Ivy senior: Empathy? Is that a thing?
Future State Department official: Also, I care about rights, or whatever.
Freshman: Frist does look like a pretty cool place to chill...watch sports...
Prof. Borneman: Yoko Ono’s music, it’s very feminine. It’s almost as though she were singing from her vagina.
Prof. Brodsky: Please God strike me dead where I stand the first time I take a selfie.
Bro: I have a tolerance like Dionysus.
Parrty-goer: idk I spent my summer in Nepal doing some shit.
Correction: An earlier version of a summary with this article misstated the former title of Dick Cheney. He was vice president, not president.
Tower member, proudly: I can say confidently that it was the worst sex she will have in her entire life.
Learned sophomore: When I was 16, I’m pretty sure I thought oral sex was when you talked about it.
Middle aged man with a ponytail: No fucking old bitches for me. That’s a fact.
TI junior: The U-Store was out of dice so I bought Yahtzee instead.
Girl: No, I know what you mean. All my friends in high school were prettier than me, too.
Freshman girl, to Ivy junior: teach me how to vomit
Knowledgeable freshman to confused freshman: No, it’s like a party you go to before the party, like a pre-party.
Joyce Carol Oates: What *is* a summer?
Ex-hotel employee, on former em- ployer: Fuck that shit. In five years, imma get rich, go back there, and fuck prostitutes.
Theta: What happened to that threesome you were invited to?
Gay junior: It was a foursome. And I was uninvited because I didn’t want to smoke crystal meth.