Fall of the Tea Party

December 3, 2016


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Overheard on iMessage

Bereft freshman: I’ve literally watched YouTube videos to try to help with pill swallowing techniques.

Overheard at Thanksgiving dinner

13 year old, sarcastically: But global warming is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese.
Gary Johnson voter: No. It was Al Gore.

Overheard in an Uber

Goldman Sachs analyst: We already fired our affirmative action hire.

Overheard at office hours

Distinguished professor, picking up phone: Hey baby, how you doing?
Female voice on phone, with heavy New York accent: Hey baby, how YOU doing?

Overheard in Frist

After casino night, sophomore girl in front of honey mustard: Really, that’s your guys’ favorite position?
[Later] Same girl, earnestly: Do I have a nice butt to fuck from behind?

Overheard in Rocky

Male student: I just realized that when I tell a female friend i want to have a threesome with her and her boyfriend, what I really mean is I want to fuck her boyfriend.

Overheard on iMessage

Socialite: I cut my coke nails they were affecting my ability to work not that i work

Overheard in Terrace

Female engineer: I did an ab routine yesterday. I was very confused.

Overheard during Thanksgiving

Young man: I want to watch football.
WASPy mother, horrified: No, no. That’s common.

Overheard in Prospect House

Dignified elderly man: The only reason people join politics in Brazil is to get dick.

Overheard in Terrace

Former officer: All my problems will be solved once I get back on Tinder.

Overheard in the Rocky common room

Single freshman: I really need to be fucking somebody with a foot fetish, because all I would need to do is put my foot in their face, get a foot massage, and then I could go to sleep.

Overheard in Witherspoon

Short freshman male: When I do group projects, I always end up being a dominatrix.

Overheard in Rocky dining hall

Female student: The first time I had sex, I didn’t really know what it was. I didn’t realize that there was work involved.

Overheard in Holder

Gymnast: Oh, I thought it was a large flaccid penis, but it’s actually a dog.

Overheard in Butler

Loveless sophomore: I’d love to find a trophy wife and then just not marry her.