He heard her coming down the hall before she knocked. He knew it was her from the quick steps and soft humming. When he opened the door, she took off her glasses and left them on his desk. Her glasses and her nails were red. So were her shoes and wallet and tattoo. He knew what her favorite color was without her telling him. He knew several things he wished he didn’t.

She used to pass by his window on her way home from class. He used to imagine walking beside her, the top of her head in his periphery. He used to think they’d have a lot to talk about, but it didn’t bother him when they didn’t. He’d stopped making his bed after the fourth time she came over. She didn’t mention it then, and she didn’t say anything now. She pulled the covers back how she liked it. They took their clothes off. He put on a shirt after, and she held onto his sleeve. He leaned his head into her shoulder, and she smelled like outside air and bubblegum. He was old enough to know she wasn’t what he wanted. But if she had asked him something then, he would’ve answered any way she liked. He thought he could fall asleep in her arms, but then she whispered she was leaving. Don’t go, he said, but she said she had to. Then why’re you holding onto me? 

She laughed and patted his chest. Then she pulled away from him all at once, and the scent of her left him. She started to put on her clothes. He stared at her through the hair falling over her face. She was smiling. She hadn’t stopped smiling since she got here. He wanted her to stop. He’d known her for months and hadn’t seen her cry yet. The closest could’ve been when her grandfather passed and she left for a weekend. Then she was back on a Monday and smiling when she saw him in a stairwell. He wondered what she looked like when her cheeks were splotchy and her eyes got red. Maybe when she cried, she’d want him to hold her. Maybe then, when she didn’t want to let go, he would make her. 

She took her hair out of her sweater and put her glasses back on. He knew she was a good person without ever having taken her on a date. Because he knew it, he almost asked her to stop smiling like that. He wanted to tell her that it made her look easy, like she’d bend whichever way the world wanted her to. When she turned to open the door, he saw the back of her hair was tangled. He knew he could make her happy, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to. He watched her leaving. The air fraught with silence made her pause. She looked back at him, and her eyes searched his face. He wanted to pull her to him and tell her that whatever was wrong would be right. He wanted her to come to him without him having to ask. He wanted all of this and none of it. 

He thought of when the weather was warm and he would see her lying on the green. She read there often. Sometimes she slept. She was all he could see in the throngs of people throwing things and moving. He remembered so badly wanting to be alone with her, but now he couldn’t recall why. He felt like he was nearing the end of a book he couldn’t put down. The kind that took the life out of the world around him when he read it, so he couldn’t see anything but the words in front of him. He took a long look at her. When he was getting to the end of those books, he’d somehow find himself in a rush. It was like he knew the ending would be good, so he wanted it all the more. She bit the inside of her cheek. He could tell she was holding in a thought, but he didn’t want her to say it. One of those books was on the shelf behind her. At the end of it, he’d flicked through the last pages so quickly that the words blurred together. She opened her mouth and shut it again. He realized he’d forgotten how it ended.

She asked him if he was okay. Yeah, of course. After she’d gone, he’d fall asleep and wake up hungry. You’ll text me? she asked. He’d eat breakfast and think of her on the way to class. I’ll text you, he said, but he wouldn’t. She’d text him after dinner, and he wouldn’t respond. He wouldn’t pick up her calls until she stopped the next week. Sometimes he’d regret it. But for the most part he’d forget her. 

She nodded and closed the door behind her. She was still smiling when she left.