant?

Signed,

Lover of 4skin (4chan)

Dear 4skin,

Hey, Abraham didn’t do it til he was 90, so they’re probably fine. Although we’re not quite sure what 90 is in Neopet years. You do raise some interesting anatomical questions, though. We’ve never been to a bris, but it’s hard to imagine the logistics of a neopet circumcision. Do you use Neopet scissors? Do you still give your Neopets a drop of wine to ease the pain? Where do you dispose of the Neopet’s. . . well. . . Aren’t all Neopets being circumcised these days? I hear it’s more sanitary.

On another note, a true 90s Jewish kid knows the struggle of raising a healthy Neopet. You couldn’t get online to feed it during Shabbos. That probably makes Neopets the worst fed Jewish children.

Best,

Zach & Ben

Dear Zach & Ben

How do I land myself a nice Jewish boy?

Signed,

Gossip Goy

Dear Gossip Goy,

First of all, you have to have an in with his grandmother. If you have her approval, the rest is clockwork. You can do this by approaching her at synagogue and complementing the way her over-applied lipstick matches the light-purple overcoat you’ve never seen her not wearing. Mention that you enjoy cooking brisket with your mother on Friday nights (again, this is for our grandmothers, not us) and you’re golden.  

Next you need to win his heart. Laugh at the joke that he’s clearly just reciting from one of his AEPi pledge brothers (even though about 85 percent of the time, they will not be funny) and you’re good to go. Beyond that, all you need is a little chutzpah and there’s really not much magic to winning a Jewish boy’s heart. Smearing homemade hummus all over your body wouldn’t hurt either.

Or you could just call us. We’re single 😉

Chag Sameach,

Zach & Ben

Dear Zach & Ben

The guy I want to hook up with wears a yarmulke all the time…what’s the etiquette in a sexual situation? Do I take the yarmulke off when I take off his clothes or would that be inappropriate?

Signed,

Sexy Secular

Dear Sexy,

Like in our study of the Talmud, we encourage a stimulating, but cooperative discussion. Bounce some ideas off each other. Does he want you to take off the yarmulke? Would it enhance his pleasure to leave it on? Maybe it’s a weird fetish thing. That would be our guess.

Alternatively, you could really get him in the mood by guessing exactly which bar mitzvah he got the yarmulke from in his childhood. If you guess correctly, you’ll have more power over him than the Jews have over the mainstream media (see zioncrimefactory.com/jew-world-order/ for more information).

Anyways, it’s important to remember the purpose of the yarmulke when critically analyzing this situation. The kippah was introduced as a prayer object for Jewish men to wear, so as to almost shield themselves from the divinity of God. So whether or not you take off your man’s yarmulke doing the do, remember, just like the photo of your mother you forgot to turn around before you started, God is watching.

Yom Ha’atzmaut,

Zach & Ben

P.S., as my rabbi always says, if the yarmulke falls off the head while you’re in bed, everyone had a good time.

Dear Zach & Ben

Am I a bad person if I’m not Jewish but I go to Shabbat on Fridays so that I can get wine-drunk?

Signed,

Sloppy Schleper

Dear Loser,

If you can get drunk off of CJL wine, you might as well start calling yourself Jewish right now. I think that answers this question. On a more serious note, you might want to ask yourself why you’re getting wine drunk at Shabbat. Is it a crushing course load? Are your parents in good health? Are you at unease about the infinitely complex, yet still un-dissected social dynamic of the CJL dining hall during Shabbat dinner? Because we are.

We want you to make good choices—on Shabbat and in life in general—whether or not you’re Jewish. Here are some suggestions for steps you can take towards life improvement.

Go on a long walk around Lake Carnegie. If you schedule it yearly for right after Taschlich, you can pick the challah bits off the bank of the shore and eat them, quietly and contemplatively.

Smoke a joint in the green room (the one in the CJL, specifically).

Spice up your sex life by roll playing as Eisgruber and a freshman at office hours. Your mother can’t even be mad since he’s technically Jewish.

Spice up your sex life by roll playing as Dean Dolan and a freshman at office hours Don’t worry since she’s definitely Jewish.

Go to chabad. The wine’s better.

Trail an Orange Key tour and legitimize your feelings of belonging, knowing that thousands of high school students yearn for your position.

Always say the Sh’mah before bedtime.

Boker Tov,

Zach & Ben

Dear Zach & Ben,

You up?

In Kings I, King David laid, old and sick, covered in cloth yet not preserving any bodily heat. His servants sought for a beautiful woman. They found Abishag, who laid in David’s bosom and gave him heat, bringing him comfort in his bed.

Which is to say: “Yeah, roommate’s out. Come over?”

Zach & Ben