Happy Valentine’s Day!

February 12, 2004

Can I Read Marxist Theory in Starbucks and Not Go to Hell?

I am perhaps the only card-carrying socialist who will admit that he loves Starbucks. My leftist friends, even the ones who aren’t nearly as active as I am, find this sort of behavior revolting. I’m already on probation for being a Zionist, saying that the left doesn’t know all the answers to war and peace, and being chummy with the bureaucrats in Nassau Hall.

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One Word, One Heart

Walking through the offices of Clure Concept Inc., twenty stories above the throbbing midtown traffic of a Tuesday afternoon, the scene is typical. Phones purr behind cubicle walls, young execs file out of transparent conference rooms. These hurried sharp-lookers could be selling insurance or optical fibers, analyzing market data or brokering mergers.

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Nassau Street

Junior Travis Muir began writing his novel Thomasovitch, to be released in August by The American Book Press, shortly after arriving on campus freshman year

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The Tale of the Cake Nazi

I haven’t ever written for the Nassau Weekly. But I have wanted to get this story off of my chest for quite some time, and it has somehow managed not to find a way into any of the other campus newspapers and magazines.

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The Monologues

A wise man once (last week) asked me to explain something to him without using any vowels. A bit daunted, I found the task impossible and instead opted to point at a body part and back away. Yet days later, still inspired by this man’s intellectually stimulating challenge, I considered trying to write this article without using the word “vagina.

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The Girl of My Dreams, and My Nightmares Too

Junior year, I was losing fights with acne, schoolwork, and my love life. But then I started working out and following my dermatologist’s orders. One day during a heat wave, I wore a wife-beater (and my newly clear skin) to school, and the ugly duckling became a swan.

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Verbatim

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Overheard upstairs at Charter

Young Woman: Take off that turtleneck, hot stuff.
Young Man: Anything you say, baby.
Young Woman: Why're you wearing a second turtleneck underneath your turtleneck?
Young Man: Have you lost interest yet?

Overheard at ivy club during initiations

jewish guy 1: dude there are so many hot girls i want to have sex with here
jewish guy 2: i just want to have sex with the club
jewish guy 3: well, jewish guy 2, if you had a drill you could make hole in the floor over there and go at it

Overheard at the Nurse’s Desk at McCosh

Nurse: Let's try this again- why do you want me to "slather" your chest with Vick's Vap-O-Rub?
Freshman: Because I lost my allergy medicine and I'm congested.
Nurse: You're lying.
Freshman: Can't you at least pats me tummy?

Overheard in Mathey dining hall

so he'd try to trick me sometimes. he'd be kissing me lower and lower and then i'd be like, no no i get what you're trying to do.

Overheard in Wu Dining Hall

Guy 1: You need to find a girl or you'll be going out with your right hand
for life.
Guy 2: But living in a world of fantasy porn is so much fun!