Dear Wise Wendy,

I’ve been at Princeton for a little while now, and I just can’t seem to click with anyone romantically. I can’t bear this crippling loneliness any longer. Should I try Speed Dating?

From,

– In a Sophomore Slump

Dear Sophomore,

Don’t be so down! Just because you aren’t strolling across campus hand in hand with your soul mate yet doesn’t mean you won’t ever get to. However, Speed Dating is often times rushed and superficial, and probably not a permanent solution to your social inadequacy. Instead, try dating on speed! By increasing levels of dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine in your brain, speed makes you more confident, more talkative, and more fun to be around. You’ll be sure to impress a lover. Just watch out for the subsequent diarrhea and erectile dysfunction.

– Wise Wendy

Dear Wise Wendy,

Help! What happens at the end of “Pride and Prejudice?”

From,

– Unsure about That Ending

Dear Unsure,

I’m glad you asked that, because people are often confused by it. I’ll take you through it step-by-step, being sure to fill you in on both character and actor at all points, in order to keep you from getting confused. Are you ready? Here we go! So, at the end of Pride and Prejudice (at least, the one with Jennifer Ehle from 1995), the giant bug-alien wearing Edgar D’Onofrio’s skin tries to leave Earth. Normally Tommy Lee Jones would be there to stop that from happening, but he’s gone inside Bobby Fisher’s stomach in order to get their guns and win the final match of chess against Arnold’s grandfather (Arnold from Hey! Arnold). Without Tommy Lee Jones there to make his aggressive moves, Colin Firth has to fend for himself. At first he gets upset and rejects his American daughter, played by Amanda Bynes, because she is not British enough, but then after she does a fashion show and is silly during it, he realizes that family is super important. Upon realizing this, he figures out that by crushing little bugs that have fallen out of a dumpster nearby the spaceship, he is actually killing family members of the giant bug, who gets upset. The bug decides to not leave Earth immediately but instead try to kill Will Smith—both because he is upset by the bug thing, but also because he doesn’t want Will to move to Bel Air and turn his family’s home into a wacky brothel run by Will and Bill Murray, who smokes two cigarettes at once because life is just that bad. Meanwhile across town, after witnessing a failed attempt to meet the aliens when the albino religious freak blew up the first crazy space station, Jodi Foster goes into space and sees her father, who died in her very home when she was just a young girl. And she called the ambulance but he had already died and she was so upset about that that she couldn’t even enjoy sex with Matthew McConaughey, who’s like, “I’m in this movie? How charming is that! I must be very lucky and/or hungry, always!” Then, the alien who is her father tells her that he is actually not her father, just an alien, but she’s still super touched when she sees him. Then Tommy Lee Jones busts out of the alien/daddy’s stomach by shooting his gun from the inside, and the alien goo gets all over Jenna Jameson and Harvey Keitel, and they both chase down Will Smith and torture him until he confesses that he was dead the whole time, and that’s the end of the movie.

– Wise Wendy

Dear Wise Wendy,

I’m pregnant.

From,

– You Are the Father

Dear mother of my unborn child,

Wow. I. Are you sure this was the best way to tell me? Maybe a quick text would have been more suitable? But ok. Um. Coffee? Friday in Frist? We’ll talk about your abortion. I’m willing to go halfsies.

– Wise Wendy