Some of our esteemed fellow publications within the literary Eden that is this campus have recently brought their keen eyes to sex, and what it is like to have it. They have prompted us to consider how it is similar to and different from “a non-consensual back rub,” “a bunch of furry parts superglued together,” “a coerced game of chess,” “my grabbing your hand and slapping you with it while yelling ‘stop hitting yourself,’”  “my forcibly but platonically sticking my thumb in your mouth.” In previous years, other publications have wondered if it may or may not be like “a steak.” At the Nassau Weekly, we know what sex is. Following are 107 things that sex with the Nassau Weekly staff is exactly like:

1. Rolling down a grassy hill even though you know you’ll get itchy later
2. Holding hands, but for married people
3. Running up a down escalator
4. Falling down an up escalator
5. When a bee stops to drink nectar and gets pollen on its leg and then it goes to another flower and the pollen rubs off on that flower’s stigma
6. A box of chocolates
7. Getting to the cave and finding Jesus gone
8. A bench
9. A neon sign reading “PIZZA”
10. Uncapping a bottle of beer by angling it against a table and hitting it when it was actually a twist-off
11. Going to H&M
12. When a dog sticks her head out the window of a truck to let the wind blow in her face, and another dog is doing the same thing in another truck, and they smell each other
13. A high five, but not with your hands
14. Flossing your teeth
15. THETA: IS IT IN YƟU?
16. THETA: IS IT IN YET?
17. Spinning really fast on a stool in a diner
18. Voting against your own country’s independence
19. Adjusting the reed in your bassoon
20. An anise swallowtail butterfly after its fifth instar, preparing to emerge from its chrysalis
21. A retweet by someone you respect
22. Doing laundry
23. Cooking a casserole
24. Swallowing sadness
25. Clash of the colleges
26. A bat mitzvah
27. A Train song
28. A baby eating a lemon for the first time
29. Reaching expectantly into an empty box of tissues
30. Foraging for mushrooms, blindfolded
31. Finally removing that piece of lettuce caught in your teeth
32. Trying on someone else’s glasses
33. Mary-Kate and Ashley’s Holiday in the Sun
34. Two-wheel drive
35. When the hot boy studying across from you in the library brings his hands to his mouth and you watch him, ready to tell him “bless you” and then he only coughs, shooting you a quizzical look
36. Touching E.T.’s finger
37. Touching E.T.’s penis
38. Taking out someone’s contact lenses for them
39. Kirby
40. “Ocean Avenue” by Yellowcard
41. When you really want a song on Pandora and then it plays the live version and you accept it
42. Putting coins in your piggybank and then breaking it a few hours later
43. Adding mayonnaise to your sandwich
44. Watching a movie with your parents, but instead of being “with your parents” you’re with someone who has not given you the miracle of life and instead of “watching a movie” you’re having sex
45. Peeing in the shower
46. Putting a toilet paper roll back on its holder
47. Trying to get your shoelace back in the hole when the aglet is gone
48. A Gogurt
49. Trying to impress your preceptor
50. Watching a raindrop slide down the car window, slowly, tortuously, before engulfing another raindrop
51. Purchasing an Ikea bed called SPERKFLAN
52. Constructing a piece of Ikea furniture
53. A Slip’N Slide
54. A wedgie
55. A wedgie, but when your underwear is instead human genitalia
56. Peeling Velcro reaaal slowly off a light-up sneaker
57. Class warfare
58. Successfully disposing of a body
59. Getting to know each other slowly, developing a mutual friendship and respect before confessing your feelings
60. Watching in horror as a python unhinges its jaw to swallow a deer whole
61. Burly men heave-hoing sacks of flour
62. Ray J’s other profession
63. Nelly’s bandaid
64. hangin with your mom
65. Tight boxer briefs
66. Taking NJ Transit
67. That first breath of air when you break the water’s surface
68. Drowning
69. Making yourself vomit while blackout
70. Meryl Streep reading a Philip Roth novella
71. The first time you ever heard Drake sing
72. Finally earning the respect of your father
73. The summer of 2009, back when Becky still loved you
74. Bicker, but with penetration.
75. A white girl squirming as you say the word “moist” over and over
76. Falling into the sky without time passing you by
77. When your parents leave you to wait in line at the register, and the next person’s groceries are almost done scanning, and suddenly it’s just you and a cashier staring at you expectantly
78. Getting an acceptable SAT score
79. Realizing that someone replaced the one-ply toilet paper with two-ply in a certain stall
80. Opening the dryer to touch your warm laundry
81. Posters falling on you in the middle of the night
82. A smile from old Aaron Carter
83. Touching her in the blind dark, you alone in the universe, united, fleetingly
84. The smell of French fries on your friend’s breath
85. Borrowing an iPhone charger
86. An email signature
87. Sinking teeth into meat
88. Knowing all the codes to the women’s bathrooms
89. Inserting a footnote
90. A Footnote inserting you
91. Deleting Facebook
92. Kneeling at the altar of an angry god
93. Sleeping on your stomach with one leg bent, one leg extended
94. A Lana del Rey song
95. Rain, on your wedding day
96. A free ride, when you’ve already paid
97. The good advice, that you just didn’t take
98. A traffic jam, when you’re already late
99. A no smoking sign, on your cigarette break
100. Ten thousand spoons, when all you need is a knife
101. Meeting the man of your dreams, then meeting his beautiful wife
102. That little Dutch boy who plugged a dike with his finger and saved Holland
103. Being removed from the Nassau Weekly email list
104. The Hokey Pokey
105. Locking yourself inside of a carrel
106. A prayer
107. How every single YA novel told you it would be