1. My mom has the key to my chastity belt.
  2. You should really lose your virginity to another virgin.
  3. I am a never-nude.
  4. I’m crowning.
  5. I’M ON THE PHONE!!!!
  6. Mars is bright tonight.
  7. We’re on our periods.
  8. I have a chode.
  9. I’d rather masturbate.
  10. It is my wedding night and I am marrying someone else.
  11. When you got your penis out it screamed.
  12. I banged your roommate.
  13. You banged your roommate.
  14. You’re literally banging your roommate right now.
  15. My preceptor wants to Skype.
  16. You’re my preceptor.
  17. Not until you take off that clown mask.
  18. Not unless you’re wearing a clown mask.
  19. Not until I take off my flesh mask.
  20. I’m a cyborg and I don’t have those parts.
  21. My cat is always watching.
  22. You never let my cat watch.
  23. I’m actually just an apple pie.
  24. I literally don’t even know how.
  25. I’ve had sex four times this week I’ll explain.
  26. I’m saving myself for BodyHype.
  27. I’m your rebound after a hot pocket.
  28. I’m trying to keep Kosher.
  29. Condoms aren’t eco-friendly.
  30. I forgot my other penis.
  31. I JUST reupholstered my pussy.
  32. I haven’t started the camera yet.
  33. I feel like the first time should be special.
  34. Officer, I know I said “fuck the police” but that’s not what I meant.
  35. I’m a little boy.
  36. It’s the fifties and we’re not supposed to.
  37. I don’t know what that means. If you like, I can search the web for, “Siri, have sex with me.”
  38. I got really sick eating all those jelly beans I got from that jelly bean counting competition.
  39. My penis is on loan from the Smithsonian.
  40. Your favorite Beatle is Yoko.
  41. I had to avenge my father’s ghost!
  42. Princess Diaries II is having a marathon on TBS.
  43. I have to tend to my chia pet.
  44. You won’t let me pet your chia.
  45. You won’t let me tend your chia pet.
  46. I sold my penis to get you that hair clip you always wanted… but you sold your hair to buy me that penis clip I’ve always wanted!
  47. My heart has always belonged to the sea.
  48. I am heavy with child.
  49. I belong to Artemis.
  50. I’m trapped in a carrel.
  51. I’m having my bed redone.
  52. You smell like my grandmother .
  53. You smell like my orthodontist.
  54. You’re an orientalist.
  55. You smell like me and quite frankly it is much too unsettling.
  56. I’m Nicki & you are Wayne/Drake.
  57. I’m not outgoing so we’ve never met.
  58. Help.
  59. You fingered me like an idiot so you’re probably bad at sex too.
  60. I don’t have sex on the thirteenth date.
  61. I’m a eunuch.
  62. I’m astoundingly fertile.
  63. You don’t proofread.
  64. My bed is covered in fine cheetos dust, like a snowfall, and it’s too beautiful to disturb.
  65. I’m wearing a trench coat under this trench coat.
  66. I’m still a bit tender.
  67. I’m trying to cultivate my social media brand.
  68. You have a package at Mail Services.
  69. Hey Tío, I’m ace.
  70. I’m a wanted man in the state of Ohio.
  71. I don’t know your name.
  72. I’m lactose intolerant.
  73. Your dad is Robert George.
  74. My dad is Robert George.
  75. I’m in love with Robert George.
  76. I’m more of a health-goth & you’re quite pastel-vintage.
  77. You hath more hair than wit.
  78. Generations of old-money inbreeding have rendered my sexual parts as smooth & useless as suede overalls.
  79. I’m leaving all my money to my cats, but I applaud your efforts nonetheless.
  80. It would be inappropriate for a student and a university president to have sex.
  81. You are not Princeton University President Christopher L. Eisgruber.
  82. You are University spokesman Martin Mbugua.
  83. We write for the same weekly arts & culture newspaper, and getting involved would be highly unprofessional—it certainly has never occurred in the storied history of our great publication.
  84. I can’t see your best friends on Snapchat.
  85. I’m still not over seeing your best friends on snapchat two years ago.
  86. I don’t know my own strength.
  87. You thought a “Jean-Michel Basquiat” makes Belgian waffles.
  88. You use the word “panties” to describe my underwear.
  89. You use the word “panties” to describe your own underwear.
  90. I must be well-rested for brunch.
  91. I have a lady beard.
  92. You have a lady beard.
  93. My dad says I need more practice.     
  94. For you belong to Menelaus; the gods are wrathful.
  95. I haven’t done my kegels this week.
  96. You’re monolingual and 100% okay with it.
  97. You’re tacky and I hate you.
  98. You’re probably Jeff Nunokawa.
  99. I just found Jesus.
  100. I’m in love with you.

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