The Sellout Issue

May 23, 2024

Telescoping Melt

A much celebrated and reviled Nass tradition. To telescope, writers write a brief 300 word piece on a theme (this year, “melt”). Then, a 150 word piece. Then, 75 words. Then, 37 and a half. You’ll see.

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The Sellout Issue: Full Design

Wow, wow, wow, what a semester of The Nass. Here’s our last one. 

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Pitching Ideas Over Boxed Wine: Former Nass Editor Harold Parker ‘08 Reminisces

A Nass alum on the late-night, wine-fueled energies that continue to power the magazine

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Nunokawa in his office. Photo by Frankie Duryea ‘26.

Jeff Nunokawa Has Nothing to Lose

A Second Look contributor profiles an English professor who really needs no introduction

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My Month on Meat

“Don’t you think that things can be made special by being indescribable? That there’s a certain divinity in that?”

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Nass Recommends: The Princeton French Film Festival

A Nass Contributor, who does not speak French, attends this year’s screenings

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What We Know

Meditations on learning Farsi at Princeton, with the department’s only professor

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Letter from the Editor

One or several elephants: this final issue’s back cover, which looks like a full-page ad for PNC bank because it is. We’d ask that you hereafter refrain from calling The Nass anything other than PNC Bank Presents the Nassau Weekly. … Read More

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Verbatim

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Overheard in Kwanza Jones Hall

People-pleaser with a streak of narcissism: If people ask me to do something I am often too flattered to say no.

Overheard over Cap lunch

PTL GSS Senior: Burrata is the manliest cheese.

Overheard on Murray Dodge Vegan Day

Voice of reason: Just make shortbread. The people will thank you for being brave.

Overheard in the CJL

Just declared SPIA: Athens, the land of my people.

Greek: Are you half Greek?

Just declared SPIA: No. I just believe in democracy.

Overheard during the last week of classes

Upper-class professor: What’s your plan for next year?

Upper-class senior: Probably some unserious grad program.

Upper-class professor: Well, there are plenty of those. Just make sure it’s paid. Paid grad programs are welfare for the upper class.

Overheard in VIS seminar

Millennial dudebro professor: I had a friend in high school, we called her 'Sniggles,' because she laughed with her lips closed… like… teee heeee… heee hee heee…

Overheard in Civil Liberties

Robert George: The way he came up to me in a fuck ass bob and straight up asked me what kind of gay I was…it was the highlight of my night.

Overheard while discussing literature

Aroused, yet learned academic: He’s some sort of existential masturbator. 

Overheard in pitch meeting

Editor of the Nassau Weekly: My family hires Amish people because they're cheap.

Overheard in Firestone, C Floor

11th-year grad student: The only reason we’re not insane right now is truly just a lack of imagination.

Overheard in SLA345

Professor recounting his weekend: I gave a little speech comparing marriage to the Soviet Gulag.

Overheard over cereal

Cereal snob, side-eyeing M&Ms in milk: It’s okay what you’ve done.