Ever heard of the four horsemen of the apocalypse? Well Brandy Melville in Princeton’s historic Palmer Square has just been visited by something even stranger. A mysterious, pope-like figure appeared to float in the popular teen clothing store. When approached
for comment, he claimed to be a reincarnation of Asahara Shoko of the Aum Shinrikyo doomsday cult. He was quite vulgar, so we cannot in good faith reprint his words. In other news, a young man got a shave and hair-cut. (Do the kids still say two pence?) His bloodcurdling screams could be heard from down the block throughout the appointment. I guess a cosmetology license does not come in the employee handbook.

Princeton, NJ is struck with its first cases of Dengue fever. The employees at Brandy Melville —all 16 years old and 105lbs — stood by in horror as patrons dropped to the floor. “You’re giving thinspo,” one of the salesgirlies exclaimed.