President Eisgruber’s Holiday Card

November 23, 2014


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Overheard in 1901-Laughlin

Junior Theta: I would never do butt stuff. Like, never. Like, you would have to pay me $1,000 dollars to do butt stuff.

Overheard in Campus Club

Econ major, to other econ major: I just feel like I already know people are struggling in the world. I don’t need to hear about it anymore.

Overheard by Patton

Jewish man: If it were up to me, all my roommates would’ve done a Secret Santa fleshlight exchange last year.

Overheard at TI

Ultimate SWUG: Can I dry clean my sweatpants?

Overheard in Jones

Thesis advisor to ex-Theta, ex-Ivy member: Do you have any friends?

Overheard in Henry House

Male guest lecturer: I met my husband at 4 am on the dance floor, rolling my tits off...I think I would have fallen in love with a tree at that point.

Overheard in HIS 322 precept

Girl 1: Yeah, people died in the snow storm in upstate New York.
Girl 2: Like, old people or like, real people?

Overheard in Firestone

Terran 1: Well, at least she’s better than his previous girlfriend.
Terran 2, incredulously: Who was his previous girlfriend? A fleshlight with googly eyes that talked to him?

Overheard in Frist

Nass senior: Part of me was like, “What if I’m human trafficked?” but then the other part of me was like, “What if it’s a birthday present?”

Overheard outside Dillon

Standard white girl: I’m just a standard white girl.

Overheard in New York

JP Morgan employee: There were far too many carbs there for a gay networking event.

Overheard in Cottage

WWS Senior: The UN is more responsive to me than my thesis advisor.

Overheard in Terrace

Girl, thoughtfully: Well, I guess anyone can 69.

Overheard at Ivy Inn

PFA junior, sipping first beer: Milk just tastes better.

Overheard at Casino Night

Ivy Theta, to TI Theta: You’re too beautiful to be in TI!!

Overheard outside Frist

Dude on phone, recounting weekend: Yeah, I was talking into a chicken tender, and dipped my phone in honey mustard.

Overheard on the Street

TI senior: And that’s how they made up: horse tranquilizers.

Overheard in Bloomberg

Ivy senior: I mean, people have been fingered on the dance floor at Ivy.
BodyHype senior: But that’s discreet. That’s like pick-pocketing, almost.