Kinder Garden

April 26, 2015

Peer Review

Since the beginning of time, editors at The Nassau Weekly have taken their pens to each other’s Common Application Essays. And yes, The Nassau Weekly has been around since the beginning of time. Here, in the billionth incarnation of this … Read More

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Orderliness

I am starting to become unsure about nonsense

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We Are The Walrus

My father and John Lennon.

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Exfoliation

Each morning I watch my form reflected in the mirror

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Reading Between the Yard Lines

Sex and product placement in Big Sean’s “I Don’t Fuck With You” music video.

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Makkot 25a

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Revelations

The spirituality of sightseeing.

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Why Imma Do Me

Homer, homogeny, and the timeless value of individualism

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Verbatim

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Overheard in POL 346

Professor Wasow: I'm sure someone has done a political model of good sex.

Overheard in Frist

Dude: Nah man, I got it figured out now. You just gotta get a bottle big enough to put your dick in.

Overheard outside McCormick

Girl, lounging on bench, talking on phone: So this weekend, we have this thing called Sunday Funday, which is like this big day party where we all pretend to be Southern!

Overheard in Laughlin

Junior nutritionist: I used to think Kind Bars were healthy, but then I realized they're basically Kältein bars.

Overheard on iMessage

Dastardly Terran: I have a blister from opening too many condoms.

Overheard in the Women’s Center

Southern boy: The last time I cried was when I watched the movie Lincoln. I don't know, I just really love America.

Overheard in Frist

Daily Prince Columnist: I just don't have an opinion on this, so I'm writing a column about it.

Overheard on date

Terrace senior, to girlfriend: Your hair smells like a candy factory, except not with all the parts that violate international labor laws.

Overheard in Forbes

BodyHype senior: I'm gonna adopt 15 kids. They're gonna be all different races and each of them is gonna wear a different color sweater.

Overheard in Frist at 2am

TI senior girl: Do you wanna live in regret? Or do you wanna live in Sunday Funday?

Overheard in Mathey Dining Hall

Cannon sophomore, on horses: I rode them once, and was like, "this is an ineffective means of transportation."

Overheard in Terrace

Senior, on drug dealer: This dude is so professional! He gives me weed in a fucking cell phone box in a Target bag.

Overheard in Rural Massachusetts

Man: I don't mean to toot my own horn...but I am a great goat midwife.

Overheard in Writing Seminar

Girl: What's that one word that means "parodoxical dichotomy?"

Overheard in Wu

Politically aware girl: Feminism is sort of like communism.

Overhead in Ivy

Junior Pi Phi: Who else is gay that I've hooked up with?