A humanist, shackled by BSE: I don’t have time to read Proust. I’m searching for my own lost time.
Thinks Coke Zero is better: Zero coke people are notoriously very adamant.
J.D. Vance: The Greeks were so advanced because they embraced homosexuality. But then the women ruined everything.
Over-it intern: Everyday I listen to my coworker’s homeopathy TikToks aloud.
Obsessed stalker: Tell her I miss her.
Intermediary: What about her?
Obsessed stalker: Her jokes…her thirst for hot guys…that time she ate frozen pineapple.
Linguist: I can’t tell if he’s gay or South African. If you saw him or talked to him once, you’d get it.
People-pleaser with a streak of narcissism: If people ask me to do something I am often too flattered to say no.
Voice of reason: Just make shortbread. The people will thank you for being brave.
Just declared SPIA: Athens, the land of my people.
Greek: Are you half Greek?
Just declared SPIA: No. I just believe in democracy.
Upper-class professor: What’s your plan for next year?
Upper-class senior: Probably some unserious grad program.
Upper-class professor: Well, there are plenty of those. Just make sure it’s paid. Paid grad programs are welfare for the upper class.
Millennial dudebro professor: I had a friend in high school, we called her 'Sniggles,' because she laughed with her lips closed… like… teee heeee… heee hee heee…
Robert George: The way he came up to me in a fuck ass bob and straight up asked me what kind of gay I was…it was the highlight of my night.
Aroused, yet learned academic: He’s some sort of existential masturbator.
Editor of the Nassau Weekly: My family hires Amish people because they're cheap.
11th-year grad student: The only reason we’re not insane right now is truly just a lack of imagination.
Professor recounting his weekend: I gave a little speech comparing marriage to the Soviet Gulag.
Social scientist who desperately wants to be more quantitative: I had to teach my magician friend Bayes’ Theorem to get him to learn that one.
Sweaty girl: I was running for five minutes and it felt like an hour…I really need to increase my durability.
Bored by Putin: If you’re going to have a cult of personality, at least start with a personality.
Pedagogue, cracking slowly but surely: The first question is how do we read this? Is she literally laughing to herself? Presumably, she doesn’t say HA, HA. Perhaps, this giggle is the start of madness. A clue that she’s literally losing her mind here.
An American, likely: Jenny got back to me on the communist presbyterians.
Hypercritical reader: You should go to confession. You should beg God for forgiveness if you write a poem this bad. This has probably taken away 15 minutes of life that I will, like, never get back.