Lately, people have been asking me a lot where I’ve been for the past few days. Well it’s funny they should ask. Let me tell you, it all started when I remembered, on Thursday, that there were no new OC episodes because of some retarded baseball series on Fox. When I then realized that there would also be no Animation Domination Sunday, no Arrested Development, and no House, M.D., well, I snapped! I got myself onto a plane to Australia to confront the master himself.
What follows is commonly known in cinematic jargon as a “frame” narrative in that it “frames” the ensuing content, making the whole affair eerily plausible (or not, as the case may be) –Ed.
ME: Rupert, are you there?
MURDOCH: Who is it?
ME: It’s me, E. Hastings Rossiter, expert shoe repair! I’ve come to repair your shoes!
MURDOCH: Finally! Come on in.
ME: Hahahahha! I am not here to repair your shoes at all, but rather to bitch about how there are no good shows on Fox this week because of baseball! I mean, COME on! Don’t tell me you like this shit, cause I know you’re from Australia, where they don’t even have baseball!
MURDOCH: You’re right, mate. I don’t like this shit any more than you do, but it does pay the bills.
ME: But you have billions of dollars and control a multinational media conglomerate! Surely there is something you can do so that I can enjoy House, M.D. this week!
MURDOCH: Hugh Laurie is so acerbic, yet endearing, huh.
ME: Yeah, he’s really terrific.
MURDOCH: I think we understand each other. I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I am so moved by your plight that I will grant you ONE TV-related wish for this week.
ME: OMG are you a genie?
MURDOCH: Duh! PS did you know that Bill O’Reilly is a homunculus!
ME: But I thought human alchemy was forbidden!
MURDOCH: Obvy, I have powers beyond mere mortals. Anyway, what’ll it be?
ME: actually, if you could make it so that this whole weekend I feel like I’m watching TV, even when I’m just walking around, I think that would be totally boss.
MURDOCH: It’s done. I’ll also teleport you back to Princeton so you don’t end up on Oceanic Flight 815, cause I hear it’s a real doozy.
I am like SO excited for this weekend! It’s gonna be just like watching all the Arrested Development dvds, and some pirated House, M.D. to boot!
Thursday, October 13
E.E. Jones Lectures
Speaker: Dale T. Miller
Affiliation: Stanford University
Location: Friend 101
Sponsor: Psychology Department
Charge: Free of charge
Audience: Open to the public
Dr. Mabuse: The Legend Continues is sure to be this season’s surprise “dark horse” hit. Featuring David Carradine in the title role (genius!), it follows the ostensible psychoanalyst and Nietzschean ubermensch Mabuse on his adventures in world domination, sexual conquest, and also decorating his totally sweet vacation home in Brazil. Plus, we bought the rights hellz of cheap because in America no one knows how cool Mabuse is. But that’s all about to change. Carradine brings experience and depth to the role of Mabuse, here seen brainwashing an entire room of rapt elderly townspeople who will soon log onto a chatroom and follow the directions of Ivan the Terrible, leading a Denial of Service attack on the New York Times. He’s hopping mad about TimesSelect. I mean, it’s not like he doesn’t have the money to pay for it. He dominates the world, and also it’s only 50 bucks. It’s the principle of the thing, people. And people like Dr. Mabuse, der Spieler, are nothing without their principles. Also, I like don’t want to give anything away or anything, but the highlight of the show is def. when Dr. Mabuse unleashes his army of crack-addicted squirrels on a rival experimental brain surgeon. Brilliant!
OA Frosh Trip ’05 Video – Freshman Parents Weekend
Location: McCosh 10
Sponsor: Outdoor Action Program
Audience: Princeton University students, parents, faculty and staff are welcome to attend.
Additional Information: For information about other Outdoor Action events and activities, visit the OA Tripstore
This is the true story of seven strangers picked to have experimental brain surgery, go on a hike, and have their lives taped. What happens when people stop being polite and start getting real, and realizing the nameless horror of existence? Find out on Lacuna Beach: The College Years. This week’s episode answers the critical question: How do you tell someone’s parents that their child was enrolled in an experimental brain surgery program? Special guest star Jacques Lacan shows us how it’s done! Meanwhile, Kristen and Steven experience horrifying lacunae in which they awaken in a bathtub full of ice.
Go to lacunabeach.com for TV Overdrive! Find out the things you can do to sever your own corpus callosum! Also, share your experiences with lacunae. Also, did you know that a lacuna excuses all sorts of behavior? Here are some things to do:
Prank call Randy Smith! When you get his voicemail, which says “hey, this is randall, leave a message” you should totally say “Come HERE, Randall, and PAY YOUR HALF OF THE UTILITIES!” Later you can claim not to remember cause you were in the grip of the nameless horror of existence.
Drool a lot on people or things you don’t like, like your preceptor. When he asks you what’s going on, tell him that you’re transfixed by the inscrutable yet omnipresent thrum of the Destiny-machine. (note: do NOT do this if your preceptor is Ari Samsky)
Saturday, October 15th:
Rocky Common Room (Holder Hall)
10 PM to 12:45 AM
FREE Food and $1 Raffle for iPOD Nano & other prizes
Obvy, this is gonna suck. My friend Nickd, who only exists on the internet, uses “ROCKTOBER” to describe the awesome month of indie rock releases that we’re currently experiencing. Clearly this is not Rocktober, because something being in Rocky College does not Rocktober make. Watch Die Spinnen: The Animated Series instead. This week Kay Hoog comes face to face with Costleigh Costlington, who plans to take over the world with zoetropes! Displaying acts of onanism! Could Lio Sha be behind this? There’s only one way to find out, and it does not involve going to ROCKTOBERFEST.
SIDEBAR: an IM conversation between George W. Bush and Harriet Miers:
WhenHarrietMetGeorgie: OMG U R T3H BEST GOVERNAR EVAR!!1
WhenHarrietMetGeorgie: seriously..laura is t3h r0x0r!
POTUScoWboy2k4: yeah I guess…ur not too bad urself 😉
WhenHarrietMetGeorgie: omfg ur making me blush 😛
POTUScoWboy2k4: hey u know how u told newsweek that im a “great man” or whatevs?
POTUScoWboy2k4: could u tell me maybe…dont tell the missus ;D
WhenHarrietMetGeorgie: u r so bad! but ok…u kno i cant resist u…
WhenHarrietMetGeorgie: The president is truly a man of greatness, a man for our time who will also endure through the ages…I believe he has a truly cosmic purpose, a purpose ordained by God…
POTUScoWboy2k4: OMG u can’t tell the MSM that!!1 t3h cobra will totally flip out 😉
WhenHarrietMetGeorgie: I luv how u call Maureen dowd that…whatevs we both know ur destined 4 greatness…remember when we talked with jimmy?
POTUScoWboy2k4: do I evar! dobson is da bomb diggity
WhenHarrietMetGeorgie: omg finally the cameras have left my house…wanna shotgun some tequila
POTUScoWboy2k4: I thought u’d never ask 😉
WhenHarrietMetGeorgie: i’ll race u to t3h bar!